Torn To Ribbons

5.2 - “The One Where I Watch The One With All the Kissing”

27/10/2019

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The hunt continues for Monica Number 2’s new job.

I suggested they’d be good doing something with their hands. Before remembering a psychic once told my wife I would work with my hands, and that it’s a huge cop-out as all jobs involve using your hands.

We floated a few other ideas, joining Ross in insurance, Chandler in the civil service. Joey in whatever the hell they do. (Something with computers… Transpondster?)

You should play to your strengths… you like cats? How about something really leftfield... Battersea cats home?

“Oh, they’re not hiring”

“You… you’ve already checked?”

“Of course, it was the first place I looked.”

“OK then…”

What’s the best job for someone who loves pointless facts, and being right all the time…

Stay at home dad!

I don’t think they’re quite ready for that. And also they’d lose some serious Monica points.

They seem pretty content just taking a break for a while. Hopefully they’ll see the light and start a new life as a head chef any day now.

“The One With the Over-Enthusiastic Bridesmaid”

Except for the job thing, Monica Number 2 is pretty divorced from Monica at the moment.

Real Monica’s finally sorted her career out, and is in the throes of passion. Not to suggest my Monica’s relationship is missing any passion, but, ya know, they are a few years in. Plus Monica’s fling is with Chandler, so I’m sure Monica Number 2 isn’t that disappointed to not be matching her.

With our Chandler in Egypt I would be quite the commute for a sexy bubble bath.

I’m surprised Chonica are going straight into the heavy romance with their bubble bath. But it makes for a great scene.
It’s cute how into each other they are already. My wife and I agreed getting them together is the best decision the show makes, breathing new life into it as it’s at risk of getting stale, and also offering the most realistic portrayal of what being in a relationship is actually like. Though for now it’s secret (if very poorly hidden).

I’m not convinced the others wouldn’t guess something’s up when Chandler starts kissing everyone to cover a slip up. He’d certainly get more flack from Phoebe and Rachel nowadays, I’d hope. You certainly can’t pass off such behaviour as being “European” anymore.

Anyone who’s had mates go on holiday without them will be familiar with Phoebe’s feelings at the moment. FOMO dialled up to 11 now the guys are back from England. They try and make her feel better with a spur of moment holiday to Atlantic City. I think of all the quirky sitcom things that have happened in the last 4 years, the most unrealistic is six friends dropping everything and planning a spur of the moment holiday.

And now the question on everyone’s lips… Is Rachel still in Athens?

Well, she was… As I expected this gets cleared up pretty quick. It’s a little annoying. They play with our expectations with her pretending not to be angry at Ross for stranding her. But then, by the end of the episode, it’s all done and dusted anyway, as she finally comes clean about her love.

Great timing Rachel, I know he’s a prick but hasn’t Ross got enough on his plate?

Rachel needs to wake up and smell the coffee. He’s married. Even if he hasn’t even spoken to Emily since the wedding. As they (almost) lay everything on the table in Central Perk, Rachel starts laughing. Ross agrees: it is funny. (Fortunately for us, seeing as it’s a sitcom).

Earlier in the episode, Rachel gets Monica to make her decisions for her. Someone else making all your decisions for you… isn’t Ross the one who just got married? (Badumsh…)

But as Monica tries to help Rachel get over Ross, we’re all there wanting her to JUST TELL HIM HOW SHE FEELS. If only she could ask the audience instead of phoning a friend.

And then she finally does tell him and, just like real life, it never goes the way you expect. It’s moments like this where David Schwimmer excels. We can all see what Ross wants to say to Rachel, even if she can’t and keeps interrupting “Yes, I know, you’re married.” So it is funny. But in a tragic way.

Maybe they both need to wake up and smell the coffee?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

So it’s been yet another wedding this weekend. I think our third this year? It’s like the movie executive of our life has realised he’s onto a good thing. THREE RELEASES A YEAR! Same formula every-time. For now and forever. Maybe Scorsese does have a point?

This time it was the turn of an old school friend of ours. It didn’t quite turn into the school reunion I’d hoped for, with only a few left from the old days. I wonder what they’re all doing now… doing now… doing now…

But it was still fun and a good excuse to get drunk with my wife doing the driving for once. To be fair, I was supposed to be driving the way there but somehow all the trains home we’re cancelled. Honestly, who has a wedding on a Friday?

This lead to an exercise of military precision, with me triangulating the exact position where I could use public transport to get to my wife’s route to the venue at the exact point she would be there. And culminated in me suiting up in a car park, perfectly tieing my tie without a mirror as we walked into the venue. LIKE JAMES FREAKING BOND.

 Was she impressed? Not in the slightest.

This real life sitcom was rounded out with an excellent guest turn from a lady who I can only assume was Bridesmaid Number 4. After a rather forceful attempt to get us to sign the guest book early in the night we surmised she had been given this one responsibility. And god dammit, she was going to do it.

What followed was increasingly desperate attempts to harangue guests into signing the guestbook. Because, darn it, this is her one job, and she was going to smash the shit out of it. It all culminated in her taking the mic from the band to make an announcement, when I suspect almost everyone had already signed the book and just wanted to get on with dancing.

It must be hard wanting to do a job SO much you end up doing it badly. Oh shit, did I just accidentally empathise with Boris Johnson?
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5.1 - “The One Where I Watch The One After Ross Says Rachel”

13/10/2019

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Ross, you moron.

Yet, as he says the wrong name at the altar, I feel like we’ve been here before.

Is it because it’s the fifth time I’ve started a season? We’re four years now into my quest to watch all of Friends™ as we age together.

Is it cause I’m married myself? Or even, it being Ross’s second attempt? This sense of Déjà vu.

Nah. It’s probably cause this isn’t the first wedding I’ve seen where the wrong name was said.

 “The One Where Seriously, Friends™ is Just Copying Me Now”

Ross isn’t the only one shooting around false names. Phoebe cunningly tries to dig him out his hole by telling Eddie from Ab Fab™ Ross has a rare condition where he gets names mistaken. Perhaps a more convincing pseudonym than ‘Doctor Phalange’ might have helped?

Ask any Zooarchaeologist and they’ll tell you, it’s a bit weird to essentially call yourself “Doctor Toe-bone”.

Funnily enough Doctor Phalange doesn’t save the day and Emily makes a swift getaway from the wedding.

I guess you might say she got…
 
….
 
COLD FEET™
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It’s weird that, even though Ross is the one going through a real trauma (albeit, self-inflicted), the show focuses more on Rachel’s experience. You really feel for her when she hears him trying to convince Eddie and Nina Conti’s dad that Emily really is the only woman for him.

I guess it’s hard to get laughs from someone whose life’s just been ruined?

Although I’m familiar with the experience of your parents looking less than happy at your wedding this wedding couldn’t be further from my own. Least of all as there’s no way we could have afforded getting married in London.

I do like to think, if I were in Ross’s position, I’d totally go on the honeymoon by myself. Wouldn’t let  that go to waste! Even if it meant swanning around Vietnam with a bunch of pensioners. Hey, you never know, I may have had a lucky rebound with one of them!

Rachel’s wrong, however, Ross should CLEARLY not go by himself on the honeymoon. Man’s a mess. As he proves by immediately asking her to go with him… The big idiot.

Fair play to him for choosing Emily when she catches them, but I suspect it won’t do much good… Plus he’s, presumably, now got to deal with the fact he’s just stranded Rachel alone in Athens? Not very wise. (A little joke for fans of Ancient Greece there...)

Athens is an interesting choice for a honeymoon. I suppose it makes sense for a history buff like Ross. I don’t really think of it as a romantic destination? But the show is setting the bar quite low for a “foreign romantic city” with even London getting a pass, as Chandler and Monica excuse their fling. Do Americans really think London is romantic??
Watching them try and secretly bang is my new favourite thing. It’s a great way for the show to express the excitement of when you first get with someone without being explicit. And the constant cock-blocking and interplay between them is hilarious. Certainly more than I imagine “My Giant” is. Which, surprisingly, is a real film!

Gona confess here, with no shame (ok, maybe a little…) I felt genuinely teary when Chandler and Monica get back to New York and it seems like it’s all over. Is there no greater romance than a holiday fling?
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To think of all that hot granny love I missed out on…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We’ve been catching up a lot recently. First Ross Number 2’s birthday lunch, and then we went out to see a play by Rachel Number 1’s elderly father (speaking of large numbers of grannies…)

They were both nice and relaxing occasions, but I found out Monica Number 2 has been doing a much better job of being Monica than I thought. No secret mate bonking (that I’m aware of), but they’re currently in-between jobs with little idea of what they want to do next. What is this? Season two?!?

But really it’s just another example of what a poor Real Live Friend I am. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own stuff I had no idea Monica’s been unemployed for three whole months! Maybe I should try and find her a job?
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    One mans quest to watch all of the classic 90s sit-com Friends™ in real time over ten years.

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