Glory be! We’re allowed to have six people over! The number six clearly chosen as it’s the number of Friends™.

It’s the perfect number for a little gathering really, keeps things moving without anyone having to take the lead too much. And gave us a good excuse to see some people again without it overwhelming my heavily pregnant wife. Or setting me off into a spiral of agoraphobia and social anxiety.

So Ross, Rachel, David the Science Guy, and Mrs David the Science Guy came round for a much needed chat.

Pictured: Mrs David the Science Guy

After all the Zooming, it was great to see they still have bodies as well as faces! And we were able to fully enjoy the British summer. Sitting two meters apart in my garden under golfing umbrellas, discussing whether an umbrella acting as a lightning rod would be more or less deadly than Covid-19.

 “The One Where I Try to Help”

Fittingly, the bulk of this episode is the Friends™ sitting in an apartment watching TV.

Joey’s landed a part on Law and Order™, which, as Phoebe points out, should actually be “Order and Law”. #RachelAndRossNotRossAndRachel

Joey’s grandma seems to have survived the wave of Covid that’s swept the Earth, so she’s round to watch the episode too. Don’t worry; I’m making her sit outside under one of the umbrellas. Not cause of Covid, I just don’t want to talk to anyone I don’t know.

Is this the first time a grandparent’s been in the show? That’s alive anyway. I remember Monica and Ross’s grandma. The first time the show suggested it could do more than just comedy.

Phoebe’s grandma has featured before too. I’d completely forgotten about that!

I even missed her funeral!! It was only two months ago, when I was a little caught up in my own problems… I am a bad Friend™

Deciding to have a kid has already impacted our ability to see friends and family. Yep, that’s the only reason we’re feeling isolated... And here we are at nine months, as Chandler and Monica celebrate their ten month anniversary! Bit of an odd anniversary to celebrate, but OK. Has it really been that long? Good on you guys, I hope you’ve been enjoying all those private moments between the panels.

They seem pretty secure. Monica doesn’t give a fig that Chandler’s flirting with a pizza delivery woman.

Is he really flirting? I said not, but my wife says yes. Given I’ve barely seen anyone for three months I’d probably consider eye contact flirting at this point. God I’ve missed talking to other people.

But, in a way, if I’ve managed to miss people like Ross it’s worth it. God he’s the worst. That poor pizza lady’s just trying to do her job without being creeped on!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With all that’s going on I decided to try and do something to help!

A month back I saw they’re doing a trial to see if blood plasma from people with Covid antibodies can help those afflicted. “Hey, I’ve got those!” I thought. I’ve got antibodies, uncle-bodies, you name it. Step right up!

I was ready to help out, and most importantly finally had an excuse to go somewhere other than my house! Unfortunately that place was Luton.

But I got there, they were very nice and ran me through all the questions they needed to ask, the risks to me, and how much I was a God damn hero that was gonna save us all. Ok, Ok. I might have imagined the last part.

They hooked me up to the machine, and we laughed and joked as I gradually had a small amount of blood removed, separated into its constituent parts, and some of them returned to me. “This is super cool” I thought.

I was wrong.

Halfway through the procedure I settled down to play some Love Island: The Game™. The second my thumb touched the phone I felt a little faint. Was this just Levi making me swoon after all that grafting? No. No, it was not. The nurses swung into action, reclining my chair, getting me some water, all that great caring stuff we’re clapping for every week. But I didn’t seem to be feeling much better.

After a while the decision was taken to stop the procedure. I was still conscious but shivering with a heavy feeling in my chest, and a little metallic taste in my mouth. This suggested a bad reaction to the anti-coagulant, a common response with no cause for concern, but it meant I’d be sitting in the chair for a few hours more than I expected.

“Oh God” I thought “what if my wife goes into labour?!” and I’m here, unable to drive. And worst of all, in Luton.

Things hadn’t been helped by me eating only a pack of ccrisps for lunch… Of all the days to return to my pre-lockdown eating habits. OBVIOUSLY having blood taken without a big lunch would cause a problem. IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.

I’m not going to lie, spending three hours uncontrollably shivering and shaking was pretty scary. If not as scary as thinking what my wife would say if she DID go into labour.

But it’s not often your body let’s you down like that. Ever since getting Corona I’ve been acting like I’m invincible, and this was a pretty horrible reminder that I’m not. Timed perfectly to match my 31st birthday.

That’s the last time I ever try to do something nice.

“Tapegate” was over pretty quick in the end.

Please excuse the “gate” suffix overuse. Given our drive was blocked it’s more appropriate than usual…

But yes, the neighbours took the tape down without the need for any awkward convos. Maybe it was an ill thought out expression of solidarity with the police? Clapping for carers is one thing. But kettling our yard for #AllLiveMatter would be a whole different, errr kettle of fish.

Speaking of fish, we now have a new neighbour related problem. Like a hydra rearing a second head after you removed the first. Well after the first fell off of its own accord because you were scared to talk to the hydra in case it had guns.

This isn’t to compare sitting at home watching Netflix™ to the trials of Hercules. More like the “Disney+ free trial of Hercules?” Am I right?

What was I saying? Sorry my heads getting increasingly scattergun. For all the talk of lockdown joy, I think the brain farts I had under control pre-lockdown are back. Dodgy memory, lack of concentration, being easily distracted. It’s not so much brain farts as brain I.B.S.

It’s almost as if they were linked to spending hour after hour with a screen… Whilst we wait for the baby, pretty much all of my decisions for the last two months can be summed up as:

So yes friends, I AM excited the babies nearly here. If only to break the monotony.

“The One With all the Fish”

There is finally a glimmer of hope, the lockdown has eased slightly. So we’ve been able to see family!

We went for a “socially distanced” BBQ at my parents. Or “socially distended” as my phone keeps insisting. “Socially distended” is apt actually. Despite not seeing dad for months he decided he’d had enough within an hour and disappeared back to his TV room! It’s good some things haven’t changed.

It was amazing seeing everyone again. Particularly my nephew who’s already walking! And fair play to him for only seeing me as often as Ben shows up. It was nice to reconnect. After a little coaxing, I even got him to race me in the garden! Setting us up for a lifetime of competition that I cannot possibly win.

Hopefully he ends up as cool as the actor who played Ben, who this week was one of many #BlackLivesMatter protestors arrested for peacefully protesting in the U.S.

I’m not entirely sure how we got to the point where PEACEFUL protestors are getting arrested. But I don’t think a silly blog about Friends™ is the best medium to address this latest twist in “2020: The End Times”.

Also, just to give my wife some more worries, WOW Ben grew up hot.

Ross fawning over his cuteness now seems less the action of an irritating parent and more a vision of the future.

One thing that is emphatically not cute is Chandlers tie. AGAIN.

Jesus, Chandler… can’t you get Rachel to take you on a shopping trip?! It’s not like YOU’RE locked down.

Ok, Rachel is a little busy. Trying to work her way in with her new boss by taking up smoking. I swore I recognised this boss like the one she interviewed with… but again it’s me remembering them from Friends™. I wonder if this Déjà vu will get worse as we get nearer to the end of the series?

What’s really weird though is just this week Ross Number 2 said he’d had a cheeky cigarette at a socially distanced meeting with his boss! Ross Number 2, Chandler Number 1, and now gunning to be Rachel Number 3 too. How greedy!

Stealing the spotlight is a pretty Rachel thing it turns out. She’s got a surprise birthday party, and it’s my birthday too!

They’re throwing her a party that’s such a big surprise it’s a month early. I quite like the idea of that. Giving someone a birthday party at a random time of the year, like they’re the Queen or something. But Rachel’s stolen the spotlight from Chandler too, as his birthday is sooner. I love that he just wouldn’t mention that while they’re planning the party. Chandler you’re a better man than I.

What did I do for my birthday you ask? My last birthday of freedom before parenthood? My last ever opportunity to have it large without having to take my child’s needs into consideration?

Absolutely fuck all.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

FISH!

Yes. That was it.

The last few mornings we’ve come downstairs to mysteriously shredded cat treat pouches on our carpet.

Was he getting them out a bin somewhere? Surely no one was giving a full pack of cat treats to him every night?!

So I stayed up late one night, and sure enough, in he came through the cat flap with a FULL pack of treats, already opened at the top. I confiscated his haul and went to bed, determined to find out who’s feeding my cat! Only to come down in the morning to yet another destroyed pouch!

I think someone might be leaving a window open in the heat… and, oh my god, I’ve raised a Cat Burglar!

Lockdown restrictions are loosening. We may soon be able to have contact with people beyond waving from our balcony!

Not that it’s stopping the Friends™ as Ross’s new apartment gives ample opportunity for waving from across the street. Amongst other things.

“The One With the Guns”

It’s also an opportunity for Joey to commence his search for love! Starting with a “hot girl” spotted in Ross’s building. I can just imagine thousands of similar love stories across the UK right now, as neighbours finally give in to the sexual tension building between them every time they bash their pots and spread the clap for the NHS.

...

Sexual tension is a bit of a theme this week.

Rachel has a series of accidental mishaps with her new boss, and Monica is frustrated Phoebe is in the early “can’t keep your hands off each other” stage, which she’s now left. Fortunately there’s no risk of any sexual tension for us at the moment as we’re fully absorbed in the late stages of pregnancy. Along with never leaving the house, at this point I’m one homebrew away from becoming a monk.

It’s nice seeing Chandler and Monica’s relationship progressing, but it’s not surprising the sex is slowing down given the ties he wears.

Another thing I noticed in the background is the writing under the wanted poster for Joey.

It’s actually a plea by Joey to find “Hot Girl”! That’s a nice touch.

There’s no way I’d hire Rachel after the way her interviews go… Despite the awkwardness maybe her new boss DOES think he has a chance with her? I swear I recognise this guy…

He must have been in something else?

Nope, turns out it’s just Friends™ I’ve seen him in. Or maybe I’ve met him somewhere? Back in the days when you could meet people. Oh god, maybe I had a job interview with him?! I did once kiss a potential employer… I’m pretty sure I own that blouse and pantsuit. OK. I think I need to stop now.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’m not the only one losing my mind a bit. Our neighbour’s become increasing protective of their driveway. First leaving a note on their bin saying "stay off the grass or you will be shot”.

OK, perhaps a little aggressive, but I think a humorous way to get their point across. And the bit where people cut through is very close to their window...

But later that evening they took things a step further. I looked out my window to see they’d put hazard tape across all our parking spots to stop people cutting through on the way to the shops!

Not really on, what if we need to drive urgently somewhere? Like I don’t know, the maternity ward?!

I’ll have to talk to them. Right after I’ve made sure they don’t actually have any guns.

Even in lockdown, our preparations for parenthood continue. “Life will, err, find a way.”

We’ve been doing NCT classes on Zoom™!

Ostensibly, this is to help us through the late stages of pregnancy and the early stages of parenthood, but, like a lot of people, we also thought it was a good idea to make some new mates closer to home. Plus they’re also about to have babies so we can hang out (once this is all over…) without being embarrassed by our screaming infant and getting our tits out. It’s like the married equivalent of getting Tindr™.

In the current situation this was a good call, as all our Real Live Friends are now both socially distant AND physically distant. Is it right to describe this as a “Situation”? I don’t know. We’re in week eight (I think) words are losing all meaning.

When I spoke to a Real Live Friend about this, they perceptively described it as the 3rd and final major opportunity to massively increase your social circle. After school and uni/jobs.

Perhaps I shouldn’t put too much stock in this observation, as this is the mate who, when I asked them what they’d want for their stag do, replied with going to a beach and digging a massive hole.

Maybe it’s no longer comparable, given the ease with which our generation can stay in touch, but there’s definitely some truth to what they said. The vast majority of my mother’s friends to this day are people she met on her class. So we’ve been taking it seriously. So seriously, it’s become a bit like playing a couples version of Love Island™.

NO, I’M NOT OBSESSED.

“The One Where Our House is Not Child Safe”

This is a bit of a nothing episode really, entertaining but without any huge developments. Maybe that’s what we need after the all the real life drama!

The most extreme thing is probably Phoebe pretending to be a cop after finding a lost badge. I’d hate to imagine her now, running in to parks to stop people sunbathing, snitching on people being visited by their mum, standing outside the supermarket measuring people’s distance.

The rest is split between Ross buying a sofa (anyone who’s even heard of Friends™ will know the word that comes to mind there…) and Joey realising he’s craving intimacy after dreaming he’s taken Chandler’s place in the relationship with Monica.

Hrrm, wonder which of those two I relate to more? Struggling to move furniture or dreaming about fancying your friends? Gosh, it’s amazing how much has changed in the last decade. Nowadays I hardly ever move furniture.

Of all the Friends™ memes, “PIVOT” is the one that’s entered everyday lexicon the most. Amongst my friends and family you can’t move ANYTHING without someone saying it. But I forgot how stupidly David Schwimmer actually says it. Seriously, watch it again, it’s quite the delivery! And now it’s stuck in our collective memory, like a sofa in a stairwell. Pretty impressive for one word said just seven times!!

I feel for Joey struggling to find love, but at least he can go out and look for it! Hitting on Rachel as his first port of call seems like a wasted opportunity.

Don’t worry Joey, I’m sure you’ll find someone. Just not Rachel. God, that would be stupid.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Part of our NCT’ing involves “child-proofing” the house.

This doesn’t mean, as I was hoping, finding ways to stop children getting in. “Quick, board up the catflap!” But rather, going round the house to identify, be aware of, and hopefully fix any way an idiotic child could harm themselves.

It seems we’ve got a long way to go in this respect. Idly cleaning my teeth on day gabillion of lockdown, I noticed a bottle of mouthwash on the side and thought I’d treat myself.

Failing to notice it wasn’t your regular bottle, but rather an old bottle of antiseptic mouthwash for the treatment of gum disease.

I have no idea how this even got in our house, but it seems Coronavirus isn’t the only thing that leaves people with no sense of taste.

Thankfully my wife is doing better, excluding the expected pregnancy pangs, and we’ve settled into life under lockdown.

I’m a little ashamed to say I am happier than I’ve ever been.

As our entire industry has been closed I’ve been furloughed by work. This unexpected boon, of a two month temporary retirement before my life of parenthood, has, at a stroke, removed all the things that irritate me from my life.  No commuting. No staring at a computer for eight hours (excluding video games). No thinking about the WENUS. Despite being, very literally trapped, these irritations have been replaced with a great sense of freedom. Freedom to not feel bad about putting off all the stupid little tasks, chores, and hobbies that have built up over the last decade.

I found a film on my laptop the other day which I’ve meant to watch since my last year of university!

I still haven’t watched it. But it’s nice to know I have the time.

I'm managing to tick some things off the list! Our babies room is finished (complete with curtain rail I drilled into the wall MYSELF), and we’re on top of washing for the first time since moving. I’m even reading a chapter of a book a day, occasionally lifting weights (and certainly eating enough for it to hopefully have an effect…) and, look at this, now I’m even back on track with Real Live Friends!

 “The One Where I Fiddle Whilst Rome Burns”

We may be gripped in the middle of baby fever, mercifully no longer an actual fever, but Monica really ISN’T. Despite Chandler’s assumptions.

He’s getting a bit scared of commitment now their relationship is all out in the open. Hey, Chandler, you may be committed but at least you still have other people you can talk to every now and then!

The secret being out gives us another glimpse of Red Ross after he catches them at it. Oh Ross, I feel the pain of someone you thought was a mate getting with your sister.

Incidentally, it’s a nice touch that Courteney Cox went to the effect of buttoning her shirt up incorrectly.

I think we’ve all done that. In the days when a shirt was something you’d bother to wear.

One of the two B-stories this week is a little hard to swallow, even this starved of entertainment. Joey’s got a new partner, who’s a little rough with her hands. And not in a good way.

It’s not so much this mildly abusive behaviour (if abusive behaviour can be mild…) being presented in a comic light I have a problem with, anything’s game for comedy if it’s done right.

It’s more how much of the humour arises from the other characters mocking Joey’s reaction to the situation. Maybe funny originally, but now it doesn’t really paint the characters in a good light. Their reaction is far removed from the usual high standard of friendship they exemplify.

Phoebe, too, isn’t being the best Friend this week, going to a party behind Ross’s back after he accidentally alienates the entire floor of his new flat.

Poor Ross, not making any new friends and sitting in his flat by himself. I wonder what that’s like?!

Even if some aspects of lockdown are hard, it’s brought some unexpected positives.

During my wife’s illness my dad began ringing every day to check in. I have no idea if this was off his own back, or at the behest of my mum, but once I got used to the strangeness it was quite nice. Really he’s a pretty great father, it’s a little cheesy but I know “he’ll be there for me” whenever I need him.

Even if our conversations were a little stilted, it’s a strange blessing that we spoke more in that week than we usually would in several months.

Another fun thing we’ve done is a live Friends™ Quiz on YouTube™.

Disappointingly, we didn’t do as well as I expected. But I think that’s understandable given I haven’t watched the second half the show since it first aired! And a lot of the early episodes are now several years in my past.

My wife consoled herself with another entry in her “Isolation Diary”.

 “Day 14:

My husband’s become completely obsessed with playing ‘Love Island: the Game’. Now imagine being quarantined in your house due to a global pandemic, which you currently have, and your husband is in the next room muttering about which boy to couple up with, and which girl is a complete bitch. I’m half expecting someone to jump out and say April Fools! But this really is life now. I thought it was just the virus & the baby I had to worry about, turns out my husband’s sexuality is also something of a concern.”

Don’t worry wife. It’s just a game. I’d never get fiction and reality mixed up!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We had a little chat with one of our neighbours on our walk the other day (at a distance). It can be summed up by the following.

Getting Coronavirus: concerning

Watching your pregnant wife go through it: deeply distressing

Having a lengthy discussion with your neighbour about the virus spreading on cats, where you find out he’s been secretly feeding your cat, and then telling him you’ve both had it:

Priceless.

That’ll teach the fucker.

I’m alive.

Within a few days it was clear my symptoms weren’t going to get worse and I started feeling better.

On the pain scale it was somewhere between a cold and a kidney stone..

Now, in the absence of any tests, we’re left unsure if I even had it. I think so, but can’t feel any relief at being one of the lucky ones as we see the stories sweep across the media. “A thousand UK dead in one day.” And the smaller stories on social media that hit harder, “my father died last night…”

It’s affecting us all on the macro and microscopic level.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself while isolating. I’m still taking a minimum three days to reply to messages. This whole time I thought I was super busy; turns out I’m just an asshole.

In fact, like Monica and Chandler, I’ve mostly been flexing my biceps and doing laundry.

OK, maybe not doing laundry the way THEY do it.

“The One Where She Comes Back Too Soon”

It’s been a pretty tumultuous month.

Shortly after my wife lost her job, it looked like I too may be joining her in “Ross-ing” up my life. But things seem secure, for now. The Government’s done a pretty good job of supporting people through the crisis, whilst ignoring those who need help most. Businesses are given help first, whilst pregnant self-employed people are hung out to dry.

It’s nice that some things are business as usual. At least they’re giving us a sense of continuity, if not a properly funded health service.

And now, just to really drive home the message that no-one is safe; our glorious leader has got the virus too. Honestly, he’s already stolen our thunder once by having a baby at the same time as us and now this! Selfish.

Given we’re all in isolation now, and all the sitting around in your pants that brings, it’s appropriate that Ugly Naked Guy is finally back. Providing Ross with a much needed chance to move house.

“Maybe we could do that thing with the cans on string!” enthuses Joey.

Honey, we’re all doing that now, Zooming™ and Houseparty™-ing to stay sane. And what a joy it is, talking to your friends whilst being Ugly Naked Guy from the waist down. I’m getting used to it, even learning how to look directly into the webcam rather than at my own image. Really, this is like having to learn to look people in the eye all over again!

With the “They Don’t Know That We Know That They Knows”, the game of Phoebe and Chandler pretending to be into each other, and Chandler’s declaration of love for Monica, this may be my favourite episode.

It’s a shame it’s coincided with one of the worst weeks of my life.

After a couple of days of my illness, my wife continued her Ross streak by moving too. Despite my insistence she stay at her mums until I was better, she decided to come home. After all I “didn’t sound too ill on the phone”. She thought I wanted her to stay away so I could enjoy playing videogames by myself!

Well, yes I was enjoying that, but I wouldn’t ban my pregnant wife from her house just for a few days of me time. I was trying to protect her and the baby.

Within a few days, I was proved right in the worst possible way. She had all the symptoms. My seven months pregnant wife. And pregnant women have just been moved to the high risk category. Et tu Boris?

And it turns out; dealing with a respiratory virus is a lot harder when all your abdominal organs have been pushed into your rib cage.

I think it was fifteen days in total. Fifteen days of staying up late just to be sure, being woken in the night by coughing fits. Two late night calls to 111. There wasn’t anything they could do. One night things seemed so bad we rang 999, they did a great job of assessing and calmly telling me they wouldn’t be able to send anyone. Essentially the message was “we can only help if they’re turning blue”. So excuse me if I didn’t have any sympathy when it was reported the PM still had symptoms after five days and was being taken in for some tests as a precaution.

Why should he get better treatment than my wife and unborn child? I thought we were “all in this together”?

By the second week I was lying awake listening to her shallow breathing. Is she getting worse or are we just panicking? Surely her cough should have stopped by now?

It really made me realise how unprepared I am for six months of listening to a newborns freaky night breathing.

Despite getting it much worse than me, she got through it, and is now on the mend. I know we’re lucky, and other people will have things much harder. Even Boris, taking a turn for the worse and spending a few nights in the ICU. I know there will be millions of people, experiencing similar things, or much, much worse.

But that didn’t make it any easier at the time.

OH MY GOD.

UGLY NAKED GUY IS ON THE SCREEN.

ON. THE. SCREEN.

I’ve been waiting 5 years for this!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

As we’re housebound my wife has been looking for ways to occupy her time whilst I watch Friends™ and construct giant poking devices.

She hit upon the VERY ORIGINAL idea of writing a diary.

Her daily readings turned out to be a very effective way of her criticising (or sometimes praising!) my behaviour in a way that felt less like I was being attacked. Here’s an extract:
“My nephew rang me and asked if I had corona virus then started laughing. He then went on to tell me that he & his dad made a mud / worm house and put 24 worms inside. But dad forgot to put air holes in and they all died. I found this funnier than a vegetarian should. I can relate to those poor worms, struggling to breath. My sister is making nephew write a diary, he didn’t go into as much details as I did & simply wrote “today Dad killed 24 worms”.

One day my nephew’s kids will read that back & think their Granddad went on some random worm massacre.”

Needs more Friends™ if you ask me.

Well, I needn’t have worried about missing Dr Phalange’s wedding because of the birth, as now nobody can make it.

The Netflix™ generation has reached our final evolution, and must now stay indoors for the foreseeable future.

And I am cursed to chronicle this global pandemic, as it reaches Britain’s shores, through the lens of Friends™. Like Samuel Pepys if he liked Christopher Marlowe a bit too much.

 “The One With the Lockdown”

We’ve known it was coming for weeks, and yet we’ve stood (along with the government) doing very little. It’s hard to blame the government; successive waves of new viruses have failed to reach their potential. Threatening us from afar and fizzling out before anything comes of it. Like the prospect of a Friends™ reunion.

I too, thought it would never make its way over here in any substantial fashion. Even when it reached Europe it seemed it would remain a continental concern. Like clogs, French poetry, and the idea of establishing a broader union based on mutual respect and free trade.

I only started to get worried when Dr Phalange herself took me to task for a flippant Facebook™ status. Maybe this WAS gona be a big deal?

But we “kept calm and carried on”. I was told to work from home; it suited me fine. I’d save a bomb on travel, and had to help out with my wife’s company’s kids’ show this week. The show must go on.

And so, after a weekend setting up in the theatre, the kids arrived for their first dress rehearsal, and within ten minutes it was all over. They’d “got the science wrong” and needed to close everything immediately. The kids were sent home, my pregnant wife was devastated, losing her job, and all she’d worked at for ten months in one go. And she had to let down a room full of children at peak excitement.

The children took it surprisingly well, I marvelled at their resilience, laughing and joking in the face of the tears.

But all the while I was struggling; going up and down ladders had seemed a bit harder than usual. Was the theatre colder than normal? Why are these lights so hot?

By the time we got to the car, I knew I had to take action, after hours of denial I had to listen to the voices in my head; like Boris Johnson finally realising the British people were NOT sick of experts, but actually sick of something else.

I had to let my wife down, in her biggest hour of need, seven months pregnant, having the worst day of her life, losing her job AND becoming Ross Number 3.

And now I had to tell her: “I think you should stay at your mum’s for a few days, I can’t be with you right now, the risk to you and the baby is too great, I can’t go to my parents, they’re too old. The guidance is clear. Fever = Isolation.”

So, here we are. Just me, myself and I.

We’re all trapped with ourselves now. In my case, fatigued to shit, sweating in my sleep, aching all over.

OOOO, Joey’s got a manbag! Ha Ha Ha. Eh, it’s just a bag.

“We’re just not sure the world is ready for your bag…”

Well, hey 20 years later it’s all dandy! Usually I’d take comfort in that…

I want to be with my wife, not here watching Friends™. But I can’t live with her, even as I feel I can’t live without her. Hey… someone should write a song about that.

And now Phoebe’s reuniting with her long lost father, and, and this is all a bit much.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

…

Glory be! The fence is fixed. Now, finally, things are looking up, barring any major new crises raising their heads, like No Deal Brexit being put back on the table, or some major global pandemic.

What are the chances of THAT happening?!

“The One Before the Storm”

I admit proposing I fix the fence myself was not quite the cliffhanger Friends™ left us on, with Rach finding out about Mondler. Monica isn’t quite ready to admit it to her, and Rachel is not best pleased.

It seems an age since I’ve had such a juicy secret. I don’t know when I’d get to hear one, Even as we shift from gatherings to smaller dinner parties it’s been a while since I’ve had a decent one-on-one. Most of my attempts to persuade mates to come over for a couple of beers whilst we fix the fence ended in polite refusal.

So I did the real manly thing, and paid someone else to do it.

I tell a lie, I did have a very enjoyable one-on-one with my best Real Live Friend recently.

I realised my ennui over not using my body, and long held desire to do some physical activity had a pretty plain solution. It’s been staring me in the face all along, as I live in one of the few towns in the UK with a facility to do one of the few physical activities I can do, One you can even do by yourself!

I am, of course, talking about my friends sex dungeon.

Not really, although he did tell me he’s fitted out his garage as his own personal Gym. Sure, if THAT’s what you want to call it.

I’m actually talking about our local indoor Ski Centre. Fuck me, it’s expensive though. While there we discovered they have a more reasonable month pass, which I thought would be a great way to get some weekly me time after the baby comes! So I tentatively suggested my wife get me a pass for my upcoming birthday.

“Yerh, you’re not gona have time to do that.”

Oh well, maybe this year I’ll find someone to play Tennis™ with?

Chandler and Monica aren’t struggling to find Tennis™ partners, and are playing a doubles game against his, rather irritating, boss. Monica’s pretty pissed at having to throw the game to stay in his good graces. I’ve noticed this trope in a couple of US shows/films recently. The idea’s completely alien to me. But to be fair I’ve never found anything I’m better at than my bosses.

Elsewhere, Ross’s life is going from bad to worse, Emily is getting married! Already!! You’d think she’d learn from her mistakes… I can comfortably say I’ll never get married again, although my wife hasn’t fallen for a lesbian yet.

It’s a decent excuse for another guest spot from everyone’s favourite divorcee.

As if we needed an excuse! Ross certainly doesn’t, and Janice becomes his “lucky” number 7. Alas he’s too annoying for HER. Could be worse Janice, you could have been seduced by Chandler’s boss. Imagine you’re half way through sex; he spanks you on the ass and shouts “BING!”

True to my word, I’ve been trying to arrange my own returning guest appearance in the form of Joey Number 1.

We spoke but didn’t manage to arrange anything…

“Are you free in a couple of weeks?”
“No”
“Coming to Dr Phalange’s hen do?”
“When is it?”
“13th of April.”
“No. You coming to the wedding?”
“No, it’s on our due date.”

But they seemed alright, if a little surprised I was having a baby.

Oh, THERE’S my secret. Thank you, Friends™.

I’m not sure the news helped bring us back together if I’m honest, only serving to highlight how different our lives have become. Me, in a cosy dead-end job, in a comfortable marriage in the suburbs, them suited up, jet-setting around the world on their 8-6. Perhaps there’s a link between them and Chandler Number 2’s single-dom and their ability to pursue high flying jobs with unsociable hours and distance involved? I can’t exactly up sticks to Yemen in pursuit of my career.

Or maybe all my other mates are doing fine too and I shouldn’t use my relationship as an excuse for my lack of ambition and talent.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

The curse of Friends™ strikes again! And this time it’s physical. What is it I hear you cry?

Yep. Not nine episodes after Joey, I was minding my own business at the toilet when I felt an excruciating pain and had to stumble to the bed before I passed out (thankfully, no longer pissing).

After a while it seemed whatever had caused it had passed. Literally, it turns out. And my wife gleefully exclaimed one of her favourite Friends™ quotes:

“Kidney Stones? KIDNEY STONES”.

It’s always good to know I have her support.

There’s still a hole in our fence.

Yep, that wasn’t some tortured metaphor, Storm Dennis literally blew a gaping hole in our fence. The second of three major storms within a month. And as usual, the second one in the trilogy proved to be the most potent.

Maybe the current (rather lacklustre) storm (1.5 stars) could redo the damage if the fence had been fixed in time? We’ll never know. I suspect not, as we all know, the third one is always the worst.

I’ve already spoke to several companies about getting it fixed. And was ready to go with what I considered the best option. But the second I confirmed the date THEY suggested they disappeared! Like Keyser Soze in reverse.

I wouldn’t mind being ghosted, but it seems a little more offensive when it’s being done by a fencing company instead someone you actually fancy. I just want a fence! I wasn’t trying to slip one inside him.

I'm starting to think I may as well do it myself! I wouldn’t have minded if they simply weren’t free anymore. But now I look completely stupid because I insisted we go for these guys over my wife’s (slightly cheaper) pick because they “seemed more professional”.

Ah well, at least it makes it easier to go to the shops.
 
“The One Where It’s the Start of a New Decade”

Like most things at the moment I’m still behind Friends™ too. Really won’t be surprised if our baby’s late if they’re anything like me.

The Friends™ are doing new years and heading into 1999. Not quite the EXCITEMENT of a new decade that we all feel. Right? Ok, maybe not. Seeing the lack of excitement, it’s hard to belief we’re the generation who watched our parents lose their shit over the millennium bug.

The Friends™ are a lot more excited about New Years. All getting into the spirit of things with typically ridiculous resolutions. Chandler not making mean jokes, Monica taking more pictures, Phoebe stealing a plane.

Strangely out of those three Monica’s seems the most outlandish. You’d be hard-pressed today to find someone wanting to take LESS selfies.

Seeing how far behind with things I am I reckon I’d struggle with Ross’s the most. Do one new thing every day. EVERY DAY. God Ross, I know you’ve got a lot of time on your hands with the divorce and job-loss, but take it easy, dude. Last time I tried something new I ended up getting punched in the face by my wife’s brother.

I did briefly consider taking up boxing after that (and why not, it was Boxing Day…) but now the only boxing I’m doing is chucking away the boxes our baby furniture came in.

Like most of us, Ross’s resolution fails pretty quick after the infamous incident with the leather trousers.

I really don’t know why he thought ringing Joey in that situation would help?

And Rachel finds out about Chanica too! Alas, we’ll have to wait till next time to see how that turns out, as her resolution is to no longer gossip…

It all adds up to a pretty classic episode. Not bad for number eleven!

As it’s the start of a new decade, I thought it might be nice to take this opportunity to look back at some of the Real Live Friends we’ve lost along the way. And why not, it is Oscars™ season…

I always said at the start I expected my friendships to be more flexible than the cliquey Friends™. Fortunately I’ve done a lot better at holding onto people than I thought! Even managing to meet up on occasion with the people I love who don’t easily fit into one of my social circles.

Looking at my list of people “lucky” enough to have been given a character, I’ve only lost a couple.

I haven’t seen my Phoebe Number 2 since leaving my old job. Perhaps giving them a character was a little ambitious given I only ever saw them at work? But still, we got on very well, and I do sometimes think of trying to get in touch again.

Less of a loss is Chandler Number 4. An old Real Live Friend who only briefly returned to sleep with my sister. I’m sure I’d enjoy a catch up, just next time not when I come downstairs to have breakfast, only to find he’s been up all night with my sister.

But this is the biggie...

Joey Number 1.

Since being a very BAD Joey and getting an exciting high profile job they’ve completely slipped off the radar.

We’re all sure they’re doing well, but it would be nice if they came to just one social event. Come to think of it, I can’t even remember the last time I spoke with them, it might even be over a year! Oh, Joey –oh, Joey, oh, where for art thou? Joey, oh…

This is not good. With all the Friends™ making resolutions, I’ll have to try and make an effort to arrange a catch up. I mean, I’d do it anyway.

Wouldn’t I?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

If my real life was a sitcom, this would be a bit of a sentimental episode. We’ve been putting together the baby’s room. We got a painter in (no ghosting from them…) stuck up stickers, made the cot, but when it came to the chest of drawers I insisted I did it myself.

Not out of any toxic masculinity, I just thought it would be nice to give my wife a break. Or, that’s what I pretended, really I just wanted to listen to my own music.

I thought I had a good handle on it (no pun intended) until I was about to have a tea break and realised I’d put on every single one of the brackets for the shelves an inch too close to the edge. Personally, I consider it a design flaw that it was possible to do this, but had to take responsibility when my wife asked how it was going.

“Well, you know how an hour ago I’d done steps 1 and 2? Now I’ve done step 3! But I have to do steps 1 and 2 again.”

Maybe I shouldn’t try and fix the fence myself?

Eurgh, more of this Rachel and Danny stuff?

This is the Friends™ equivalent of someone banging on about their Tindr™ dates. It’s all so far removed from my own life!

This’ll be how my mates feel when I show them baby scan pictures…

At least they’ve finally gone on a date! If only for Rachel to find he and his sister are way too “handsy”.

Like Monica and Ross, our own families no longer wrestle. Just punch each other in the face.

Ross has rapidly forgotten that Joey did some “inappropriate wrestling” with HIS sister. You’d think there’d be more fallout from that? (It’s almost like the other characters know it isn’t true.)

Perhaps Ross has got more important things on his mind now he’s on sabbatical?

But it’s strange that, immediately after losing his job AND finding out Joey “slept” with Monica, Ross is putting all his energy into helping Joey; who’s writing a play following an (all too brief) visit to Estelle.

 “The One Where I Tell My Family (About the baby, not that I've spend over four years blogging about Friends™)”

Monica Number 2 is still as relaxed as Ross about their unemployment. More so, if anything.

I’ve already proposed they could be considered a Rachel, and now they’re gunning heavily for Ross too (Number 4 I think it is?). I’m not sure if this makes them the most rounded of my Real Live Friends? Or some horrendous Frankenstein’s Monster…

Ross has certainly got a lot of time on his hands, but the others seem just as free and easy.

It’s a sharp contrast to my life: working hard, getting everything ready for the baby, and trying to keep the house clean. Hey, Monica Number 2 ! Fancy clearing out my fridge?

Chandler and Joey are inventing silly games; flicking an egg into a bowl with a spoon, hammer darts™, fireball™. It reminds me of the time Monica Number 2 accidentally made a hole in Cannibal Bosses wall at a house party. No hammer darts involved, I think they were trying to climb up the corridor? They really are a person of many personas. Monica… Ross… Spiderman.

And Phoebe’s out there bell ringing. Bell ringing? In February?! What is she like…

Wait… am I wrong… How has this happened!?! Could it be I’ve fallen so far behind the Friends™ are stuck in Christmas™ whilst I’m at Valentines Day™?!

I knew my entries were slipping… but can I really have let things get this bad in the excitement of the baby?

Maybe, and it pains me to say it. Maybe, I just don’t care as much anymore?

Maybe I’ve just got better things to do?

If the Friends™ are constantly looking for distractions, like bell ringing, writing a play, Ultimate Fireball™.

Then I am craving the opposite. It seems now life, with all its Netflix™, smartphones, and “adulting” is one big distraction. Rather than looking for things to do in boredom, we look for boredom. And long for a holiday where we can do nothing. Idly looking into space without having a screen in front of us. Finding a moment of emptiness, snatched between the trip to buy the pram, and the need to fix your fence because a “hurricane” blew a hole in it and now everyone walking past can see you writing a blog in your dressing gown.

And in amongst that there’s Real Live Friends. Ultimate Fireball™. The things you want to do for no real reason other than because you can. And maybe it might entertain your friends for a short while. Friends already overstuffed on entertainment. Like chicks being force-fed grain to make Foie Gras.

But I will continue! I’m sure I’ll have ample time to get back on schedule once the babies here (… he lied).

Maybe I could get Monica Number 2 to be my own Ross? To make me put the work in, give me a schedule, be my Mr Motivator™.

Not that it works out for Ross and Joey, all it does is cause an argument between Chandler and Ross!

Joey fixes it though, by making his play about them and getting them to read it out for him.

Honestly. What kind of loser puts their friends in their grand creative project?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

This is from a while back. There’s a lot to catch up on now the baby is out in the open.

It was a day of great excitement as the time had come to tell my family!

We gathered them for dinner, nerves building as I tried desperately to get everyone in the same room at the same time. It was like Christmas™! But if you had to wait 7 months to open your present.

I’d planned it all out, knew what I was going to say. Everyone was there, even my baby nephew, oblivious to the news he was about to get his first cousin.

My moment was here.

“I SUPPOSE YOU’VE WONDERED WHY I’VE GATHERED YOU ALL HERE” I said excitedly.

God, I’d always wanted to say that to a room full of people… but before I could bask in the moment of glory and deliver the big news itself I was interrupted by dad.

“Shhh, what you shouting for? You’ll disturb your nephew.”

The moment gone and, thoroughly embarrassed, I let my wife give them the news instead.