It’s the end of the season! Which means once again I’ve forgot to grapple with how to do two parters…

Technically this one aired as ONE BIG EPISODE.

It occurs to me I could have watched the whole show as ONE BIG EPISODE. Non-stop it would have taken less than four days. I could’ve taken a few days off work, re-watched Friends™, and spent the best part of my 20s and 30s doing something completely different.
But where’s the fun in that? Here we are at the half way point. Five years behind me, five years ahead.

“The One in Watford Part 2”

They crammed so much into the first part, I didn’t even have time to mention Joey’s hand twin!

They do have remarkably similar hands.

Alas, Joey’s enthusiasm gets him and Phoebe kicked out of the casino.

One of the few times I’ve been in a casino was my stag do. I’m not a big gambler, but left the club in the dead of night to follow some less musically inclined mates on their quest to find a casino. At this point I was at a Rachel and Ross level of drunk.

So I decided to follow them. And almost did one better than Joey and Phoebe by not being let in! But it turns out casino’s don’t really care about letting inebriated people in. As soon as I took off my pirate costume.

They say the house always wins. But in this instance their gamble of letting me in didn’t pay, as we spent our entire time lurking, too nervous to approach any tables.

Phoebe’s having a lot of trouble with an old lady Lurker. Perhaps some echo of a future me, still trapped in the casino. Never able to tell Phoebe I know everything about her. Even… that she was in Jail?!

“NO, No, I’m not going back to the big house!” she screeches as she’s removed from the casino. It’s yet another glimpse of a much darker past then we might have first thought. When, oh when, will we get our “Young Phoebe” prequel series?

Phoebe’s lurker story and Joey’s hand twin is a great example of that trend I noticed recently. The more serious the A plot, the sillier the B plot is.

And what a serious A plot we get! Chandler and Monica deciding to take the biggest gamble of all, and get married! Only to find they’ve been beaten to it in one of the greatest cliff-hangers the show ever produced.

I remember well the wild reaction from watching this for the first time. My wife reminds me it was the talk of the school next day, and I think this inter-generational appeal is a key ingredient in the show’s success. My generation went wild for it whilst still in school, and Boomers watched it to look back at their misspent youth and laugh.

Even though it’s a great twist, for me it’s the moment Chandler finally overcomes his fear of commitment that makes the episode. He sees the cocked dice and Monica leaves it up to him to decide if they get married or not.

It’s really, beautifully done.

It reminds me how I felt when I decided I was going to propose. I’d been away on holiday for a while, and rushed home to see my wife as soon as I could. I arrived two hours early and took my wife completely by surprise coming out of the shower. I knew right then as I saw her shrieking in just a towel that she was the one I wanted to be with forever.

Let’s hope when she goes to Vegas she doesn’t marry someone new!

You know what? Given Rachel and Ross spent the last episode in a plane, I think I can be forgiven for splitting these two episodes up. In fact I too have spent the last week on a plane, I booked a long haul flight to Vegas!!

If only. I am, of course still at home with the baby. Although I do have a permanent marker should parenting turn boring.

Thankfully it’s a long time since I’ve been to the sort of party where you end up covered in permanent marker. I do miss getting as drunk as Rachel and Ross. But after losing control of my mind and body in such a public way, I’m no longer as enamoured with the idea of getting plastered to lose control. I’ve no idea what could happen.

Regardless getting drunk again properly is quite a way off, as we’ve got to look after the baby. We’re limiting our drinks for the moment. This is definitely a good idea. No-one wants to see a baby with a moustache drawn on its face.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’ve been driving round with a mattress in my car for about three weeks.

Not because our relationship has broke down. Although it might be nice having somewhere I can sleep without being woken by a baby… No, we just decided to treat ourselves to a new mattress.

I have been TRYING to get rid of the old one. Coronavirus has wreaked bloody havoc with the tip. Sorry with the “Household Waste, and Recycling Centre”.

My first attempt to fit the task in between my parenting and work duties, ended in failure when I arrived at the nearest site only to find a massive queue. A queue which I didn’t have time to wait around for. I’m a busy man in between watching Friends™ and mental health crisising myself into the COVID Ward. Really, I should have just turned up after closing hours, parked outside the gate and slept in my car till morning.

I tried again on my next free day. All ready to go, I put the site in my Google™ maps, and sure enough, yep, closed on a Wednesday.

And on the third day I rested. Well, no, I decided to go to a more familiar site near our old place. The problem this time was, in the lockdown period I seem to have completely forgotten how to drive!

I hit the M25, waiting the 3 miles to the junction, and “Uh, Oh” missed the turning. Another fifteen minutes added. I came back down the M1. There’s the junction! Great. Next thing I knew… Another fifteen minutes. HOW DID I MISS THAT? OK. This time… Don’t think about anything else but the satnav. And… OH COME ON. A THIRD TIME!?!? Where is this place??! Fucking Hogwarts?!? DO I NEED TO DRIVE THROUGH A BARRIER OR SOMETHING.

Eventually I found the place and ditched the mattress with a satisfying “Whooomp”. It must have just been my subconscious enjoying having some time away from my phone.

And that’s how we end Season Five.

The Friends have a trip to Vegas, I have a trip to the tip.

It’s Chandler and Monica’s anniversary!!

And, coincidentally, my 2 year anniversary too!

They’re going to Vegas!

And we’re staying at home because of the baby.

I wouldn’t have minded, but we did fuck all last year too. Well, we had plans. Our wedding venue was supposed to give us an anniversary meal as part of our package. And yet they claimed no knowledge of it when we rang up to book a year later. It still smarts to this day…

We do have plans for a nice restaurant. One I very much hope is doing the ‘Eat Out to Help Out’™ scheme. (No, YOU’RE trying to write an original cunnilingus joke.)

If they're not it’s gonna break the bank a bit. Due to the current situation we’re not even doing presents this year. Maybe we should try our luck with the wedding venue again? I imagine they’re not overbooked.

Chandler’s gone all out and forgotten his present on the flight to Vegas. They’re visiting Joey who, of course, is waiting for his film production to start up again. Like most people in that industry at the moment. (Also, here’s a fun fact, Joey’s pin number in this episode spells out his name. And yet he STILL can’t remember it.)

Chandler is also banning Monica from seeing Richard again, after a chance meeting. Which is VERY not cool. If you ask me she should get back at him with a terrible present.

Like another one of his awful ties.

“The One in Watford Part 1”

As you can probably tell I’m feeling a lot chipper.

I’ve been doing better by focusing on all the little positives, and reading the news less. The lack of caffeine and extra exercise seems to have made a big difference too. Although I did have a cheeky Espresso™ this morning so if you see a madman dressed as a centurion on the news raving about not being as good as Richard you’ll know it’s me.

We had a big talk about everything, how my moods have been making things unpleasant, and how we both just want to enjoy this precious experience whilst it lasts. It feels like our babies already doubled in size! She’ll be riding our cat in no time.

Honestly things have been lovely since then. I’m very lucky to have someone who can point out when I’m being grumpy, I had no idea how much things were getting to me and what a slump I’d let myself fall into.

We still do the odd bit of verbal sparring, but in a fun way again, trying to keep any lockdown annoyances to a minimum. It’s nice seeing Rachel and Ross on their flight doing the same. It seems forever since we’ve seen them together.

It all spurs from Rachel enjoying a bit of alone time, naked in the flat. We’ve all been there; in the kitchen… naked, lighting a candle… naked (and carefully), running through the streets screaming… naked. Hashtag Kony2012.

Like Rachel, our baby loves being naked. I think that’s an “all babies thing”. It can be hard to differentiate between baby things and what is distinctly hers. She seems to be developing her own personality at this point. But when pressed to describe it to our Real Live Friends we realised we were just describing all babies. I suppose as long as I can pick her out of a line-up, that’s the main thing.

We, too, enjoy walking round the house… naked. Although we do wonder at what point she’ll be too old for us to do so. When is it no longer appropriate? Consensus seems to be, once they’re old enough to tell you not to. Our four year old niece has instructed her dad to put a sign on her door: “No Naked, Burping People”. I’m unclear on whether it’s no naked people and no burping people, or if you’re allowed to burp as long as you’re not naked.

You have to be careful walking around the house naked, lest you become an Ugly Naked Guy. And that’s what happens to Rachel and Ross.

Given they spied on Ugly Naked Guy for years, you’d think Rachel would realise Ross would be able to see her! Wait a minute… this means the whole time they were watching Ugly Naked Guy… HE COULD SEE THEM LOOKING AT THEM.

He KNEW. He… Knew…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

One of the many fun things about babies, is so many minor things can go wrong, that’s it’s never what you’d expect.

For example, we’ve been sick with worry the last week, even speaking to one of my doctor friends (Doctor Phalange), after noticing our baby, much like the British electorate, has developed a preference for only looking right.

Apparently it’s nothing really to worry about, but does mean we’ve got to a put in a bit of work to encourage her to look left a bit more. So I’ve bought her a copy of Das Kapital and the Communist Manifesto.

It seems as our babies moods get better mine get worse.

She’s now becoming a bubbling ball of delight, but the strain of dealing with parenthood, returning to work, and watching the world burn has turned me into a gibbering wreck.

There are so many worries I had about parenthood. They all came to a head and contributed to my trip to the COVID ward.

What if I don’t feel that outpouring of love everyone talks about? What if something goes wrong in labour? What if it’s just flat out awful?

Now I’ve faced them all. I felt the love. When my wife was whisked off to be sown up I confronted my biggest fear of losing her and being left with an inferior, infinitely more needy copy. My expectation for the first six weeks was so low that even when the screams were ringing in my ears at 3am it was manageable.

So why don’t I feel much better?

I’ve always hated the “Anxiety” word. But I’ve never experienced anything as strong as this. A very real feeling emanating from my stomach outwards, and sometimes taking over my whole body. Thankfully I’m able to keep control now I know what it is and that it’s not some horrendous blood disease caused by giving plasma, or the bogey man itself… Coronavirus. I can’t imagine how crazy I’d be if we hadn’t caught it early, and passed the anti-bodies onto our pride and joy.

We’ve got to two months and I’ve been left with the realisation the phrase “New Normal” means something very different to me than the rest of the country. A brand new status quo, that there’s no point fighting. I’m sure it would be much easier if we hadn’t lost almost everything we enjoyed. I’m sure these bursts of nervous energy are just from sitting on the couch for so long. The pangs I feel whenever we venture out again just a powerful feeling of excitement at being able to meet people again.

When things finally do go back to normal I promise I won’t ever complain about feeling tired or lacking energy again. I had non idea I was expending so much doing the 9 to 5 commuter rush.

But it’s deeply frustrating I will never know what this experience would have been like without a global pandemic. If I’d have coped any better, at such a major life event. The First Child. Would I have dealt with it better without everything else happening?

“The One With The Dirty Nappies”

Rather than a big breakdown, Joey is pursuing his big break with a journey to Vegas, baby!

It’s a great excuse to hop in Phoebe’s taxi again. For a whopping THIRTY EIGHT hour drive. I missed driving so much during the lockdown. And now I finally have an excuse to go places I can barely stand more than half an hour in the car… Sorry, positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

The taxi first cropped up at the start of jolly old 2017. And again, the notorious time Friends™ inspired me to get a tattoo. It was last seen when I was banging on about getting Zen and simply letting things wash over me.

Maybe I was less OK with that than I thought? Parenthood is the biggest manifestation of loss of control. My whole life is now defined by the desires of another. And I’ve got to look out for what my baby wants too! (Thank you, thank you, no really, I love the wife, tip your waitress etc).

Perhaps I’ve just had too much of a good thing? That glimpse of what life could be like if I didn’t have to work, didn’t have any responsibilities to anyone, didn’t have any social engagements to keep.

I got so used to having control again I’ve forgot how to cope with not having control. I drove to visit people at work the other day, and half way there needed the toilet. The next half hour was hell! It’s ridiculous. Only half an hour, but I’ve got so used to being able to pee whenever I want that being stuck in a car sent me into a spiral of mortifying thoughts.

I had the same problem when we finally got to meet our NCT friends.

A lovely day, finally going back to the pub, but “uh oh” meeting new people is a little scary isn’t it? And, my god it’s hot, I better just get a glass of water before they arrive. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NEED TO DOWNLOAD AN APP, WITH NO WIFI. God if I was at home I’d have drunk the water by now AND wouldn’t have to talk to anyone.

 But anyway… I’m managing, how are you? I think taking control in little ways is helping, and remembering that it’s OK to surrender myself to things I can’t control. It’s worked thus far?

Meeting the NCT people was nice actually. We had the usual discussions you do when you first meet people. What’s your job? How did you meet? Have you tried the breastmilk?

I’ve yet to succumb. As much as I hate being like Ross, I just can’t bring myself to do it. My main fear is enjoying it a bit TOO much. Yet, whenever I tell people this my wife laughs it off. She’s blissfully unaware how far my depravity has gone since the last time I had a boob in my mouth. One of the NCT dads told us he tried some, in a moment of desperation after running out of milk for his coffee!

I’ve stopped drinking coffee. As part of my coping strategy, not out of disgust. One day archaeologists will look back, see a time where Coffee Shops springing up all over the place coincided with a wave of anxiety sweeping the nation and draw their own conclusions. Maybe this is why New Yorker’s are so neurotic?

It turns out I don’t actually need all that caffeine if I’m not walking three hours a day to get to work and back. Who knew? If the Friends™ took things  a little slower maybe they wouldn’t have to blow all their money on expensive coffee. They could even afford to get their own place! Just one less avocado a week…

The last time the Friends™ took the taxi they were heading off on a Ski Trip. God I can’t wait to go on one of those! As lady luck should have it, my wife is also planning a trip to Vegas. Not to pursue her big break. I think she just wants to get away from me.

I wouldn’t blame her, despite all I said last week it must be damn hard being stuck with someone else constantly. Especially when they’re always grumpy, and all you want is to enjoy your first child. In an effort to keep things interesting we’ve been talking about our dreams more. The baby alarm clock has actually been really good for getting us some nice time together in the morning. A lovely cup of (decaffeinated) tea. Please hold the breast milk.

A dream turns out to be the reason Phoebe hates Ross all of a sudden. But Phoebe, there are so many great reasons to choose from…

She’s developed a solid method for finding out what people really think, asking quick Either/Or questions, and discovers Joey would rather bang Monica than Rachel? Ah, isn’t this the age old question for the male Friends™ viewer? Like Joey, I’m definitely more into Monica than Rachel this time around. Especially seeing the way she gets on top of Rachel. Now that’s what I call surrendering control.

Rachel’s need for eye drops reminds me, I really need to get an eye test. I could do with some smaller glasses that don’t steam up with a mask. She’s really a bit pathetic. Even our baby dealt with her vaccinations better than this! I imagine baby felt similar to Joey finding out the movie’s cancelled after his trip across America. All the excitement of being played with, meeting a nice doctor, and then betrayed and stuck with a needle.

At least she could come home after and didn’t have to take up work in a shady casino to get by whilst the Director tries to get more funding. It’s cool that the show never shies away from showing the horrors of trying to make it in the acting profession. Even as the actors themselves are now paid a whopping $100,000 an episode!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

One of the cool things about having a baby is realising some things end up a lot easier than you expect, and some a lot harder.

I’d never changed a nappy before, but shortly before the birth I thought “oh, actually, I reckon I’ll be quite good at that”. I do like things to be clean, and years of holidaying on granddads farm left with me a very useful ability to avoid breathing through my nose when bad smells are about.

Clothes on the other hand are an absolute shocker. Arms go in leg holes, poppers are mismatched, and God forbid I attempt to choose the outfit myself. Couldn’t my wife have just bought clothes that ALL match?

We went to the hospital for a check-up, and I was super excited to use a baby changing area, and to show off my natural baby changing abilities in public for the first time. We’d forgotten the wipes so they gave me a little bowl with water and cotton wool, and I sauntered into the room, head held high.

I emerged five minutes later with a naked and very wet baby to appeal to my wife for help. In front of all the assembled medical staff. She helped me finish the nappy switch and clean up all the water I’d spilled, and then we noticed we didn’t have a set of fresh clothes either! So we left the hospital shame faced, with our baby wrapped in a blanket like a little baby Jesus.

I definitely won’t be winning any awards for dad of the year now.

Despite having the breakdown I always feared, but never thought would actually happen, at the WORST possible time (seriously, due date?!? Come on…) there was no time to recover.

Two days later we were in the hospital again. And this time it was my pregnant wife’s turn!

In a way, running through three months worth of adrenaline by completely losing my shit was quite helpful for dealing with the birth. I’m proud to say I was able to keep a level head and help her to the best of my ability.

I don’t want to go into too much detail so will just say, with the exception of my almost concurrent hospitalisation, it was nothing like Friends™.

“The One With the Baby”

Phoebe is moving in with her cop boyfriend, and we’ve also had a new person move in!

One who, I’m relieved to say, looks very little like Rachel’s new hairless sphinx cat.

Like a lot of people round about now, Rachel is regretting her new pet. We’ve done one better than people getting a pet in lockdown, and gone for a child.

I completely get the worry of things changing when you move in together. The new person screaming all the time, making a big mess, and that’s just my wife.

It’s true it’s a wild time where you find out a lot about your partner, as Phoebe does when her perfect cop bae shoots a bird. It’s no great surprise separations are expected to increase massively from families being forced closer together. But we’re lucky, and have grown closer and closer during lockdown. Even though I did go literally crazy briefly, I actually don’t know how we would have coped with the late stages of pregnancy and early stages of parenthood if I was around less.

This isn’t to say it’s all been perfect. We’ve learned some uncomfortable truths. Not least that our cat supplements their diet by eating entire birds. The other day I saw him bite one in half and swallow it whole! Like Rachel’s cat, they’re a little scratchy at times. We were slightly concerned we’d end up on the child services register, going into hospital with my wife looking like a self harmer from the cat, and me looking like a junkie from all the blood tests…

Fortunately the cat attacks look like they’ve finally been solved by the addition of a screaming baby to the house. He’s never spent so much time outside!

It’s clearly been good for him, and I think I need to try and get out more too if a repeat of what happened on due date is to be avoided. I feel back to normal now, able to quash any recurring jolts of anxiety by recognising where they’re coming from. And with the baby I have little time to over think anything.

But I am fearful of it becoming a “new normal”, my fight or flight response being activated by the mildest of stimulus.

There was a big concern of my more physical symptoms continuing too. Following the birth the pain in my arm continued, and I manifested a new sensation of a jolt of electric going from my thumb to my elbow when I reached to pick up things. Very much not something you want to be happening when you need to hold a baby!

But it’s passed now. I’m still none the wiser as to whether it was from my head, or if I was simply gripping the trolley too hard when my wife had to push.

Sorry, this sounds like I'm making it all about me. She's amazing and I couldn't be more impressed with what she did, and how well she coped with it!! And all her pain and effort produced a perfect little baby we've been looking after for a few weeks.

It’s amazing how quickly you go from putting up with late night screams and feeds, and thinking “there’s no way I’m going through this again” to it just becoming a part of your daily life. If the Friends™ think tossing a ball back and forth for hours is hard they want to try having a baby. You can never drop the ball for a second. Sure Monica can eat Pizza one handed. Try having to do that with every meal!

It's a pretty huge change, like Chandler says to Gary about Phoebe moving in:

“She is always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and, oh, yes, she's there.”

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My brother-in-law’s been having a bit of trouble with their own Ugly Naked Guy! Of all the things from Friends™ it really is surprising how often this comes up.

Gazing out the window one day, he was scarred for life when he saw his Ugly Naked Guy enjoying lockdown a little too much… I do, of course, mean; he was playing with his Giant Poking Device.

After my bad reaction to the plasma donation I felt like things were back to normal as we approached our due date.

Seeing as things are about to get a lot busier I ticked off the last few tasks I planned to get done. Lawn mown? Tick. Gutter’s unblocked? Tick. Finally watched Community™? Tick.

So why does the house still seem dirty?

“The One With the Hospital Visit”

I’ve finally put all of last year’s photos on Facebook™.

Looking through those is a reminder of the time before lockdown. And before pregnancy! Monica is filing her photos too. It seems the older I get the more I get like her… constantly cleaning, getting obsessed with little things, craving the warm embrace of Matthew Perry. We’ll know I’m really in trouble if I start stealing from my sister.

I don’t see much point as she’s not super minted. We can’t all be raking it in like Ross on his Palaeontologist salary. Like a lot of us she’s not had a great time in lockdown. Going through the same thing every day. Like Groundhog Day. She’s moved between her place and my parents several times to try and cope with the loneliness.

My old mate Chandler Number Four has been back in the picture. Looks like they’re actually quite close now! Monica is trying to decide whether to hide a voicemail from Emily on her wedding night from Ross. And I’m in a similar position, wondering what’s best for my sibling, is he good for her? He was cool when I knew him, but people can change a lot in a decade. Should I try and protect her? When really it’s none of my business.

I’d be livid if someone hid something like that from me. I can’t side with Monica. If you think being with someone will make you happy you should go for it. And you have a right to make that decision. Ross and Emily always seemed good together. But we can’t see what goes on behind closed doors. And at the moment it’s all closed doors.

The Friends™ are wondering how they’d react in a war… Get out of our collective heads Friends™ writers! If I see one more meme about how everyone put up with the blitz “so you can put up with a mask” I’ll jump under the nearest subway train. Of course I’ll have to wear a mask to get there…

MMMhhhh Subway™… I’d kill for a Meatball Marinara. Joey’s a lucky bastard getting one of those. AND getting to go for a ride in a cop car. Phoebe’s cop boyfriend is definitely a maverick, taking the boys out on a stake out. Surely that’s not allowed?

If I wanted to go for a ride in a police car all I’d have to do is go to the shops without wearing a mask. (Or be black in America). Still, at least we can go to the pub again! I’m not going to, as all my friends live miles away and we’re about to have a baby. But it must be nice for single people who have no-one to talk to. Soon I’ll have a new person to talk to!! Even if they can only respond by crying and shitting themselves. Not too different to a night out at Uni.

Panic is in the air, Chandler’s a little unhappy about the ride and BANG. Oh phew. Just a car backfiring. Backfiring cars are weird. We’ve all heard them, but I’ve never seen one. What if they are just guns? Another person sick of lockdown. BANG. Every time I click my fingers. BANG.

Don’t forget to breathe.

Ross thinks this is a near death experience. Not only that, one caused by some greater power.

“My ex-wife rings on the same day I had a near death experience! What are the chances?”

You’d have to be an idiot to give some cosmic significance to that. It’s hardly blogging about Friends™ for five years, seeing more and more coincidences build up, watching the episode where Joey is in hospital with kidney stones whilst Phoebe gives birth, and a few months later ending up in hospital when your wife’s due to give birth. Now that would be crazy.

Anyway, on our due date we settled down to watch the last film on my “I really want to watch that” list. Incredibles 2™. Don’t judge me.

No, seriously. Don’t judge me.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Half way through the film I felt faint again. Just like when I gave plasma. I lay down on the floor for a bit, had some water and a bit of food. And, after a while, started feeling better. They had said this could happen in the week after, but we had dinner plans at my wife’s mums so decided to brave the journey.

We talked about our worries of something happening to me if I needed to drive her to the hospital, or worse, what if I wasn’t up to being her birthing partner? She’d never forgive me if I missed the birth of our first child.

I started to feel a bit out of it again so decided not to brave the motorway. We only made it a little farther when I began to feel like I did in the blood clinic. Slightly faint, a heaviness developing in my body. We were half way there by this point so my wife took over the drive. Surely it’ll pass and we can have a nice dinner? Don’t forget to breathe.

I cracked a window and focused on breathing. We got to her mums. I got out the car… and collapsed to the pavement. In broad daylight, passers-by checking in. (Whilst maintaining a two metre distance.)

Once we got inside I lay on the sofa and began to feel better again, but was struggling to concentrate on what anyone was saying. Is that a new symptom? Or just my default state after staying inside for 3 months?

Everything seemed fine really, a minor recurrence of last week as my body recovers, surely? But what about the numbness I felt in my hand during the week? Twice whilst playing my Nintendo Switch™ I’d felt a tingly/numb feeling in my hand. They said there was a slim chance of nerve damage too. We decided to call 111 so we could put this to bed. No need to ruin our evening plans. I must be fine!

I told them everything, expecting some reassurance.

“Based on the answers you’ve given to our questions, we advise you to attend A and E within the next hour.”

NEXT HOUR?! What’s wrong with me? I think someone said 111 thought I’d had a heart attack. My wife drove me to the hospital. And I kept getting worse. My whole chest felt heavy, arms and legs numb as I struggled to breathe. I became convinced my heart was leaking. Blood spilling out internally, slowly sapping the life out of me. If they didn’t treat me immediately I’d be a goner.

To be fair to them they did treat me immediately. It turns out collapsing at the check-in desk of A and E during a global pandemic is the best way to get whisked straight to the COVID-19 ward.

“No, NO. You fools, can’t you tell I’m bleeding?! It’s not COVID. I’ve ALREADY had that.”

They checked my bloods. A succession of doctor’s came in. “Breath like this”. Four in, hold, four out.

Then five minutes later “Why are you breathing like that?”

Your bloody colleague told me to!! Now do I have COVID or not?? I still haven’t got my anti-body results back from the blood trial. Maybe I didn’t have it the first time? Oh god. What if I catch it FROM HERE. This is the worst place I could be. What if they don’t let me in the labour ward now? What if my wife goes into labour NOW?!?

I will not miss the birth of my child. I will not miss the birth of my child. I WILL NOT MISS THE BIRTH OF MY CHILD.

They took my blood pressure, tested my blood. A masked doctor with the third prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen spoke to me and I cried uncontrollably about all the things I hadn’t realised had been bothering me for the last three months.

And that’s how I became possibly the only person to end up on the COVID ward without actually having it, and the first person to have a breakdown triggered by the Incredibles 2™.

Glory be! We’re allowed to have six people over! The number six clearly chosen as it’s the number of Friends™.

It’s the perfect number for a little gathering really, keeps things moving without anyone having to take the lead too much. And gave us a good excuse to see some people again without it overwhelming my heavily pregnant wife. Or setting me off into a spiral of agoraphobia and social anxiety.

So Ross, Rachel, David the Science Guy, and Mrs David the Science Guy came round for a much needed chat.

Pictured: Mrs David the Science Guy

After all the Zooming, it was great to see they still have bodies as well as faces! And we were able to fully enjoy the British summer. Sitting two meters apart in my garden under golfing umbrellas, discussing whether an umbrella acting as a lightning rod would be more or less deadly than Covid-19.

 “The One Where I Try to Help”

Fittingly, the bulk of this episode is the Friends™ sitting in an apartment watching TV.

Joey’s landed a part on Law and Order™, which, as Phoebe points out, should actually be “Order and Law”. #RachelAndRossNotRossAndRachel

Joey’s grandma seems to have survived the wave of Covid that’s swept the Earth, so she’s round to watch the episode too. Don’t worry; I’m making her sit outside under one of the umbrellas. Not cause of Covid, I just don’t want to talk to anyone I don’t know.

Is this the first time a grandparent’s been in the show? That’s alive anyway. I remember Monica and Ross’s grandma. The first time the show suggested it could do more than just comedy.

Phoebe’s grandma has featured before too. I’d completely forgotten about that!

I even missed her funeral!! It was only two months ago, when I was a little caught up in my own problems… I am a bad Friend™

Deciding to have a kid has already impacted our ability to see friends and family. Yep, that’s the only reason we’re feeling isolated... And here we are at nine months, as Chandler and Monica celebrate their ten month anniversary! Bit of an odd anniversary to celebrate, but OK. Has it really been that long? Good on you guys, I hope you’ve been enjoying all those private moments between the panels.

They seem pretty secure. Monica doesn’t give a fig that Chandler’s flirting with a pizza delivery woman.

Is he really flirting? I said not, but my wife says yes. Given I’ve barely seen anyone for three months I’d probably consider eye contact flirting at this point. God I’ve missed talking to other people.

But, in a way, if I’ve managed to miss people like Ross it’s worth it. God he’s the worst. That poor pizza lady’s just trying to do her job without being creeped on!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With all that’s going on I decided to try and do something to help!

A month back I saw they’re doing a trial to see if blood plasma from people with Covid antibodies can help those afflicted. “Hey, I’ve got those!” I thought. I’ve got antibodies, uncle-bodies, you name it. Step right up!

I was ready to help out, and most importantly finally had an excuse to go somewhere other than my house! Unfortunately that place was Luton.

But I got there, they were very nice and ran me through all the questions they needed to ask, the risks to me, and how much I was a God damn hero that was gonna save us all. Ok, Ok. I might have imagined the last part.

They hooked me up to the machine, and we laughed and joked as I gradually had a small amount of blood removed, separated into its constituent parts, and some of them returned to me. “This is super cool” I thought.

I was wrong.

Halfway through the procedure I settled down to play some Love Island: The Game™. The second my thumb touched the phone I felt a little faint. Was this just Levi making me swoon after all that grafting? No. No, it was not. The nurses swung into action, reclining my chair, getting me some water, all that great caring stuff we’re clapping for every week. But I didn’t seem to be feeling much better.

After a while the decision was taken to stop the procedure. I was still conscious but shivering with a heavy feeling in my chest, and a little metallic taste in my mouth. This suggested a bad reaction to the anti-coagulant, a common response with no cause for concern, but it meant I’d be sitting in the chair for a few hours more than I expected.

“Oh God” I thought “what if my wife goes into labour?!” and I’m here, unable to drive. And worst of all, in Luton.

Things hadn’t been helped by me eating only a pack of ccrisps for lunch… Of all the days to return to my pre-lockdown eating habits. OBVIOUSLY having blood taken without a big lunch would cause a problem. IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.

I’m not going to lie, spending three hours uncontrollably shivering and shaking was pretty scary. If not as scary as thinking what my wife would say if she DID go into labour.

But it’s not often your body let’s you down like that. Ever since getting Corona I’ve been acting like I’m invincible, and this was a pretty horrible reminder that I’m not. Timed perfectly to match my 31st birthday.

That’s the last time I ever try to do something nice.

“Tapegate” was over pretty quick in the end.

Please excuse the “gate” suffix overuse. Given our drive was blocked it’s more appropriate than usual…

But yes, the neighbours took the tape down without the need for any awkward convos. Maybe it was an ill thought out expression of solidarity with the police? Clapping for carers is one thing. But kettling our yard for #AllLiveMatter would be a whole different, errr kettle of fish.

Speaking of fish, we now have a new neighbour related problem. Like a hydra rearing a second head after you removed the first. Well after the first fell off of its own accord because you were scared to talk to the hydra in case it had guns.

This isn’t to compare sitting at home watching Netflix™ to the trials of Hercules. More like the “Disney+ free trial of Hercules?” Am I right?

What was I saying? Sorry my heads getting increasingly scattergun. For all the talk of lockdown joy, I think the brain farts I had under control pre-lockdown are back. Dodgy memory, lack of concentration, being easily distracted. It’s not so much brain farts as brain I.B.S.

It’s almost as if they were linked to spending hour after hour with a screen… Whilst we wait for the baby, pretty much all of my decisions for the last two months can be summed up as:

So yes friends, I AM excited the babies nearly here. If only to break the monotony.

“The One With all the Fish”

There is finally a glimmer of hope, the lockdown has eased slightly. So we’ve been able to see family!

We went for a “socially distanced” BBQ at my parents. Or “socially distended” as my phone keeps insisting. “Socially distended” is apt actually. Despite not seeing dad for months he decided he’d had enough within an hour and disappeared back to his TV room! It’s good some things haven’t changed.

It was amazing seeing everyone again. Particularly my nephew who’s already walking! And fair play to him for only seeing me as often as Ben shows up. It was nice to reconnect. After a little coaxing, I even got him to race me in the garden! Setting us up for a lifetime of competition that I cannot possibly win.

Hopefully he ends up as cool as the actor who played Ben, who this week was one of many #BlackLivesMatter protestors arrested for peacefully protesting in the U.S.

I’m not entirely sure how we got to the point where PEACEFUL protestors are getting arrested. But I don’t think a silly blog about Friends™ is the best medium to address this latest twist in “2020: The End Times”.

Also, just to give my wife some more worries, WOW Ben grew up hot.

Ross fawning over his cuteness now seems less the action of an irritating parent and more a vision of the future.

One thing that is emphatically not cute is Chandlers tie. AGAIN.

Jesus, Chandler… can’t you get Rachel to take you on a shopping trip?! It’s not like YOU’RE locked down.

Ok, Rachel is a little busy. Trying to work her way in with her new boss by taking up smoking. I swore I recognised this boss like the one she interviewed with… but again it’s me remembering them from Friends™. I wonder if this Déjà vu will get worse as we get nearer to the end of the series?

What’s really weird though is just this week Ross Number 2 said he’d had a cheeky cigarette at a socially distanced meeting with his boss! Ross Number 2, Chandler Number 1, and now gunning to be Rachel Number 3 too. How greedy!

Stealing the spotlight is a pretty Rachel thing it turns out. She’s got a surprise birthday party, and it’s my birthday too!

They’re throwing her a party that’s such a big surprise it’s a month early. I quite like the idea of that. Giving someone a birthday party at a random time of the year, like they’re the Queen or something. But Rachel’s stolen the spotlight from Chandler too, as his birthday is sooner. I love that he just wouldn’t mention that while they’re planning the party. Chandler you’re a better man than I.

What did I do for my birthday you ask? My last birthday of freedom before parenthood? My last ever opportunity to have it large without having to take my child’s needs into consideration?

Absolutely fuck all.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

FISH!

Yes. That was it.

The last few mornings we’ve come downstairs to mysteriously shredded cat treat pouches on our carpet.

Was he getting them out a bin somewhere? Surely no one was giving a full pack of cat treats to him every night?!

So I stayed up late one night, and sure enough, in he came through the cat flap with a FULL pack of treats, already opened at the top. I confiscated his haul and went to bed, determined to find out who’s feeding my cat! Only to come down in the morning to yet another destroyed pouch!

I think someone might be leaving a window open in the heat… and, oh my god, I’ve raised a Cat Burglar!

Lockdown restrictions are loosening. We may soon be able to have contact with people beyond waving from our balcony!

Not that it’s stopping the Friends™ as Ross’s new apartment gives ample opportunity for waving from across the street. Amongst other things.

“The One With the Guns”

It’s also an opportunity for Joey to commence his search for love! Starting with a “hot girl” spotted in Ross’s building. I can just imagine thousands of similar love stories across the UK right now, as neighbours finally give in to the sexual tension building between them every time they bash their pots and spread the clap for the NHS.

...

Sexual tension is a bit of a theme this week.

Rachel has a series of accidental mishaps with her new boss, and Monica is frustrated Phoebe is in the early “can’t keep your hands off each other” stage, which she’s now left. Fortunately there’s no risk of any sexual tension for us at the moment as we’re fully absorbed in the late stages of pregnancy. Along with never leaving the house, at this point I’m one homebrew away from becoming a monk.

It’s nice seeing Chandler and Monica’s relationship progressing, but it’s not surprising the sex is slowing down given the ties he wears.

Another thing I noticed in the background is the writing under the wanted poster for Joey.

It’s actually a plea by Joey to find “Hot Girl”! That’s a nice touch.

There’s no way I’d hire Rachel after the way her interviews go… Despite the awkwardness maybe her new boss DOES think he has a chance with her? I swear I recognise this guy…

He must have been in something else?

Nope, turns out it’s just Friends™ I’ve seen him in. Or maybe I’ve met him somewhere? Back in the days when you could meet people. Oh god, maybe I had a job interview with him?! I did once kiss a potential employer… I’m pretty sure I own that blouse and pantsuit. OK. I think I need to stop now.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’m not the only one losing my mind a bit. Our neighbour’s become increasing protective of their driveway. First leaving a note on their bin saying "stay off the grass or you will be shot”.

OK, perhaps a little aggressive, but I think a humorous way to get their point across. And the bit where people cut through is very close to their window...

But later that evening they took things a step further. I looked out my window to see they’d put hazard tape across all our parking spots to stop people cutting through on the way to the shops!

Not really on, what if we need to drive urgently somewhere? Like I don’t know, the maternity ward?!

I’ll have to talk to them. Right after I’ve made sure they don’t actually have any guns.

Even in lockdown, our preparations for parenthood continue. “Life will, err, find a way.”

We’ve been doing NCT classes on Zoom™!

Ostensibly, this is to help us through the late stages of pregnancy and the early stages of parenthood, but, like a lot of people, we also thought it was a good idea to make some new mates closer to home. Plus they’re also about to have babies so we can hang out (once this is all over…) without being embarrassed by our screaming infant and getting our tits out. It’s like the married equivalent of getting Tindr™.

In the current situation this was a good call, as all our Real Live Friends are now both socially distant AND physically distant. Is it right to describe this as a “Situation”? I don’t know. We’re in week eight (I think) words are losing all meaning.

When I spoke to a Real Live Friend about this, they perceptively described it as the 3rd and final major opportunity to massively increase your social circle. After school and uni/jobs.

Perhaps I shouldn’t put too much stock in this observation, as this is the mate who, when I asked them what they’d want for their stag do, replied with going to a beach and digging a massive hole.

Maybe it’s no longer comparable, given the ease with which our generation can stay in touch, but there’s definitely some truth to what they said. The vast majority of my mother’s friends to this day are people she met on her class. So we’ve been taking it seriously. So seriously, it’s become a bit like playing a couples version of Love Island™.

NO, I’M NOT OBSESSED.

“The One Where Our House is Not Child Safe”

This is a bit of a nothing episode really, entertaining but without any huge developments. Maybe that’s what we need after the all the real life drama!

The most extreme thing is probably Phoebe pretending to be a cop after finding a lost badge. I’d hate to imagine her now, running in to parks to stop people sunbathing, snitching on people being visited by their mum, standing outside the supermarket measuring people’s distance.

The rest is split between Ross buying a sofa (anyone who’s even heard of Friends™ will know the word that comes to mind there…) and Joey realising he’s craving intimacy after dreaming he’s taken Chandler’s place in the relationship with Monica.

Hrrm, wonder which of those two I relate to more? Struggling to move furniture or dreaming about fancying your friends? Gosh, it’s amazing how much has changed in the last decade. Nowadays I hardly ever move furniture.

Of all the Friends™ memes, “PIVOT” is the one that’s entered everyday lexicon the most. Amongst my friends and family you can’t move ANYTHING without someone saying it. But I forgot how stupidly David Schwimmer actually says it. Seriously, watch it again, it’s quite the delivery! And now it’s stuck in our collective memory, like a sofa in a stairwell. Pretty impressive for one word said just seven times!!

I feel for Joey struggling to find love, but at least he can go out and look for it! Hitting on Rachel as his first port of call seems like a wasted opportunity.

Don’t worry Joey, I’m sure you’ll find someone. Just not Rachel. God, that would be stupid.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Part of our NCT’ing involves “child-proofing” the house.

This doesn’t mean, as I was hoping, finding ways to stop children getting in. “Quick, board up the catflap!” But rather, going round the house to identify, be aware of, and hopefully fix any way an idiotic child could harm themselves.

It seems we’ve got a long way to go in this respect. Idly cleaning my teeth on day gabillion of lockdown, I noticed a bottle of mouthwash on the side and thought I’d treat myself.

Failing to notice it wasn’t your regular bottle, but rather an old bottle of antiseptic mouthwash for the treatment of gum disease.

I have no idea how this even got in our house, but it seems Coronavirus isn’t the only thing that leaves people with no sense of taste.

Thankfully my wife is doing better, excluding the expected pregnancy pangs, and we’ve settled into life under lockdown.

I’m a little ashamed to say I am happier than I’ve ever been.

As our entire industry has been closed I’ve been furloughed by work. This unexpected boon, of a two month temporary retirement before my life of parenthood, has, at a stroke, removed all the things that irritate me from my life.  No commuting. No staring at a computer for eight hours (excluding video games). No thinking about the WENUS. Despite being, very literally trapped, these irritations have been replaced with a great sense of freedom. Freedom to not feel bad about putting off all the stupid little tasks, chores, and hobbies that have built up over the last decade.

I found a film on my laptop the other day which I’ve meant to watch since my last year of university!

I still haven’t watched it. But it’s nice to know I have the time.

I'm managing to tick some things off the list! Our babies room is finished (complete with curtain rail I drilled into the wall MYSELF), and we’re on top of washing for the first time since moving. I’m even reading a chapter of a book a day, occasionally lifting weights (and certainly eating enough for it to hopefully have an effect…) and, look at this, now I’m even back on track with Real Live Friends!

 “The One Where I Fiddle Whilst Rome Burns”

We may be gripped in the middle of baby fever, mercifully no longer an actual fever, but Monica really ISN’T. Despite Chandler’s assumptions.

He’s getting a bit scared of commitment now their relationship is all out in the open. Hey, Chandler, you may be committed but at least you still have other people you can talk to every now and then!

The secret being out gives us another glimpse of Red Ross after he catches them at it. Oh Ross, I feel the pain of someone you thought was a mate getting with your sister.

Incidentally, it’s a nice touch that Courteney Cox went to the effect of buttoning her shirt up incorrectly.

I think we’ve all done that. In the days when a shirt was something you’d bother to wear.

One of the two B-stories this week is a little hard to swallow, even this starved of entertainment. Joey’s got a new partner, who’s a little rough with her hands. And not in a good way.

It’s not so much this mildly abusive behaviour (if abusive behaviour can be mild…) being presented in a comic light I have a problem with, anything’s game for comedy if it’s done right.

It’s more how much of the humour arises from the other characters mocking Joey’s reaction to the situation. Maybe funny originally, but now it doesn’t really paint the characters in a good light. Their reaction is far removed from the usual high standard of friendship they exemplify.

Phoebe, too, isn’t being the best Friend this week, going to a party behind Ross’s back after he accidentally alienates the entire floor of his new flat.

Poor Ross, not making any new friends and sitting in his flat by himself. I wonder what that’s like?!

Even if some aspects of lockdown are hard, it’s brought some unexpected positives.

During my wife’s illness my dad began ringing every day to check in. I have no idea if this was off his own back, or at the behest of my mum, but once I got used to the strangeness it was quite nice. Really he’s a pretty great father, it’s a little cheesy but I know “he’ll be there for me” whenever I need him.

Even if our conversations were a little stilted, it’s a strange blessing that we spoke more in that week than we usually would in several months.

Another fun thing we’ve done is a live Friends™ Quiz on YouTube™.

Disappointingly, we didn’t do as well as I expected. But I think that’s understandable given I haven’t watched the second half the show since it first aired! And a lot of the early episodes are now several years in my past.

My wife consoled herself with another entry in her “Isolation Diary”.

 “Day 14:

My husband’s become completely obsessed with playing ‘Love Island: the Game’. Now imagine being quarantined in your house due to a global pandemic, which you currently have, and your husband is in the next room muttering about which boy to couple up with, and which girl is a complete bitch. I’m half expecting someone to jump out and say April Fools! But this really is life now. I thought it was just the virus & the baby I had to worry about, turns out my husband’s sexuality is also something of a concern.”

Don’t worry wife. It’s just a game. I’d never get fiction and reality mixed up!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We had a little chat with one of our neighbours on our walk the other day (at a distance). It can be summed up by the following.

Getting Coronavirus: concerning

Watching your pregnant wife go through it: deeply distressing

Having a lengthy discussion with your neighbour about the virus spreading on cats, where you find out he’s been secretly feeding your cat, and then telling him you’ve both had it:

Priceless.

That’ll teach the fucker.