Love is definitely in the air!

We’re about to head off on holiday, and weddings are looming large, with Ross Number 2’s proposal, Me Number 2’s upcoming wedding, and in the world of Friends™ itself.

Poor Rachel is playing second fiddle to Mindy as she attends her ex-fiancé and former best friends wedding.

It’s an awkwardness I don’t think I’d put myself through. But then, I haven’t had the option to run out on a wedding yet.

Elsewhere Joey struggles to convince the guys to let him practise kissing on them. An experience probably closer to my own life…

I find it pretty strange for Barry to be getting married in the same place again. And stranger still for Rachel to attend. Maybe there is something in the rumour of her insanity started by Barry’s parents?

Friends™ has a pretty strong record of “wedding” episodes, and this has to rank amongst the most awkward, with Ross’s impromptu speech failing to save the day, and Rachel resorting to reliving her most embarrassing memory to reclaim the moral victory. Let’s hope the next Friends™ wedding goes better. And the same goes for Me Number 2s wedding (#Season3Spoilers?)

But the REAL, elephant in the room, question here is…

Who the hell is Warren Beatty?!

 “The One Where I Google “Who the Hell is Warren Beatty?!””

Ah, he’s another one of those American Cultural icons I do not recognise. Apparently he’s not very good with envelopes or something?

Joey seems happy enough to be auditioning for him. But he just can’t get the kiss right! Fortunately, Phoebe’s on hand to help out. (After all she has kissed him before)

It’s pretty funny watching, terminal sex pest, Joey turn his attention to the guys of the group. And nice that Ross comes through for him in the end.

Even if their kiss isn’t quite as hot as that time Ross kissed Chandlers mum.

Chandler himself is running the risk of getting off with someone inappropriate by turning to the world of internet dating. Who would have thought Chandler would be ahead of his time!

Certainly not…

THIS WOMAN.

What a twist to end the episode. Who would have expected in an episode with a wedding, some lovely moments between Rachel and Ross, Monica and Richard, AND Joey trying to kiss EVERYONE. That the most passionate kiss would be between Chandler and Janice.

After last week’s disappointment this does feel much more like a season finale. I’ve talked before about the difficulty of emulating that in a blog, and I’m not even going to try to match up to this by squeezing in some sort of cliff-hanger based on my own life.

The return of Janice (OH. MY. GOD.) gives a hefty kick to the end of the episode. But where it really feels final(e) is in the Monica and Richard storyline.

Whilst babysitting Ben (last seen in June, great parenting there, Ross) Phoebe plants the seed of Monica asking Richard his thoughts on marriage. This leads Monica to go a bit too far (I mean, come on Mon, you’ve only been going out five months…) and ask Richard not just about marriage but also about children!

Sadly this leaves Monica and Richards’s relationship deader than Old Yeller himself (I should probably give that a watch, as I’ve never actually seen it.)

I have to admit I shed a little tear as Monica and Richard embraced on the dance floor one final time.

Oh yerh, by the way, we’ve bought a house.

The rush continues.

This house is too run down, this one is too far out, this one’s got a tree growing under it...

There was one really nice one. A beautiful, Grade II listed cottage in a lovely location. Even with a built in stair lift! (The agent informed me it would be removed before sale, but as far as I’m concerned a stair lift’s a selling point.)

It was completely us. But my heart sank as we made a tester journey to the station. I just know I’d be miserable spending three hours a day commuting. I’d like to stick with two, thank you very much.

It broke my heart to let my partner down in her giddy excitement. Her more local job renders her immune to the problem of being priced out of London.

I’m sure we’ll find somewhere!

 “The One Where Rachel and Ross get engaged (no not those ones)”

Even if my life isn’t necessarily matching up with Friends™ the lives of my Real Life Friends are syncing up nicely. Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2 have just bought a house. It’s like we’re all in some sort of giant game of mortgage dominoes.

They also used the opportunity of their house-warming to announce their engagement. (OK, so maybe we’re not all completely in sync.) They’re certainly beating Rachel and Ross themselves, by several years, so good on them!

At least Rachel and Ross have each other. Chandler and Joey are struggling over their “life failures” (with women and jobs respectively) and Phoebe too remains single. But it does help drive the plot lines. We have Chandler getting Joey a job (because after all, the only transferable skill you need for a job is being able to lie…) and an old flame of Phoebe returning.

No, not David the Science Guy, SUBMARINE GUY. Played by the blood of the tiger himself: Charlie Sheen. #Winning.

Maybe it’s because, when I first watched Friends™, I didn’t know who Sheen was but I can’t remember this character at all. Compared to previous guest characters his performance is rather lacklustre and forgettable. It seems the writer’s felt this too as he never comes back.

Even though him and Phoebe supposedly hook up every two years on his shore leave.

It could also be because a lot of his scenes are just plain weird. There’s a strange repeated joke of them not being able to keep their hands off each – because of their chicken pox. Perhaps it’s just me finding the juxtaposition of sex scene and infectious illness uncomfortable?

The whole episode feels quite silly really. Appropriately, it whizzes through the two weeks of Sheen’s shore leave - just like how my own life feels at the moment. But it’s almost like they got to the end of season 2 and just picked the scraps of their last few ideas before the season finale.

There’s also almost no Rachel or Ross at all. Although we do eventually have the pay-off of Ross dressing as a naval officer and sweeping Rachel off her feet. He looks more dapper than Sheen, if I may say so.

The main redeeming feature of the episode is Monica. Probably, for me, because her story deals more with relationships. (And I am, of course, still Monica Number 1). The pre-credits sequence has a lovely moment between her and Chandler. The classic scene of them licking things to claim them as their own:

It’s another one of those little moments which, in retrospect, hint at their relationship to come.

The scenes between her and Richard are no less sweet, as they get to know each other better. Surprisingly these confirm my position as a Monica. I’ve tried the trick of setting my clocks fast to stop me being late for everything too! And can also be pretty anal over the duvet covering the bed in the correct way. Although, in my case, it’s so the cats don’t get half the garden on our sheets.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

This has to be Ross Number 2’s proposal. The poor guy was just getting ready to go down on one knee, only for a bird with perfect aim to shit on him.

The only way it could be more perfect was if it had been a chicken.

BOOM.

What do you think?

The Friends™ gods demanded it and I obeyed.

I have to say I’m pretty happy with it, although it needs a little bit of work to finish the crocodiles head. For those who aren’t keyed up on niche Disney™ references it’s from their adaptation of Alice of Wonderland™.

Special thanks to Chris Done Tattoos who I think you’ll agree did an excellent job of recreating the scene on my pallid, flabby skin.

I went with Cannibal Boss to get it done, bravely going first and risking her pulling a Phoebe. But she went through with it too after I showed no pain. BUT MY GOD DID IT HURT. TWO FREAKING HOURS!!

Despite the pain of being continually stabbed, for the length of your average movie, it was quite relaxing. It was nice being able to lie on a sofa for a bit without having my partners legs on me.

My main problem was around the etiquette of whether it's OK to fart through-out the procedure. I mean, at any point during the procedure, not constantly through-out it. I’m not a monster. Cannibal Boss was impressed I put up with the pain but mostly I’m impressed I managed to only fart twice in two hours.

We were paying by the hour so I wanted as few breaks as possible…

“The One Where I’m House Hunting”

Branding myself for life due to a 90s sitcom doesn’t seem a huge deal, in the grand scheme of things, as we’ve taken the plunge and started house hunting.

This has only been made possible by a combo of the weak pound increasing my inheritance from Grandpa and stagnating property prices. Thank you, Brexit! Paradoxically, whilst poorer leave voting rural areas suffer from losing their farming subsidies, better off - urbanite - remainers benefit.

It’s a topsy turvy world. Lewis Carroll would approve.

I hope I don’t sound smug. I only have sympathy for people, less well off than myself, who will suffer the most because we were lied to. Still no sign of that 350million for the NHS?

Perhaps my privilege is shown most by me having to look up Neil Sedaka, and Jack and Chrissy but knowing who Bishop Tutu is? Quite an unusual selection of cultural references to have in one episode! The internet™ informs me that Jack and Chrissy are from an early 80s farcical American sitcom. It’s a neat way of lamp-shading the classic feel of farce about T.O.W.T.P.

Having the Friends™ host two parties to keep Rachel’s parents apart is a great idea and a fun way to show the fallout from a parents’ divorce later in life. It also gives us our first appearance of Rachel’s dad (and a few great Gunther moments to boot). The, slightly terrifying, Ron Leibman is impressive as Dr. Leonard Green, somehow managing to make even such an unlikeable character comical.

This all culminates in Joey kissing Rachels mother (it’s like him and Ross are having some sort of competition – though, surprisingly, there was more passion between Ross and Chandlers mother).

I find it weird how awkward Joey is with people he’s slept with. Going so far as to ban them from the party guest-list. We never had problems remaining civil over such things in my early twenties. Maybe he’s just an asshole about it?

If you ask me Rachel’s mum dodged a bullet there...

What I find really strange though is that T.O.W.T.P. moves forward with the divorce story in the same week I’ve discovered one of my Real Live Friends is a divorcee. And they didn’t even see fit to mention it until 6 months after the fact!

It’s probably the most dramatic story I’ve heard, up there with the Mindy/Barry/Rachel triangle.

The poor guy was dumped, with little to no explanation, until one day his mother went to collect some things from the house – only to find his brother-in-law stepping out of the shower! Two marriages destroyed with one betrayal, I feel terrible for him and his sister. Still he seemed OK when I noticed his lack of ring and it finally came up. We both ended up laughing in incredulity at it all. It is true what they say: Tragedy + Time = Comedy.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

For my own Real Live Sitcom Moment it has to be a recent cycling crash. I was unable to break in time as a car in front turned left. Miraculously I managed to hit the side and roll off onto the pavement, somehow, completely unscathed.

It seems appropriate, given how I am suddenly hurtling through life – first tattoo AND house hunting – that I have now essentially become the dog that ran into my car almost two years ago!

Perhaps my seven foot tall Real Live Friend should be Phoebe’s dad instead? Who, as we find out this week, LOVES STILTS.

Unfortunately that’s all Phoebe finds out about him. She’s finally plucked up the courage to try and see him again, only to find he’s been absent for 4 years. But leaving behind a half-brother for her!

Lucky Phoebe, I’ve always wanted a brother, and with Giovanni Ribisi making his second appearance they hit it off instantly.

“The One Where I Decide to Make My Own Real Live Sitcom Moment”

There’s a real feel that the writers have realised they’re approaching the end of season two, and decided to start tying up some plot threads. As well as setting some up for the future. Along with the return of Phoebe’s daddy issues we get some resolution for Monica’s job hunt as she takes a crappy job in a 50s themed diner. Flame retardant boobs and all! Still it beats her brief flirtation with a gambling addiction (well, buying stocks and bonds…)

This all leaves Chandler and Ross with little to do but sip coffee. Not an easy task when you’re beset upon by hat stealing bullies.

I’m definitely more on the Chandler and Ross side of the bully/nerd spectrum here. Like Ross I’ve barely ever been in a fight. The one time I have been beaten up (as they astutely state, there’s always one time…) I was too busy trying to stop my glasses getting smashed to fight back. You wouldn’t see that in a Specsavers™ advert.

Chandler and Ross may be struggling with somewhere safe to go but Joey, Phoebe and Rachel have the opposite problem after getting trapped in a taxi by a dog.

Yes. HAHA, just like happened to me recently. I’m still too sore about that to enjoy the coincidence.

With Phoebe’s missing father, absent family members seem to be weighing heavily on the Friends™.

It’s a thought that’s weighing heavily on me too. Almost as I type, my Grandpa is being laid to rest on the other side of the world. He died peacefully over the weekend at the age of 96. Quite the achievement when you consider he was given 6 months to live after escaping the Siege of Malta during the war.

He escaped a little too effectively though, and ended up in Australia after the war, rendering him absent for us long before his final escape.

My memories of the few times we met are filled with joy. But my own absence at his funeral, caused by location and timing, afford me none of the catharsis of the mourning process, as so beautifully portrayed back in season one.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

It seems there’s been a lot of dog related violence lately (I really should get round to watching Old Yeller) and this week Phoebe even runs over a dog. Given my past history of dogs running into my car I think that clinches it.

I AM PHOEBE.

And yet I have no Real Live Sitcom Moment… How can I become even more like Phoebe? What has she done recently?

I’ve got it! I’m going to get a tattoo.

I am definitely Crazy Eddie.

Or at least feel like it, as I sit here watching my flatmates sleep. I mean… Ok they are cats.

But what are we to do?

Just like Crazy Eddie the threat of impending homelessness now hangs over our heads!

Our landlord came round the other day. Announcing his intention to build TWO more flats in our garden. And to split our ALREADY TINY living room in two for an access corridor. This has put paid to any hopes of me stopping drinking again. My own uncertainty now mirrors that of the rest of the country in our post-election haze.

You’d think I’d have more empathy with the slugs here, given they’re essentially homeless snails.

How will they cope with being DOUBLY homeless?

“The One With the Polish Wedding”

At least I can rely on my friends. Both Real and televisual.

I’ve been seeing quite a lot of them lately. My best mate and I went to watch Jousting a week back (4 Stars). It was essentially a toned down family event, but mighty impressive seeing them charge at each other in the sweltering heat! I can’t imagine the Friends™ doing that. Well maybe Ross would be into historical re-enactment…

We also went to a wedding in Poland. As you’d expect a suitably vodka infused affair. Apparently my partner took me to bed after finding me at 1am, sat by myself at a table in the corner, eating ham.

Just like baby Ben, I seemed to have no ability to speak by that point. I wish I had spoken to more people in general. I often find now you only end up speaking to people you already know on nights out. It’s been said before (though not by me, I can’t seem to find where) that the Friends™ are hugely insular and co-dependent. It’s even suggested this is part of the reason they live in perpetual single-dom.

The show itself points this out several times. Chandler and Joey refuse to even contemplate seeing Richard as a friend. And that’s not even mentioning poor Julie…

This holds weight in my Real Live Friend group too. It can be daunting for new partners to work their way in. Although we largely failed to break out of our group at the wedding, it offered a welcome opportunity for my partner to spend more quality time with my Real Live Friends. Thankfully no one excluded her and we all left bonded closer than ever! (In one case, literally bonded by law).

Love is a beautiful thing. Whether the love of friendship, matrimony, or new love – as Rachel and Ross declare their love of each other for the first time. This fits nicely with the plot of Bens first word. I’m not sure I would count “Hi”, much like Gunthers “Yeah”, it doesn’t seem right. Given that my own first word was “Moo” I suppose I’ll have to allow it.

There’s an extra layer of amusement with Ross’s talk of babies as he imagines “Emily” as his first child with Rachel. Pretty awkward given a certain wedding yet to come… (#Spoilers?)

It is very sweet though, given that they do eventually end up having a daughter called Emma.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

The wedding wasn’t all plane sailing (pun intended). Two of my Real Live Friends managed to get the wrong day for their flight!

The couple, fortunately, made it in the end. Just in time for one of them to catch the bouquet! From the look of the guy I suspect he would have preferred to have caught the plane.

Just like Rachel I think he was a little freaked out seeing his future suddenly laid out ahead of him.

And for that I dub him officially “Rachel Number 2”. Which is a little strange when you consider he’s about 7 feet tall…

The sit-com of life continues.

After painstakingly organising my birthday gathering in a pub, it was cancelled at the last minute. An unfortunate side effect of booking it for two days after the FA cup final... And just as I was finally coming round to the idea of not hating Football.

WHAT KIND OF PUB RUNS OUT OF BEER?!

I can’t imagine Central Perk ever running out of covfefe…

 “The One Where My Birthday Gets Cancelled”

It wasn’t the end of the world, as some of us managed to go out last night instead, with the exception of my David the Science Guy. He gave quite possibly the worst excuse of all time “I’m doing some DIY and it’s overrun”. He could have had the good grace to say he had to go work in Minsk.

It’s fair enough, I suppose; house work must be done. Otherwise you end up like my other Real Live Friends, who’ve been living in a house with no kitchen for ten months! Which could almost be a sit-com in itself.

Alas no such events in Friends™. It really is doing a terrible job of matching my life at the moment.

Despite this, I am grateful my partner hasn’t got a book telling her I’m “stealing her wind”. I’d be livid if I showed up for a cinema date, only for her to garble some nonsense about a book then tell me she needed some time to herself and cancelled. I’m surprised Ross takes it so well, I can’t imagine it going down like that if it was the other way round…

But at least it means Ross gets to spend some quality time with Joey, who is struggling to afford his lifestyle, now he is no longer Dr Drake Ramoray.

You really feel sorry for Joey as he comes to term with his fading star. But this does give us two good things, another visit to Estelle and Gunthers first proper line!

(Officially he did say “Yeah” in the first episode he was named in but I’m not going to count that).

It’s super sweet seeing Ross help Joey out with his money troubles. What a great Friend! (Unlike SOME people).

Missing Real Live Friends aside, I should just be glad I don’t have a Crazy Eddie in my life. He descends fully into insanity in this, the final part of his storyline. As with Joey’s storyline, the Friends’ misery is our gain.

It’s impossible not to laugh as he watches Chandler sleep, stuffs a goldfish in his pocket, and then forgets Chandler kicked him out. Fortunately, I’m allowed to watch my flatmate sleep. (On account of of us sleeping together.)

By the end I felt kind of sorry for Crazy Eddie. Still Chandler and Joey’s joy at being reunited makes it seem fine they just tricked an insane person into homelessness.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Following my last minute celebrations last night I woke up to find an unexplained mass of salt all over the kitchen.

I asked my partner why there’s salt everywhere and she patiently explained: I spread it all over in an irritated drunken stupor when we came home to countless slugs on the side.

Oh God. Maybe I’m Crazy Eddie…

The disappointment continues…

No hot older man, no crazy flat-mate, no starring in a day-time hospital TV drama.

You ever feel like life isn’t turning out how you expected?

“The One Where I Forget Where I Live”

If writers were writing my life, as they write Dr Drake Ramorays, I feel like something BIG would have happened by now. Your twenties can often feel like that. Being perpetually stuck in the first twenty minutes of a film. Awaiting the train crash of the first act, which determines what your life will be:

Comedy, Tragedy, Romance… History?

And then you find plays and films are the exception not the rule. For all their caricatures, overly stylised witty banter, and forced situations – it’s the sitcoms that are really close to life. Tiny problems writ large over a backdrop of gradual change. Day to day living lightened by moments of humour with friends. Truly, these are the Days of Our Lives…

But if that’s so HOW CAN FRIENDS™ NOT BE MATCHING MY LIFE?! It feels like ages since we’ve had one of those glorious coincidences that make this project feel worthwhile.

But, alas, I have no control. Unlike the Days of Our Lives writers, I am unable to manufacture the high drama of a hidden half-sibling, or to drop my Real Live Friends down a lift-shaft as revenge for them insulting me.

Poor Joey, losing his success so soon, although I felt more sorry for Eddie, clearly hurt by his recent break-up, as his ex comes round to return his fish tank to Chandler.

Eddie: “You had sex with her didn’t you?”

Oh wait, no he is crazy…

Adam Goldberg (previously of Saving Private Ryan™) does a wonderful job with Intense Eddie, making him one of the most memorable minor Friends™ characters. I wondered what he’d been up to since and was surprised to find he played a different (though no less intense) character in Joey™.

How’s that for a bit of Friends™ trivia?!

We’ll have to see if I feel up for watching Joey™ seven and a half years from now…

Joey is, of course, the most promiscuous friend, but T.O.W.D.R.D. also hints at Monica’s promiscuity. She’s not the only one shocked to find Richard’s only been with two people. That is pretty tragic Richard…

My partner and I had a similar conversation about who we’d slept with at the start of our relationship. Fortunately we’re about the same. Number, I mean. Not the same people.

Maybe if Richard had had sex with more than two women he’d have the savvy to bring his own protection? They declare their love for each other (aw) and Monica heads to the bathroom for a condom (ew). Only to find Rachel in a similar predicament – and only one condom.

If you were in the mood, wouldn’t finding out your friend was about to have sex with your brother ruin it somewhat?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My best mate just came round to watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens™ (4 Stars).
It’s been so long since anyone’s been to mine I forgot my house number and gave him the wrong one!

In a sitcom this could have been a whole episode. Him getting lost and meeting wacky characters (our neighbours are definitely pretty wacky…) but instead the problem was quickly fixed thanks to our phones.

I’ve noticed before how smart-phones interfere with sit-com plots.

It must be impossible being a modern day sit-com writer!

I’ve been liberated at last!

Well, obviously I haven’t spent two weeks trapped in a study… Although it feels a bit like it.

Remember I started drinking again on St Patricks day? I haven’t really stopped since. With our surprise General Election looming, I’ve decided I may as well just see how bad things can get. I'm feeling a bit muddle but it has been fun drinking with Real Live Friends again. From what I can remember…

With that in mind, I don’t really feel like much has happened so it might be a bit of a struggle writing this week.

Appropriately though I do feel like one smelly cat…

“The One Where The Premise Starts to Fall Apart”

And so we kick off with Phoebe’s incredible Smelly Cat video.

They did a great job of capturing the cheesy vibe of low budget music videos with this. And Lisa Kudrow looks every inch the pop star. It’s a reminder she’s probably the most versatile actor of the cast. Certainly the one least similar to their character in real life.

Aside from this, the Friends™ are mostly dealing with the troubles of roommates at the moment. Or a lack of them, as Chandler and Joey continue their longing glances. This time their story-line does end up firmly with them being like a couple. Chandler even hits the rebound with new flatmate Eddie.

We’re constantly connected. And you have to wonder if Joey and Chandler would have felt quite so lonely, with no idea how to spend their new free time, without the internet.

Monica and Ross have the opposite problem, as Rachel and Ross’s relationship forces them to spend more time together. Having siblings in the cast was a smart move. It adds a new dimension to the Friends™ as well as a bit more weight. It’s sad seeing Ross realising Monica doesn’t feel the joy he does at their little spats.

We learn how to act domestically as children, so it’s no surprise that how we interact with our siblings influences it. And that we can revert to these silly little games all so easily.

My partner told me I act exactly like Ross here when I’m in an immature mood. But all I heard was “Nyeh, Nyeh NNeh”.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

… nope, I’ve got nothing. Dammit, something must have happened?! How can my life not be matching up to Friends?!?! ™

I think I hate dogs.

Not the most pleasant realisation (I care a great deal for animals), but I do, I think I hate dogs.

I’ve always been pretty ambivalent to them. We had a lot of love for our family dog but were hardly the most “doggy” family. Growing up in the age of the screen we often gave him the minimum required attention.

Mostly, I just really hate barking. Maybe because I’m hung-over so often… but it really splits my skull.

And makes me jump if it’s a surprise.

“The One Where I’m A Small Man in a Box”

Everything has changed in the world of Friends™. Monica and Richard are loved up. Rachel and Ross are loved up. The Gellar parents are loved up (EW).

And so we get the wonderful comedy of errors that is Monica’s dad’s birthday party. With Monica struggling to tell her parents of her new relationship status. “It’s Complicated” doesn’t quite do it justice.

But at least we are entertained… Unlike Monica, who is comically forced (once again) to see a little too much of her parents relationship as she and Richard attempt to maintain their secret.

The only couple not having a good time are Chandler and Joey. Joey’s success on Days of Our Lives™ gives him the opportunity to get his own place, much to Chandler’s dismay. When I saw the title I thought there’d be a lot more of the “HA HA THEY’RE LIKE A COUPLE” jokes in this episode. But actually it’s pitched perfectly.

Joey: “I’m 28 years old and I’ve never lived alone”

With Joeys desire to live alone for the first time, Chandler’s annoyance at Joeys habits, and their underlying feeling of loss, this episode delves deep into the two characters. The two Matts do a great job of selling the Bromance, and the complexity of communal living. It’s hard not to be sad and think back on all the housemates I’ve had.

I too (as I approach twenty eight) have never lived alone. There was nothing I wanted more after university. The allure of 100% independence was strong. And yet by the time I was, finally, financially able to move back out of my parents I had a new partner to live with. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for us to split as Chandler and Joey do. It certainly couldn’t be fixed by a game of foosball.

Once again my Real Live Friends are out of sync with Friends™. I wish they’d get a better handle on their lives! Just as Joey moves out my Rachel Number One and Ross Number Two have gone and got their own place! Useless.

I found it weird seeing all the Friends™ helping Joey move out. Apart from maybe when I’ve moved house with other people, I don’t think I’ve ever helped any of my Real Live Friends move. I suppose it’s the difference between moving alone and moving as part of a couple. My Real Live Friends getting their own places don’t need my help as they have their partners. Not that I’m complaining, I don’t have to do any of the heavy lifting but still get the housewarming party? Sounds great!

Mortgages are a big commitment and another lifelong commitment I haven’t taken the plunge with yet is a tattoo.

I have nothing against tattoos in principle. I could just never settle on one I wanted. I’ve had many ideas, some good some bad: a wrist watch, a Legend of Zelda™ heart for everyone I’ve ever loved, a wedding ring (it's cheaper). OK, mostly bad. Perhaps it’s for the best…

The only tattoos I don’t like are those that people just got for the sake of it, with no story or meaning behind it. I can almost see Ross’s point in not wanting Rachel to get one, seeing as she just gets a crappy little heart. My partner’s got a tattoo, which is super weird given she’s terrified of needles. But I wouldn’t have dreamt of suggesting she not get one, as Ross does.

It all turns out fine in the end, of course, with Ross being rather taken by Rachel’s tattoo.

There you go, if you’ve got a domineering boyfriend who doesn’t want you to get a tattoo just get it above your arse and he’ll think it’s sexy.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Dogs. Why’d it have to be dogs…

This has been a bit of an unusual RLF. Written from the perspective of a man trapped in a box.

I went round to my parents to use their hyper-fast broadband, only to find my mother has “accidentally” adopted another dog… This time taken off our “allergic” aunts hands.

Unfortunately, it’s not the friendliest beast. And I’ve spent the last hour trapped in the study with it barking at the door. Hopefully my mother will be back soon…

Tom Selleck.

Phwoar.

A man so suave he can make Hawaiian shirts AND a moustache look cool.

A man fancied by mothers and daughters alike (according to my partner…)

You really need someone of his calibre to pull off the slightly weird storyline of Richard and Monica. But, boy, does it work!

Right from the off, there’s a wonderful chemistry between Courtney Cox and everyone’s favourite G-DILF.

I wish I had a hot older man in my life…

“The One Where I Fall Out of the Loop”

Monica isn’t the only one getting lucky now, as we pick up right where we left off. A newly smitten Rachel and Ross. Why is it that we always say “Ross and Rachel”? Even in the title of this episode… surely it should be alphabetical?

Even though my Real Live Friends have loads of couples that started as friends (Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2, Cannibal Boss and Other Boss, Joey Number 1 and Chandler Number 2) I don’t think any of them were ever as visibly affectionate at the start as Rachel and Ross. Maybe we’re all just repressed Brits? Or maybe it’s because a lot of the hook ups started more privately? More like Monica and Chandler’s later relationship? I don’t know, but I certainly would have noticed if any of them had started smooching when I was trying to watch TV.

Or maybe not, given my recent skills of observation. I’m sad to report that Joey Number 1 and Chandler Number 2 have called it a day. Six weeks ago. Why does no-one tell me anything? I’m tremendously sad about the whole thing. There was something very neat about two of the last single people getting together. Honestly, it’s like they only care about themselves…

I’m also pretty annoyed about how long it’s taken me to find out. A timely reminder that I should be making more of an effort to see my Real Live Friends. That is after all part of the point of this silly project! It makes me feel doubly sad being reminded of what a crap friend I can be, for something like this to have passed by without me knowing. I just hope they’re not too upset, and can be happy knowing that, like their Friends™ characters, they’re better off as flatmates.

With Rachel and Ross getting together but Chandler Number 2 and Joey Number 1 splitting it looks like Friends™ and real life have got pretty out of sync here. Unless they’ve secretly got back together, in which case I’d definitely have to change them to Rachel and Ross Number 3. I’ll probably find out six months from now…

Speaking of Ross and the number 3, congrats to him on finally sealing the deal with Rachel and adding another “notch to his bed post”! And in a museum no less. I used to work in a museum too. Wish I’d managed to do it in there…

I’m definitely seeing more similarities with me and Ross as the series goes on. Not just in the museum job. (Wait, not that type of job…)

With my long-term crush on my current partner I can relate to his frustrated “this is a thing I’ve been wanting since 9th grade”, although mercifully the first time we got together there wasn’t any laughter. Although I did follow it up with “wow, twelve years gone in twelve seconds…”

This wasn’t the first time I made a lame joke after sex. Weirdly that was with my own third sexual partner, ten years ahead of Ross. We sadly aren’t in contact anymore, but they were a good friend for many years, and, with hindsight I suppose, one of the other potential lobsters I spoke about last time.

After we got together I revealed it was only the fifth time I’d had sex. She asked me how it was. My reply: “easily in the top five.”

Perhaps I’m still Chandler after all…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A Real Live Friend at work just went on a long holiday to America. Where they, no doubt, hoped their charming British accent would be a hit with the ladies, a la Kris Marshall in Love, Actually™.

They came back having had no such success, after spending a whole evening speaking with some beautiful young women only to find they were wearing purity rings.