Torn To Ribbons
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9.22 - “The One Where I Watch The One With the Donor”

22/9/2024

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Chandler’s been taking “joking through the pain” a little too far following his and Monica’s disappointing news (he’s got immobile sperm, she’s got an inhospitable womb, let’s call the whole thing off…)

They’ve bounced back pretty quick, and immediately started looking at other options. Why not? No time like the present. 

Their options are: Surrogacy or Donor. Which is best? There’s only one way to find out… FIGHT!!

Once they let me back in the room, we continued the discussion. Seems to me that, either way, one of them gets the short straw. With surrogacy, Monica misses out on the “experience” of pregnancy. With a donor Chandler has to grapple with the knowledge the child isn’t, technically, his. 

This is one of those things where, before going through it, I would’ve written off Chandler’s worries. Surely it doesn’t matter? And on the grand scheme of things,  it doesn’t. But I now know how little control over your thoughts you have once you become a parent. And I’m not sure I’d like to go through sleep deprivation again with further complications for the thoughts in my head to latch onto.

Also, having seen what the “experience” of pregnancy actually entails, I’m not sure I’d say Monica is missing out. But I understand the drive. 

So they start looking for a donor. Sadly, I’m no longer able to fill that requirement. 

I sometimes think I missed my calling there, given how lucky we were to conceive so quickly. Annoyingly, having a vasectomy doesn’t seem to stop you getting targeted ads for sperm donation. No matter how many times I shout about the vasectomy into my phone. So I’m constantly having it rubbed in that I can no longer do the only thing I’ve ever exhibited a natural talent in. 

Like Joey, I did offer to help when some of our friends were having difficulty, but my wife shot that down. She ruins all the fun.

And so, it’s onto other options. Chandler invites a colleague “Zack” round for dinner, and they scope him out like a pair of serial killers. Errm excuse me? What about Gunther?? He’s right there.

They ask him a host of inappropriate questions, including if his family has a history of mental illness.

Hrrm, maybe it’s good I never donated.

The world is crazy enough as it is.

In the end they decide to adopt, and imagine themselves going straight to baby. Which… seems unlikely? I’m pretty sure that’s the rarest kind of adoptee you can find. 

Sorry. I shouldn’t be talking about orphans like they’re Pokemon™. 

“The One Where I Talk About My Sperm”

I have to confess I got a little confused this week when Phoebe said she was hung up on someone. It took me a while to remember she’s no longer with Paul Rudd. Can’t quite believe that was four months ago. Yet here we are.

He’s going to be at a party she’s going to. Rachel, once she puts down her copy of Cosmo™, agrees to take her and Charlie out clothes shopping. Am I missing out on clothes shopping? It seems like a fun thing to do with the guys, having a nice chat, refreshing your wardrobe, yet I’ve never done it.


Guess we’re too busy getting our junk out in saunas.

This leaves Rachel in the unenviable position of having to take the woman who’s stealing BOTH her men shopping. She, somehow, forgets they’re in the same shop and confesses to Phoebe about Joey and… oh, what a surprise, Charlie hears. Who would have thought.

At least I’m managing to keep up with Rachel’s tangled web of love? I think I can be forgiven for forgetting about Rudd. I’ve been super busy since then, balancing my multiple projects. On that front there’s a bit of exciting news. Ross may be about to take the guys to a convention in Barbados. Well I’m about to take a trip to New York!

I can’t say too much at this point, but will hopefully be able to fill you in on some details soon. It’s going to be great going back, though a little sad to do it without  my wife this time. I worry if it wont have the sheen of before? But I’m excited to go and see what comes of it.

Hopefully my Friends actually make it to Barbados. Ross hasn’t confirmed his position yet, first he’s got to convince his boss, who’s fallen asleep in the interview. I don’t really see the problem here. Ross should just wake him up, and he’d be so embarrassed he’d give him the position, surely?

It’s not unlike the time earlier in the summer when a man was falling asleep during one of my gigs. I had to stop to check he wasn’t dead! No, just up past his bedtime and bored of the show. Perhaps less insulting if he was dead.

And it’s nearly my bedtime too, so let's briefly go back to Phoebe. In the end she ditched the party. But for a very exciting reason! She ran into David the Science Guy again! He’s back from Minsk, after finally proving it was impossible to do the thing he wanted to do. Hah. Classic physicist…

But he’s seeing someone… Oh no, wait, he’s lying. Get in. Maybe this is it? The timing’s finally right at last!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A while back I had some fun pretending my daughter was giving me a haircut.

A few days ago, my wife ran downstairs brandishing a lock of hair.

“She’s given him a haircut!” she shouted. Oh crap.
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It turned out my attempts to indulge in a bit of make believe had had real life consequences. She’d gone into the drawer, taken out a pair of scissors, and properly cut chunks out of his hair!

All I can say is it’s a good job she couldn’t reach my electric shaver. Or we might have ended up with a toddler with a skinhead. 
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Hang on, that’s not a bad idea for Halloween…​
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9.21 - “The One Where I Watch The One With the Fertility Test”

15/9/2024

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Feels like it was only yesterday Charlie was kissing Joey on the roof, to both Rachel and Ross’s disappointment.

Shouldn’t they be more preoccupied with the needs of their, not even, 1 year old baby?

While they’re left nursing their broken libidos (like all new parents…), Charlie is suggesting some incredible dates to Joey; as they struggle to find common ground. Going to see the Kronos Quartet, going to the Met. Oh my god I’d love any of these things! What the hell is wrong with Joey.

AND I love dinosaurs. Hrrm. Maybe I’M the one who should be with Charlie?

Genuinely, I do really rate the Kronos Quartet, and my wife and I checked out the Met when we went to New York. All those years ago... I can’t even remember the last time we enjoyed an art gallery. Though, to be fair, I’m not sure my wife enjoyed me dragging her round one the last time.

I’ll have to try and sort out a date once I’ve got this podcast off the ground. Provided we can get childcare… Rachel and Ross certainly seem to find that easier than us.

In the end Joey gets Ross to perfectly plan a date for Charlie. Even memorising cue cards so he can pretend he knows things about Monet. I don’t know much about Monet but heard his Michael Caine was fantastic. (Cause he was an Impressionist… Get it? Oh, nevermind.)

Joey is now SO dumb (because of the secret alcoholism) that he mucks it up by getting left and right confused. Difficulty in this area is more common than you’d think. My Ross Number One went as far as to get them tattooed on each wrist. 

To which, our, natural, response was “why not just do one wrist?”

“The One Where Ross Tells Charlie to Give Joey a Chance”

Elsewhere Phoebe had a go at Rachel for wanting to go to a corporate masseuse. Before it turned out, the real reason was she secretly worked there. God. Next I’ll be finding out she’s secretly super smart!

Think I might take a leaf out of Phoebe’s book and start telling my mates to stop going to see TV comedians. Come to my shows instead dammit! I’ll even throw in a massage…

It didn’t take long for Rachel to rumble Phoebe, after accidentally booking her as her masseuse. Phoebe tried to cover it up by pretending to be Swedish. But with a name like “Ikea” her plan fell through quicker than a poorly assembled piece of flat pack furniture.

This led to a heart to heart between them, with Phoebe revealing she hates the job, and Rachel trying to convince her to quit. Do it! One. of. us. One. of. us. 

I’m not sure Rachel can talk in this area. She didn’t even  leave her job after awkwardly shagging her assistant. (Or more recently, Gavin.) The only thing she’s quit is her wedding. 
It’s been a struggle managing my performing alongside the writing gig whilst trying to get the podcast set-up. But absolutely worth the jump! I’ve had a few creative blocks. But found, once I put some old material to bed, I’ve suddenly been more inspired again. And my wife's support, as always, has made a huge difference.

One of the hard parts is knowing what to share, and what to keep hidden. Something Monica and Chandler apparently don’t struggle with, after telling me he once jacked off in a parked car behind a Wendys™. Apparently even JANICE KNOWS!
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(Good to see her again, even if all she does is joke about giving Chandler a handy.)

I think they’re just feeling anxious because they’re heading to the fertility clinic. 

In my own little world, I hardly noticed how long they’ve been trying. It’s one of those things people don’t really talk about enough. And they’re clearly a little worried. But Chandler’s doing his usual thing of covering it up with jokes. They’re very lucky to have each other.

Unless he genuinely IS worried about being filmed doing his sample. Monica is incredulous: “who’d want to watch that?!” But, to be fair, it is now pretty common for hackers to blackmail people over this sort of thing! 

I hope things turn out OK for them. And not just when it comes to wanking in public.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Our youngest is, somehow, starting pre-school. Or so we thought. We took him down for his first day, and he was very excited to finally be going and seeing what his sister’s been up to all this time.

He’s quite the charmer, but also still very little for his age, and one of the teachers at the gate asked him “and where are you going?” presumably expecting an excited “school!” response. Instead he came back with the full withering sentence “err, I’m going to preschool”. As if she was an idiot.

But it turned out we were the idiots, after we got there and found it didn’t start till next week!

I can still hear the screams as we dragged him away in tears. I’m sorry baby, don’t worry, before long you’ll be wishing you didn’t have to go at all.
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9.20 - “The One Where I Watch The One With the Soap Opera Party”

1/9/2024

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Sorry it’s been a while, I’ve been at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival! Chasing my dreams as a performer. In the hope of getting enough of a career in that area to replace my old job.

Fittingly, Joey’s hosting a big event for all of his soap opera friends. He’s tricked the others into seeing a god awful, one-woman play so he can have the run of the apartment block.
 

Key line: “Chapter 1: MY FIRST PERIOD”.

This is one of the few lines my wife and I regularly quote at each other, since before I even started following my Friends™. As we’ve both always had a side hustle in performing (I know, typical millennials…) we’re more than familiar with the “one-woman show” genre. But I’m not sure, post Fleabag™, it’s quite the punchline it used to be. 

I must confess I’m a little partial to the genre. Though was much too busy at this years festival to catch any. It seems my efforts have paid off! I’d rather be seen dead than attend one of the Edinburgh parties typical of the one hosted by Joey. But I was able to ingratiate myself enough that I’ve been offered a bit of money to start a podcast! Based on this very venture!! It turns out my AI stunt caught the attention of just the right people at the right time.

Along with the freelance writing gig I secured before heading up to the fest (plus the odd live performance), I think I’ll be making just enough to scrape by! Typical, you wait ages then two gigs come along at once!

The irony is not lost on me that I’m now moving into the career of Alternate Universe Chandler…

Don’t worry though. This won’t be turning into YET another, multiverse piece. That genre’s even more played out than the One-Woman Show.

“The One Where I’m Back in Gainful Employment”

Ross is supposed to be showing some new Professors round town and, what do you know, one of them’s hot!
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Introducing Professor Wheeler! (No, not that one). Once they get around Gunther denying all knowledge of Ross they get on like a Paleontologist and a tweed jacket. Also not sure I can really blame Gunther for denying he knows Ross at this point? There’s a fifty fifty chance I’d disown him if someone asked. And I’ve known him even longer than Gunther!

Ross and Wheeler decide to ditch their new elder colleague (harsh). And for some reason head to Monica’s flat? What is going on.

Also, everyone’s being SO rude this week. Ross and Rachel talk as if Wheeler can’t hear them. Chandler talks during the one woman show. Oh. I should say, he’s the only one who went in the end. The others got wind of Joey’s party and went to that instead. Chandler gets his “revenge” by buying three more tickets to trick Monica and Phoebe into watching the show then runs out. Again, rude.


But TBH, I’d have loved it if the people who hated MY Edinburgh show had then gone on to buy three more tickets.


It’s all kicking off at the party. Rachel’s collecting LOADS of actors phone numbers, despite now wanting to sleep with Joey after their recent roleplay… Monica’s even getting the actors to sign her tits! OK. Now I can see why Chandler might have wanted a bit of petty revenge.


But hang on, both Rachel AND Ross are at the party (with Wheeler). Are we already forgetting about their baby?


Ross is feeling insecure with Wheeler, as he finds out she only dates geniuses. If only I weren’t married… Ah, nevermind, she’d only run off with my David the Science Guy anyway.

It’s a little dumb that Ross’s immediate response to Wheeler telling him the last guy she dated was insecure, is to run off and complain about feeling inadequate compared to all the people with Nobel Prizes she used to date. Mate... She literally TOLD you that was the problem last time.

Phoebe gives him a decent pep talk. But in the end it doesn’t matter as Ross and Rachel (on the way to kiss Joey!) then stumble upon Joey kissing Wheeler!!


What the hell?! I don’t think I’ve been to a party this dramatic since my twenties. Are there no people Ross fancies who Joey won’t, ruthlessly, try and sleep with??


Real Live Sitcom Moment:


We had a little party earlier in the summer and one of my old Bosses showed up and immediately began espousing the joys of his new “Manbag”.


​Honestly, I’m not sure if these things are genuinely happening or if my mates are just trolling me at this point.
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    One mans quest to watch all of the classic 90s sit-com Friends™ in real time over ten years.

    Mostly updated every other Sunday.

    The one where it all began

    The latest one.

    In a rush to catch up? The start of Season Four is a great dropping in point. Or Season Six if you're more pressed for time.

    The One Where You Donate to Share the Friends™ Love

    Episodes

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    Episode 9.1
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    Episode 9.2
    Episode 9.3
    ​Episode 9.4
    ​Episode 9.5
    ​Episode 9.6
    Episode 9.7
    Episode 9.8
    ​Episode 9.9
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    ​Episode 9.11
    ​Episode 9.12
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    Episode 9.13
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    Episode 9.14
    ​Episode 9.15
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    Episode 9.16
    Episode 9.17
    ​Episode 9.18
    ​Episode 9.19
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    Episode 9.20
    ​Episode 9.21
    ​Episode 9.22
    ​Episode 9.23
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