And we’re back like Phoebe’s triplets!

Strangely this is only their second of three appearances. You’d think they’d play a bigger part in the show. But this is FRIENDS™ not PARENTS™ so I suppose it’s to be expected.

Maybe it’s because the writers struggled to keep track of their age? By my reckoning they should be over a year old at this point, yet look about the same age as my five month old.

She’s similarly mobile, (my baby, not Phoebe) having developed a bizarre ability to crawl on her back using her head as an extra limb. Imagine a cross between a caterpillar and the girl from The Exorcist™.

It’s made it especially important to try and keep things clean, and simultaneously a lot harder to keep things clean. I can completely empathise with the state of Monica’s flat after Phoebe babysits the triplets.

It’s some measure of how the experience is changing me; that my first reaction upon seeing Chandler’s toy “Krog, Destroyer of Worlds” was to think “that things got way too many small parts to give to a baby” rather than “oh cool, I want that toy”.

And my parenting instincts are immediately vindicated! When Chandler swallows a piece.

With the business of taking care of the baby, it’s becoming harder to look after our bodies as well as the house.

I haven’t had a shower for the last few days, yet, worryingly, my wife just turned to me and told me I smell good. You might think that’s no cause for concern, but it’s worrying for two reasons. One: loss of sense of smell is a symptom of Covid, and two: the last time she thought I smelt good was when she was pregnant!! I’m not sure which I’d prefer…

We need some sort of test here, but which to choose?

 “The One With the Tumble Dryer”

Whilst my wife’s off to get a pregnancy test, Joey’s pretending to own a Porsche™ to attract the ladies. It strikes me I could have done the same with the BMW parked outside our house the past year which has finally being towed. If I’d wanted to attract the sort of women who date drivers that are arseholes.

I suppose I could still try it even with the BMW gone. My wife is certainly getting enough cardboard boxes delivered from Amazon™.

God I hope she’s not “nesting” again.

I really don’t get how Rachel and Ross are struggling to get their wedding annulled here. She finally gets some revenge on him by lying in the court papers, which results in the annulment being rejected. But surely they can still get it on the grounds of non-consummation?? Unless there was a super X-rated scene I’ve missed.

They decide to fulfil Ross’s destiny and opt for the full divorce. Ross’s third divorce is even worse when you consider he’s only on sexual partner number seven. Although I’m not sure if it’s worse he’s on three divorces or that sexual partner number seven was Janice.

Anyway, the divorce leads to a nice scene where they ruminate over how things may have been different were it not for the winds of fate, both regretting the past, but accepting that they’ve come to where they are with a hug (and a divorce).

It’s a fitting, real, and grown up way for things to end between them, bringing years of on-again, off-again hijinks to a close. Oh boy, I sure hope we can finally move on from Rachel and Ross…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’m not the only one going a bit “Ross” at the moment. My mum has become completely obsessed with getting us a tumble dryer to help with the baby.

Obviously we’re very grateful for the offer, but we measured the space in the kitchen, it was too small, so we told her this and that there wasn’t space anywhere else.

Still she insisted, so she came round, measured the space herself, suggesting we could make the cupboard under the sink smaller, somehow? Handily ignoring that that would mean getting a new sink. And also that we’d already refused her kind offer.

She told us she’d order one anyway. So I calmly explained again we weren’t able to take one as we don’t have space.

But, mother knows best, and she showed up this week with a brand new tumble dryer, insisting we take it.

I refused to entertain this madness, and what followed was my frantic, sixty something year old mother, hauling a (sizeable) tumble dryer out of her car, and carrying it to my front door with all the strength of one of those adrenaline fuelled mums who’s child’s been trapped under a tractor tyre.

Despite my protestations she immediately drove off. And, long story short, I now have a tumble dryer in the back of my car.

I really wasn’t lying about the space. I guess it’ll just have to stay there till we move? In about two years time.

Bad news, Phoebe.

You visited your psychic and she’s prescribed DEATH.

Pretty sure the death card in tarot actually means change?

Anyway, we’ve got our own four horseman to deal with still.

You said it, Phoebe.

To be honest it looks like Joey’s the most at risk from the reaper. His health insurance lapsing means a visit to Estelle (hooray!) and a hernia in dire need of medical assistance. Doesn’t he know they’re not bothering with minor operations?

It reminds me of my own trouble getting life insurance. Fortunately I didn’t have to attend a gamut of auditions to sort that out.

Joey even has to pretend to be dying for a part, and Phoebe goes one step further, giving us a snapshot of her death pose.

My wife’s favourite prank is pretending to be dead. It’s one of her most unnerving skills. Fortunately she’s cut it out in the current situation. I’m not sure my heart could take it. Way too much excitement.

It’s weird that many years ago she, too, went to a psychic and was told her best friend and her would have babies at the same time. And it came to pass!

Shame the psychic didn’t think to warn us about all the other shit that would happen in 2020.

“The One With the Zoo”

I’m sure she’s trying not to rock the boat, but Phoebe’s being a crap friend for not telling Rachel she’s still married isn’t she?

Ross now seems to have fully lost his grip on reality, accusing Phoebe of being in love with Rachel herself, and donning a ridiculous accent to try and secure a new job. Poor guy, maybe lockdown’s getting to him?

Now a lot of us know how damaging not having work can be. Ross is so keen to regain employment he reads out his lecture to the Friends™, once again breaking curfew by taking a visit to Central Perk™. At least they’re obeying the rule of six…

It reminds me of the first lockdown when our weekly Zoom™ meetings ran out of steam and we took to giving each other presentations about our jobs. Mercifully, better delivered than Ross although I could have done with more comedic accents.

Just not Rachel’s Indian one.

Yikes.

Don’t worry Rachel; you’re not cancelled (for now) as it’s worth keeping you in the show to see Ross finally get his comeuppance for not telling you about the marriage.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I took baby on her first trip to the zoo! A last minute affair, as my mum had a spare ticket after her car broke down. Presumably not because it was attacked by a gaggle of monkeys.

It was lucky as we only had two days before the new lockdown. But unlucky, as I could only make it an hour before closing and 90% of the animals were asleep.

We queued for ten minutes to see the amazing solitary butterfly left in the butterfly house. Tramped through an aquarium that seemed more like an art installation on the damage done to our oceanic diversity by plastic consumption, and finally made it to the tigers, only to notice baby had fallen asleep.

All in all, not the biggest success. And now I’m sad, because I just realised having a baby is the closest I will ever get to owning a pet monkey.

We’ve managed to stop baby starring at the TV screen! Plenty of time for that when she’s older. (Or when daddy needs a break…)

For now she’s far happier going for a walk or playing on her mat. Unlike her dad. Although the current situation is testing even MY appetite for TV.

“The One With the Random Man”

It’s all change for the Friends™ with Chandler moving in with Monica. And we’re in for a bit of fun before they hit on the obvious solution of Chandler and Rachel simply switching apartments.

I still contend it’s a bit shitty for Chandler and Monica to expect Rachel to move out immediately. It’s not like they’re desperate for extra space!

It is fun trying to work out what you’re gonna do with a spare room. Even if each partner has very different ideas…

No, Chandler, you can’t have an arcade machine.

Or a huge sign over your bed saying “MERGE”.

This is a bit of a sore spot for me, having recently lost my drumming room to the baby… Sure, I tried to argue she’d benefit from being surrounded by musical instruments as she grew up. But it wasn’t to be. At least the neighbours are happy!

Despite hitting our thirties, space is still a premium for our generation. Especially now we’re all stuck inside. Joey Number 4 (he of massive hole fame) is ecstatic they’ve managed to move to a much bigger flat this week. I’m very much looking forward to seeing it. In season 7 at this rate…

It’ll be nice too, one day, when we’re able to move to a place with a couple more rooms. Though maybe we won’t go as far as my dad, who eventually got so sick of the kids he got a place with three different living rooms. Honestly, trying to get my family in one room is harder than Rudy Giuliani in the presence of an underage journalist.

Hang on. Why are Chandler and Monica only having one glass of wine between them?

I know times are hard, but that can’t be good for social distancing. Speaking of people who are socially distant… there’s a nice Gunther moment here as he joins the race to secure Rachel as a flatmate.

At this point, she’d probably be safer with him than Ross. It’s weird that no-one’s noticing how crazy he’s become. You know things are bad when Phoebe’s your anchor to reality.

Poor Rachel’s got nowhere to turn. I wouldn’t move in with Joey either. He looks to be undergoing a crisis of his own, banging on about naked Thursday’s, removing his shower curtain, and trying to get 19 year old women to move in. Mate. You’re, like, thirty-one.

The only redemption is it gives us one of his all time great lines.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Let’s be honest, barely anything’s been happening. But we did have a brief moment of excitement last week when a man appeared in our garden in the dead of night.

I say excitement it was more like sudden terror as my wife jumped and the pale white, masked figure moved past our window.

I went out to check, but the apparition was nowhere to be found… What was it? A robber?  A dementia stricken previous owner? The ghost of Gunther??!

No, probably just a pizza delivery guy who got a little lost.

But, you can bet your life I made sure our doors were double locked that night.

Parenthood is full of milestones.

First time they sleep through the night, first laugh, first time watching Friends™ together.

Yep, baby’s finally noticed the TV, and is staring in awe at the antics of Rachel, Ross & Co.

I’m, obviously, delighted to be sharing this with her. As my wife looks on disapprovingly…

The first laugh was pretty special too. Mostly because I got it! Ha Ha, I win. All it took was a silly little song. I’m lucky I felt bonded with the baby straight away, but there’s a sense (confirmed by talking to my male dad friends) that the end of the first three months is when you really start to feel like a dad.

It takes a while for things to sink in with men.

That was a joke (with, perhaps, a tiny pinch of truth…). It’s more that after the “fourth trimester” they start to give so much more back that every interaction feels imbued with huge significance. As Ross Number 1 observed “it’s crazy babies haven’t evolved to smile from day one, it would make parenthood a lot easier.”

It’s been an incredible journey so far. Every little leap is filled with excitement. For us, if not other people. And I finally get it, after years of sneering at parents, I can understand how a baby rolling over is the most exciting thing in the world. When you see it day by day, how slow and how long it takes to develop a new consciousness capable of turning thought into action, the smallest things can seem like climbing Everest.

Or maybe we’re just starved for entertainment?

“The One With the Cat Food”

Oh hey, it’s Ron Glass of Firefly™ fame!

Feels like a while since we’ve had someone I recognise pop up. Perhaps it’s for the best, it’s a bit distracting when famous people show up. Who next? Bruce Willis?! That’d be ridiculous…

Ron puts in a decent turn as Ross’s divorce lawyer. Poor guy. A lawyer hasn’t been this busy since Emily Maitlis interviewed Prince Andrew.

The show is pretty heavily lampshading how ridiculous the whole Rachel and Ross plotline has become if you ask me. It feels like one of those situations where they took a decision for the sake of a twist and are now having to dial back a little.

Although it does give Ross a chance to move forward, now motivated by his desire not to have “three divorces” on his tombstone.

Ross, you can have whatever you want!

Personally, and I’m gona assume my death-date here, I’m going with:

“Alive: 1989 – 2065
Dead: 2065 - ???”

That should keep things covered for the Zombie apocalypse.

Hey, you can’t plan for these things! No matter how hard Phoebe tries.

I’m a lot more positive about Chandler and Monica than Phoebe. I think they’ll go the distance, until Monica dies in a bizarre cleaning accident.

I’m a little put out by them kicking out Rachel though. If I was in a shared flat and my roommates partner was moving in I wouldn’t assume that meant I had to leave either!! Not right away anyway. It’s not like they need the room. And don’t they know there’s a pandemic on???

Maybe it’s because couples living in houseshares is a lot more common these days.

And hey, it might have been fun! There were times in lockdown we could have done with another person to liven things up. At the very least, it would give Rachel a chance to sort out Chandler’s ties.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Mystery solved!!

I came home the other day, my cat, adorably, running out to greet me at the car. But I saw my neighbour through the window, standing at the meowing and heading to his front door.

Intrigued, I waited in my car, hidden under a pile of unused facemasks.

Motherfucker only came out with a box of cat food!

I summoned all my courage, put on my big boy mask, and confronted him.

“Oh, I always feed the cats round here, I’m an animal lover”

“Ok, well could you not, because this lad is severely overweight already.”

“No problem, it’s mostly the other one I see anyway.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t mind her getting a bit extra…”

Hey, I’m not one to turn down free food. Even if it’s cat food!

Welcome back!

It’s officially the second half of Real Live Friends, where I’m watching an episode of Friends™ every two weeks and comparing it to my own life.

We’re five years in, arguably past the glory days of Friends™. And now, no longer in my twenties, it’s all downhill from here.

But, how you doin?

We’ve had a lot of laughs, and some more serious moments. I think we all remember the time I got a tattoo cause the Friends™ told me to. The time I got my identity stolen at the same time as Monica, and when I found out I, too, have a secret half brother. What fun.

Things have changed a great deal from five years ago, for the Friends™ and me.

Ross is on marriage number 3, I’m now married. Ross has a child. I have a child (or a little monkey depending on her mood). Ross has a seemingly cushty job but is struggling with a fragile mental state. I have a seemingly cushty job and am strug… you get the picture.

What I’m saying is, despite my best efforts, I’m becoming Ross. No-one told you life was gona be this way indeed.

 “The One With the Train Ride”

The major difference between now and Friends™ (other than them living in New York and me being forced to the outskirts of London due to spiralling rental costs) is the world is experiencing the largest health crisis for a century. I don’t remember the theme tune warning us about THAT.

But we’re coping. It’s even amusing, in a way, that, thanks to recent government regulations, I’m now only allowed six friends.

As a new parent, many days it seems like Chandler, Joey, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross ARE my only six friends. I’m the Gunther watching their lives play out. Never allowed to interact with them, no agency of my own, only existing in the background of their narrative.

At least it’s a GOOD story.

Imagine living through a time like this without Netflix™!!

Life goes on though. The children have returned to the school by our house, their playing a pleasant reminder of hope for the future. The world continues outside the four walls of my house. Or the three walls of a sitcom set.

Courtney Cox has got married!

Congratulations Courtney Cox Arquette.

It’s a nice excuse for some fun with the credits, the producers appending “Arquette” to each cast members name. Man, do I LOVE a goofy credit.

Unlike her actor, Monica is NOT getting married, as her and Chandler have cold feet.

Oh, Chandler, I was so happy for you the last time we went through this! It felt like a real step forward. It’s hard to put myself in this position, two years into my own marriage. It’s possible several of my Real Live Friends are experiencing this very fear of commitment in their relationships. But we would never talk about it.

Thanks to the pandemic, we know quite a few people who’ve postponed their weddings. But we’re all looking forward to them at the other end of this. Hopefully they’ll be a little bit more flashy than a couple of drinks in a Vegas chapel.

I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff when drunk, including passing out in a plate full of ham salad at a wedding. But I’m not sure it’s possible to get drunk enough to get accidentally Vegas married.

And, yes, I’ve had my share of blackouts, but to not remember that!? Come on. Maybe that’s why Ross is so keen on not becoming Mr Three Divorces. I’d feel a little cheated if I couldn’t remember my wedding night. Especially if it was with Jennifer Aniston…

I can sort of see Ross’s motivation in not wanting to become THAT guy. I think we all live in fear of having some identity forced on us we don’t recognise as our own. Or at least not as the one we wanted. But does he have to be such a prick about it? Thank god nowadays you can get a divorce even if the other person doesn't want it...

You have to wonder how David Schwimmer felt about the way his character is developing. Was he just happy getting laughs? Did he enjoy the acting challenge? Or was he annoyed at the character he played for five years abandoning all reason?

It’s bit like how different things are when you see them through an alcoholic fog, and the moment of clarity.

Am I talking about alcohol too much? Sorry, one thing I’ve learned about parenthood so far is it mainly consists of spending far more time thinking about drinking than actually drinking.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Before things get really bad again I managed to snatch some family time in the park.

It was my first weekend with the baby to myself. So naturally, by the second day I was round the grandparents.

We went for a little walk and there was one of those mini trains the kids like. My nephew was eager to go on so quicker than you could say “has this thing been sanitised?” I found myself on a dinky carriage, clinging onto my baby for dear life.

It was the last run of the day, so we set off at an alarming pace, and I’m proud to say the baby loved her first train ride, watching the leaves woosh by, feeling the wind on her face.

The same cannot be said for me, as I spent the entire time gripped by panic.

Without time to think the decision through my brain went into overdrive, like an out of control train in some old timey movie.

“Oh God, I should have asked my wife if this was OK. What if we crash? What if I drop her? What if I jump off the train???”

Fortunately, I didn’t. And I suspect we’re going to have many more rides on that train as she gets older. Just next time, I might want a little more time to prepare myself.