I’m alive.

Within a few days it was clear my symptoms weren’t going to get worse and I started feeling better.

On the pain scale it was somewhere between a cold and a kidney stone..

Now, in the absence of any tests, we’re left unsure if I even had it. I think so, but can’t feel any relief at being one of the lucky ones as we see the stories sweep across the media. “A thousand UK dead in one day.” And the smaller stories on social media that hit harder, “my father died last night…”

It’s affecting us all on the macro and microscopic level.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself while isolating. I’m still taking a minimum three days to reply to messages. This whole time I thought I was super busy; turns out I’m just an asshole.

In fact, like Monica and Chandler, I’ve mostly been flexing my biceps and doing laundry.

OK, maybe not doing laundry the way THEY do it.

“The One Where She Comes Back Too Soon”

It’s been a pretty tumultuous month.

Shortly after my wife lost her job, it looked like I too may be joining her in “Ross-ing” up my life. But things seem secure, for now. The Government’s done a pretty good job of supporting people through the crisis, whilst ignoring those who need help most. Businesses are given help first, whilst pregnant self-employed people are hung out to dry.

It’s nice that some things are business as usual. At least they’re giving us a sense of continuity, if not a properly funded health service.

And now, just to really drive home the message that no-one is safe; our glorious leader has got the virus too. Honestly, he’s already stolen our thunder once by having a baby at the same time as us and now this! Selfish.

Given we’re all in isolation now, and all the sitting around in your pants that brings, it’s appropriate that Ugly Naked Guy is finally back. Providing Ross with a much needed chance to move house.

“Maybe we could do that thing with the cans on string!” enthuses Joey.

Honey, we’re all doing that now, Zooming™ and Houseparty™-ing to stay sane. And what a joy it is, talking to your friends whilst being Ugly Naked Guy from the waist down. I’m getting used to it, even learning how to look directly into the webcam rather than at my own image. Really, this is like having to learn to look people in the eye all over again!

With the “They Don’t Know That We Know That They Knows”, the game of Phoebe and Chandler pretending to be into each other, and Chandler’s declaration of love for Monica, this may be my favourite episode.

It’s a shame it’s coincided with one of the worst weeks of my life.

After a couple of days of my illness, my wife continued her Ross streak by moving too. Despite my insistence she stay at her mums until I was better, she decided to come home. After all I “didn’t sound too ill on the phone”. She thought I wanted her to stay away so I could enjoy playing videogames by myself!

Well, yes I was enjoying that, but I wouldn’t ban my pregnant wife from her house just for a few days of me time. I was trying to protect her and the baby.

Within a few days, I was proved right in the worst possible way. She had all the symptoms. My seven months pregnant wife. And pregnant women have just been moved to the high risk category. Et tu Boris?

And it turns out; dealing with a respiratory virus is a lot harder when all your abdominal organs have been pushed into your rib cage.

I think it was fifteen days in total. Fifteen days of staying up late just to be sure, being woken in the night by coughing fits. Two late night calls to 111. There wasn’t anything they could do. One night things seemed so bad we rang 999, they did a great job of assessing and calmly telling me they wouldn’t be able to send anyone. Essentially the message was “we can only help if they’re turning blue”. So excuse me if I didn’t have any sympathy when it was reported the PM still had symptoms after five days and was being taken in for some tests as a precaution.

Why should he get better treatment than my wife and unborn child? I thought we were “all in this together”?

By the second week I was lying awake listening to her shallow breathing. Is she getting worse or are we just panicking? Surely her cough should have stopped by now?

It really made me realise how unprepared I am for six months of listening to a newborns freaky night breathing.

Despite getting it much worse than me, she got through it, and is now on the mend. I know we’re lucky, and other people will have things much harder. Even Boris, taking a turn for the worse and spending a few nights in the ICU. I know there will be millions of people, experiencing similar things, or much, much worse.

But that didn’t make it any easier at the time.

OH MY GOD.

UGLY NAKED GUY IS ON THE SCREEN.

ON. THE. SCREEN.

I’ve been waiting 5 years for this!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

As we’re housebound my wife has been looking for ways to occupy her time whilst I watch Friends™ and construct giant poking devices.

She hit upon the VERY ORIGINAL idea of writing a diary.

Her daily readings turned out to be a very effective way of her criticising (or sometimes praising!) my behaviour in a way that felt less like I was being attacked. Here’s an extract:
“My nephew rang me and asked if I had corona virus then started laughing. He then went on to tell me that he & his dad made a mud / worm house and put 24 worms inside. But dad forgot to put air holes in and they all died. I found this funnier than a vegetarian should. I can relate to those poor worms, struggling to breath. My sister is making nephew write a diary, he didn’t go into as much details as I did & simply wrote “today Dad killed 24 worms”.

One day my nephew’s kids will read that back & think their Granddad went on some random worm massacre.”

Needs more Friends™ if you ask me.

Well, I needn’t have worried about missing Dr Phalange’s wedding because of the birth, as now nobody can make it.

The Netflix™ generation has reached our final evolution, and must now stay indoors for the foreseeable future.

And I am cursed to chronicle this global pandemic, as it reaches Britain’s shores, through the lens of Friends™. Like Samuel Pepys if he liked Christopher Marlowe a bit too much.

 “The One With the Lockdown”

We’ve known it was coming for weeks, and yet we’ve stood (along with the government) doing very little. It’s hard to blame the government; successive waves of new viruses have failed to reach their potential. Threatening us from afar and fizzling out before anything comes of it. Like the prospect of a Friends™ reunion.

I too, thought it would never make its way over here in any substantial fashion. Even when it reached Europe it seemed it would remain a continental concern. Like clogs, French poetry, and the idea of establishing a broader union based on mutual respect and free trade.

I only started to get worried when Dr Phalange herself took me to task for a flippant Facebook™ status. Maybe this WAS gona be a big deal?

But we “kept calm and carried on”. I was told to work from home; it suited me fine. I’d save a bomb on travel, and had to help out with my wife’s company’s kids’ show this week. The show must go on.

And so, after a weekend setting up in the theatre, the kids arrived for their first dress rehearsal, and within ten minutes it was all over. They’d “got the science wrong” and needed to close everything immediately. The kids were sent home, my pregnant wife was devastated, losing her job, and all she’d worked at for ten months in one go. And she had to let down a room full of children at peak excitement.

The children took it surprisingly well, I marvelled at their resilience, laughing and joking in the face of the tears.

But all the while I was struggling; going up and down ladders had seemed a bit harder than usual. Was the theatre colder than normal? Why are these lights so hot?

By the time we got to the car, I knew I had to take action, after hours of denial I had to listen to the voices in my head; like Boris Johnson finally realising the British people were NOT sick of experts, but actually sick of something else.

I had to let my wife down, in her biggest hour of need, seven months pregnant, having the worst day of her life, losing her job AND becoming Ross Number 3.

And now I had to tell her: “I think you should stay at your mum’s for a few days, I can’t be with you right now, the risk to you and the baby is too great, I can’t go to my parents, they’re too old. The guidance is clear. Fever = Isolation.”

So, here we are. Just me, myself and I.

We’re all trapped with ourselves now. In my case, fatigued to shit, sweating in my sleep, aching all over.

OOOO, Joey’s got a manbag! Ha Ha Ha. Eh, it’s just a bag.

“We’re just not sure the world is ready for your bag…”

Well, hey 20 years later it’s all dandy! Usually I’d take comfort in that…

I want to be with my wife, not here watching Friends™. But I can’t live with her, even as I feel I can’t live without her. Hey… someone should write a song about that.

And now Phoebe’s reuniting with her long lost father, and, and this is all a bit much.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

…

Glory be! The fence is fixed. Now, finally, things are looking up, barring any major new crises raising their heads, like No Deal Brexit being put back on the table, or some major global pandemic.

What are the chances of THAT happening?!

“The One Before the Storm”

I admit proposing I fix the fence myself was not quite the cliffhanger Friends™ left us on, with Rach finding out about Mondler. Monica isn’t quite ready to admit it to her, and Rachel is not best pleased.

It seems an age since I’ve had such a juicy secret. I don’t know when I’d get to hear one, Even as we shift from gatherings to smaller dinner parties it’s been a while since I’ve had a decent one-on-one. Most of my attempts to persuade mates to come over for a couple of beers whilst we fix the fence ended in polite refusal.

So I did the real manly thing, and paid someone else to do it.

I tell a lie, I did have a very enjoyable one-on-one with my best Real Live Friend recently.

I realised my ennui over not using my body, and long held desire to do some physical activity had a pretty plain solution. It’s been staring me in the face all along, as I live in one of the few towns in the UK with a facility to do one of the few physical activities I can do, One you can even do by yourself!

I am, of course, talking about my friends sex dungeon.

Not really, although he did tell me he’s fitted out his garage as his own personal Gym. Sure, if THAT’s what you want to call it.

I’m actually talking about our local indoor Ski Centre. Fuck me, it’s expensive though. While there we discovered they have a more reasonable month pass, which I thought would be a great way to get some weekly me time after the baby comes! So I tentatively suggested my wife get me a pass for my upcoming birthday.

“Yerh, you’re not gona have time to do that.”

Oh well, maybe this year I’ll find someone to play Tennis™ with?

Chandler and Monica aren’t struggling to find Tennis™ partners, and are playing a doubles game against his, rather irritating, boss. Monica’s pretty pissed at having to throw the game to stay in his good graces. I’ve noticed this trope in a couple of US shows/films recently. The idea’s completely alien to me. But to be fair I’ve never found anything I’m better at than my bosses.

Elsewhere, Ross’s life is going from bad to worse, Emily is getting married! Already!! You’d think she’d learn from her mistakes… I can comfortably say I’ll never get married again, although my wife hasn’t fallen for a lesbian yet.

It’s a decent excuse for another guest spot from everyone’s favourite divorcee.

As if we needed an excuse! Ross certainly doesn’t, and Janice becomes his “lucky” number 7. Alas he’s too annoying for HER. Could be worse Janice, you could have been seduced by Chandler’s boss. Imagine you’re half way through sex; he spanks you on the ass and shouts “BING!”

True to my word, I’ve been trying to arrange my own returning guest appearance in the form of Joey Number 1.

We spoke but didn’t manage to arrange anything…

“Are you free in a couple of weeks?”
“No”
“Coming to Dr Phalange’s hen do?”
“When is it?”
“13th of April.”
“No. You coming to the wedding?”
“No, it’s on our due date.”

But they seemed alright, if a little surprised I was having a baby.

Oh, THERE’S my secret. Thank you, Friends™.

I’m not sure the news helped bring us back together if I’m honest, only serving to highlight how different our lives have become. Me, in a cosy dead-end job, in a comfortable marriage in the suburbs, them suited up, jet-setting around the world on their 8-6. Perhaps there’s a link between them and Chandler Number 2’s single-dom and their ability to pursue high flying jobs with unsociable hours and distance involved? I can’t exactly up sticks to Yemen in pursuit of my career.

Or maybe all my other mates are doing fine too and I shouldn’t use my relationship as an excuse for my lack of ambition and talent.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

The curse of Friends™ strikes again! And this time it’s physical. What is it I hear you cry?

Yep. Not nine episodes after Joey, I was minding my own business at the toilet when I felt an excruciating pain and had to stumble to the bed before I passed out (thankfully, no longer pissing).

After a while it seemed whatever had caused it had passed. Literally, it turns out. And my wife gleefully exclaimed one of her favourite Friends™ quotes:

“Kidney Stones? KIDNEY STONES”.

It’s always good to know I have her support.

There’s still a hole in our fence.

Yep, that wasn’t some tortured metaphor, Storm Dennis literally blew a gaping hole in our fence. The second of three major storms within a month. And as usual, the second one in the trilogy proved to be the most potent.

Maybe the current (rather lacklustre) storm (1.5 stars) could redo the damage if the fence had been fixed in time? We’ll never know. I suspect not, as we all know, the third one is always the worst.

I’ve already spoke to several companies about getting it fixed. And was ready to go with what I considered the best option. But the second I confirmed the date THEY suggested they disappeared! Like Keyser Soze in reverse.

I wouldn’t mind being ghosted, but it seems a little more offensive when it’s being done by a fencing company instead someone you actually fancy. I just want a fence! I wasn’t trying to slip one inside him.

I'm starting to think I may as well do it myself! I wouldn’t have minded if they simply weren’t free anymore. But now I look completely stupid because I insisted we go for these guys over my wife’s (slightly cheaper) pick because they “seemed more professional”.

Ah well, at least it makes it easier to go to the shops.
 
“The One Where It’s the Start of a New Decade”

Like most things at the moment I’m still behind Friends™ too. Really won’t be surprised if our baby’s late if they’re anything like me.

The Friends™ are doing new years and heading into 1999. Not quite the EXCITEMENT of a new decade that we all feel. Right? Ok, maybe not. Seeing the lack of excitement, it’s hard to belief we’re the generation who watched our parents lose their shit over the millennium bug.

The Friends™ are a lot more excited about New Years. All getting into the spirit of things with typically ridiculous resolutions. Chandler not making mean jokes, Monica taking more pictures, Phoebe stealing a plane.

Strangely out of those three Monica’s seems the most outlandish. You’d be hard-pressed today to find someone wanting to take LESS selfies.

Seeing how far behind with things I am I reckon I’d struggle with Ross’s the most. Do one new thing every day. EVERY DAY. God Ross, I know you’ve got a lot of time on your hands with the divorce and job-loss, but take it easy, dude. Last time I tried something new I ended up getting punched in the face by my wife’s brother.

I did briefly consider taking up boxing after that (and why not, it was Boxing Day…) but now the only boxing I’m doing is chucking away the boxes our baby furniture came in.

Like most of us, Ross’s resolution fails pretty quick after the infamous incident with the leather trousers.

I really don’t know why he thought ringing Joey in that situation would help?

And Rachel finds out about Chanica too! Alas, we’ll have to wait till next time to see how that turns out, as her resolution is to no longer gossip…

It all adds up to a pretty classic episode. Not bad for number eleven!

As it’s the start of a new decade, I thought it might be nice to take this opportunity to look back at some of the Real Live Friends we’ve lost along the way. And why not, it is Oscars™ season…

I always said at the start I expected my friendships to be more flexible than the cliquey Friends™. Fortunately I’ve done a lot better at holding onto people than I thought! Even managing to meet up on occasion with the people I love who don’t easily fit into one of my social circles.

Looking at my list of people “lucky” enough to have been given a character, I’ve only lost a couple.

I haven’t seen my Phoebe Number 2 since leaving my old job. Perhaps giving them a character was a little ambitious given I only ever saw them at work? But still, we got on very well, and I do sometimes think of trying to get in touch again.

Less of a loss is Chandler Number 4. An old Real Live Friend who only briefly returned to sleep with my sister. I’m sure I’d enjoy a catch up, just next time not when I come downstairs to have breakfast, only to find he’s been up all night with my sister.

But this is the biggie...

Joey Number 1.

Since being a very BAD Joey and getting an exciting high profile job they’ve completely slipped off the radar.

We’re all sure they’re doing well, but it would be nice if they came to just one social event. Come to think of it, I can’t even remember the last time I spoke with them, it might even be over a year! Oh, Joey –oh, Joey, oh, where for art thou? Joey, oh…

This is not good. With all the Friends™ making resolutions, I’ll have to try and make an effort to arrange a catch up. I mean, I’d do it anyway.

Wouldn’t I?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

If my real life was a sitcom, this would be a bit of a sentimental episode. We’ve been putting together the baby’s room. We got a painter in (no ghosting from them…) stuck up stickers, made the cot, but when it came to the chest of drawers I insisted I did it myself.

Not out of any toxic masculinity, I just thought it would be nice to give my wife a break. Or, that’s what I pretended, really I just wanted to listen to my own music.

I thought I had a good handle on it (no pun intended) until I was about to have a tea break and realised I’d put on every single one of the brackets for the shelves an inch too close to the edge. Personally, I consider it a design flaw that it was possible to do this, but had to take responsibility when my wife asked how it was going.

“Well, you know how an hour ago I’d done steps 1 and 2? Now I’ve done step 3! But I have to do steps 1 and 2 again.”

Maybe I shouldn’t try and fix the fence myself?

Eurgh, more of this Rachel and Danny stuff?

This is the Friends™ equivalent of someone banging on about their Tindr™ dates. It’s all so far removed from my own life!

This’ll be how my mates feel when I show them baby scan pictures…

At least they’ve finally gone on a date! If only for Rachel to find he and his sister are way too “handsy”.

Like Monica and Ross, our own families no longer wrestle. Just punch each other in the face.

Ross has rapidly forgotten that Joey did some “inappropriate wrestling” with HIS sister. You’d think there’d be more fallout from that? (It’s almost like the other characters know it isn’t true.)

Perhaps Ross has got more important things on his mind now he’s on sabbatical?

But it’s strange that, immediately after losing his job AND finding out Joey “slept” with Monica, Ross is putting all his energy into helping Joey; who’s writing a play following an (all too brief) visit to Estelle.

 “The One Where I Tell My Family (About the baby, not that I've spend over four years blogging about Friends™)”

Monica Number 2 is still as relaxed as Ross about their unemployment. More so, if anything.

I’ve already proposed they could be considered a Rachel, and now they’re gunning heavily for Ross too (Number 4 I think it is?). I’m not sure if this makes them the most rounded of my Real Live Friends? Or some horrendous Frankenstein’s Monster…

Ross has certainly got a lot of time on his hands, but the others seem just as free and easy.

It’s a sharp contrast to my life: working hard, getting everything ready for the baby, and trying to keep the house clean. Hey, Monica Number 2 ! Fancy clearing out my fridge?

Chandler and Joey are inventing silly games; flicking an egg into a bowl with a spoon, hammer darts™, fireball™. It reminds me of the time Monica Number 2 accidentally made a hole in Cannibal Bosses wall at a house party. No hammer darts involved, I think they were trying to climb up the corridor? They really are a person of many personas. Monica… Ross… Spiderman.

And Phoebe’s out there bell ringing. Bell ringing? In February?! What is she like…

Wait… am I wrong… How has this happened!?! Could it be I’ve fallen so far behind the Friends™ are stuck in Christmas™ whilst I’m at Valentines Day™?!

I knew my entries were slipping… but can I really have let things get this bad in the excitement of the baby?

Maybe, and it pains me to say it. Maybe, I just don’t care as much anymore?

Maybe I’ve just got better things to do?

If the Friends™ are constantly looking for distractions, like bell ringing, writing a play, Ultimate Fireball™.

Then I am craving the opposite. It seems now life, with all its Netflix™, smartphones, and “adulting” is one big distraction. Rather than looking for things to do in boredom, we look for boredom. And long for a holiday where we can do nothing. Idly looking into space without having a screen in front of us. Finding a moment of emptiness, snatched between the trip to buy the pram, and the need to fix your fence because a “hurricane” blew a hole in it and now everyone walking past can see you writing a blog in your dressing gown.

And in amongst that there’s Real Live Friends. Ultimate Fireball™. The things you want to do for no real reason other than because you can. And maybe it might entertain your friends for a short while. Friends already overstuffed on entertainment. Like chicks being force-fed grain to make Foie Gras.

But I will continue! I’m sure I’ll have ample time to get back on schedule once the babies here (… he lied).

Maybe I could get Monica Number 2 to be my own Ross? To make me put the work in, give me a schedule, be my Mr Motivator™.

Not that it works out for Ross and Joey, all it does is cause an argument between Chandler and Ross!

Joey fixes it though, by making his play about them and getting them to read it out for him.

Honestly. What kind of loser puts their friends in their grand creative project?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

This is from a while back. There’s a lot to catch up on now the baby is out in the open.

It was a day of great excitement as the time had come to tell my family!

We gathered them for dinner, nerves building as I tried desperately to get everyone in the same room at the same time. It was like Christmas™! But if you had to wait 7 months to open your present.

I’d planned it all out, knew what I was going to say. Everyone was there, even my baby nephew, oblivious to the news he was about to get his first cousin.

My moment was here.

“I SUPPOSE YOU’VE WONDERED WHY I’VE GATHERED YOU ALL HERE” I said excitedly.

God, I’d always wanted to say that to a room full of people… but before I could bask in the moment of glory and deliver the big news itself I was interrupted by dad.

“Shhh, what you shouting for? You’ll disturb your nephew.”

The moment gone and, thoroughly embarrassed, I let my wife give them the news instead.

After the one with all the Thanksgivings, I’ve been thinking about what I’m thankful for.

My wife, house, cats, even job! Everything's falling in place.

The Friends™, too, are more comfortable with themselves now they’re in their 30s (with the exception of Ross…).

It’s peculiar though, most of the silly little markers of “success” that society judges us by, the house, the pets, a long-term partner, aren’t in place for the Friends™ yet.

Most of my Real Live Friends, if not completely set-up, are at least in long term relationships. “Moving forward”.

But, despite having their shit together career wise, the Friends™ are either in the early days of a relationship (Chandler, Monica, and Rachel) or single still (the other three).

I suppose it’s a reminder the castles we build ourselves are only made of glass, and, like Ross, we could lose it at any time. I am truly thankful that hasn’t happened to me.

But still, no matter how many coincidences happen, my identity being stolen, the dog episode, my half-brother, with each passing season my life gets less and less like the Friends™.

Ross’s son, Phoebe birthing triplets. We are not shown the reality of their family life. The impact it has on them is barely touched upon.

What I’m trying to say is… we’ve got a new thing to be thankful for.

We’re having a baby!

 “The One With the Big News”

Yep, like Joey, I’m sick of keeping secrets. And this episode (despite the Ross sandwich stuff we ALL remember) deals largely with the increasing difficulty of keeping Chanica a secret. Their flagrant sexual behaviour is spiralling out of control and Joey keeps taking the fall.

I’ve said it before but Joey is a damn good friend. Appearing like a pervert to cover for Mondler’s sexual exploration. Now, I get the “giving sexy pictures” thing. It’s so easy now I’m sure we ALL do that. And, it’s charmingly retro seeing Monica’s is a Polaroid™. But making a “home movie” together? I only know one person who’s admitted to that, who will remain anonymous, but earned A LOT of Joey points after offering to show me theirs if I made one with someone.

I wonder if any of my other Real Live Friends have done this?

Answers on a USB stick please.

To be honest it’s been almost as long since we found out about we're going to be parents as Chandler and Monica have been together. I hope you can forgive me for sitting on this one for so long?

Like Chandler and Monica, we needed something that was just ours. To experience it together. Free from the work of David Crane and Marta Kauffman. If you will indulge me, consider it me positioning my wife cleverly behind pieces of set to hide the bump. Which is better than replacing her with another actress.

It was little tough hiding it from the Real Live Friends. We were very open about the decision to start trying. This led to a particularly awkward lunch when it was too early to say yet David the Science Guy flat out asked if it had happened yet. Despite my stunned silence people seemed genuinely surprised when we came out the baby closet a few weeks later.

Cannibal Boss is the only one who claims to have guessed, after seeing a picture of my wife not drinking on Instagram™. Which, if you know my wife, is a pretty big tell.

It’s been a very exciting time!

And particulary nice telling those other outliers who’ve been our canaries down the mine (including my sister). They mostly all looked relieved to not have to go through the horror of parenthood alone.

It’s not long now till we’ll be taking our first “Lamaze class”. You can tell what sort of parent I’m going to be from the fact I had to Google™ that to understand Phoebe’s joke about her new English Literature classes having a less painful final exam.

Also, another bizarre throwaway line, Phoebe once stabbed a cop?!

Forget Joey™, Young Sheldon™, even a Friends™ reunion, what we REALLY need is a Phoebe prequel. Maybe they could do more stuff with her past lives a la Blackadder™?

Phoebe’s pissed because Rachel stole her analysis of Wuthering Heights™. There’s a lot of that about, as Ross has discovered.

You know what? I’d get JUST as annoyed as Ross if someone took my sandwich.

I’m possessive at the best of times, but with all these pregnancy hormones (OK, not MY hormones) I’m feeling pretty protective at the moment. WHO THE HELL STEALS SOMEONE’S LUNCH?!? Ross is the one who’s been wronged here and HE’s the one who gets tranquilised, and given a leave of absence. Maybe’s it’s all the emotions I’m feeling at the moment but I’m properly sad seeing Ross’s breakdown. Especially as everyone else is doing so well…

My protectiveness came to the fore on a train journey recently. We were travelling back from London with my wife’s parents. An absolute arsehole barged on and, after a few angry words were exchanged between him and my father – in – law, did a move that I can only describe as a “fake headbutt”. As my father – in – law dodged backwards, the sardines responded like some awesome wave, voices raised further, and my wife shrieked “I’m pregnant”.

I’m not ashamed to say I went “Red Ross”, finger prodding the guys shoulder and saying something I imagine to be very cool like “I’M THE MOTHER FUCKING BATMAN” but which probably sounded more like “errm, excuse me, sir, could you please calm the fuck down?”.

Fortunately, before I could get the shit kicked out of me, an undercover cop flashed their badge and calmed the situation. And we took what I imagine will be my worst thirty minute journey, until we have to make our way to the hospital in five months time.

But whenever my wife pulls me up on being too relaxed about the pregnancy, or I have no answer when she asks to hear my worries, it’s because I now know what sort of parent I’m going to be.

One who will protect his child no matter what.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Another fun thing I haven’t said yet about Christmas™!

My sister-in-law has taken up boxing! (It’s good to know I can hide behind her next time there’s a coked up loon on the train).

My wife got her a pair of gloves, with a matching pair for her 7 year old, who’s getting to that “punchy” stage. Their brother’s newly purchased house had an unfurnished living room, so we had our own makeshift arena… which lead to one of the best Christmases™ EVER, as we were free to spend the afternoon punching the crap out of each other. (With the obvious exception of my wife).

It’s fair to say my brother-in-law got his own back for me impregnating his sister:

A bit of sad news to end the year on.

Allee Willis, who wrote the much loved “I’ll Be There For You” passed away over Christmas.
I don’t know why but I always thought the Rembrandts had written it themselves.

At least I now know it was by Allee, who also wrote (the absolute tune) ‘September’ by Earth, Wind and Fire.

Rest in Peace Allee, thanks for helping make Friends™ one of the most beloved shows of all time!

Let’s all do four claps in her memory.

“The One Where I Have a Little Holiday Part 2”

Our own Christmas™, thankfully, passed without incident.

Well, I say that. After all the feasting was over (I know how the friends feel after Monica’s meal!), and after all the games, my brother-in-law and I sat down to drunkenly enjoy Bad Santa 2™. We decided to make it our new tradition, after watching the first film last time.

Unfortunately his parenting duties took over as my nephew was a little ill. And I was left alone to contemplate the responsibilities parenthood brings.

After it became apparent he wasn’t coming back and that we’d have to continue our Bad Santa Fest next year I went up to bed thinking everything was fine.

It wasn’t until the next morning we found out everything was less than fine and my poor sister and brother-in-law had had to call out an Ambulance and spend the night in A and E! Fortunately my nephew is now fine, but I can’t believe we both slept through it all! Hopefully that will be their worst ever Christmas™. It certainly rivals any of the Friends’ experiences at Thanksgiving!

At least no-one got their head stuck in a Turkey. There’s always next year…

Oh wait, hang on. We’re finally here! It’s Turkey head time!!

I’d forgotten quite how much great stuff was in this episode. Fat Monica, Rachel’s Nose Job, Chandler’s Flock of Seagulls hair. Even a weird Python-esque flashback of Phoebe’s past life.

I don’t believe in any of that nonsense, except I do sometimes think I may have been a shell-shocked soldier, there’s something about fireworks I just can’t get on board with. Hrrm. Maybe Phoebe might have treated my wounds?

All this fun is slightly marred by Chandler’s flashback. It’s understandable he’s upset about his parents’ divorce. But it’s a shame they use this set-up for a cheap joke about a flamboyant pool-boy. I could have done without that.

Much like Christmas™ dinner, the highlight really is the turkey stuffing. Even if Mr Bean™ did it first!

The incident itself takes place in 1992, placing it two years before season one. It’s weird to think the show misses out the whole first half of their 20s... Given it’s such a turbulent period; you’d think they would have mined it more for material!

Jesus Christ. I just checked Facebook™ to see what I was up to in my equivalent of 1992. There was no turkey incident, but I had inexplicably made my profile picture David the Science Guy.

Maybe this obsession goes deeper than I thought?! I suppose one of the good things about Facebook™ is if you ever want to get a snapshot of what you were doing at a certain point you can go back and revise your life. And the bad thing is when it turns out you’re a loser who’s wasted their life. Aside from the profile picture, it seems I was mostly making terrible music, and having terrible facial hair.

Why do I feel like I’ve just been slammed by Friends™?

At this point, I should probably just be grateful I’ve still got all my toes. Aside from Chandler ALSO having a trip to A and E, it’s weird him having a toe missing hasn’t been brought up in 5 years, right? And also that Monica was responsible. And also, why is he only getting annoyed at her now?! Sure, it leads to turkey head, but maybe this is a little too convenient? Particularly when it’s revealed Chandler is both the reason Monica became a Chef AND lost a dangerous amount of weight in one year.

It’s a bit like when Star Wars Origins: A Solo Story™ went out of its way to over explain every tiny detail of Han Solo’s life.

Oh, that was a close one. Just realised I almost missed reviewing the new Star Wars™ this year!

2.75 Stars.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Following our disastrous attempt at a Halloween™ party, we had another crack with New Years™.

This time I was a bit more cautious.

Perhaps too cautious…

We made a Facebook™ event, but realised none of my Real Live Friends had clicked attending. We decided to make sure people genuinely had other plans (I mean fair enough, we did spend a whole week together last New Years!). And when it seemed that was the case, we moved the party to my wife’s mates for convenience.

Queue, both my boss’s and David the Science Guy messaging me the day before the party to check on the details! Oh god. How did I forget to ask them?! I apologised about the change of plans and fortunately they were able to find new things to do.

Although my boss was pretty miffed, as he’d already bought his Drag makeup.

Oh yerh, I forgot to mention. It was Ru Paul’s Drag Race™ themed. To make matters worse, I somehow bought a bottle of white instead of red. And had to make an emergency trip to the off-licence by our old flat in full drag.

The poor lady at the checkout must have been very confused. She doesn’t see me for a year and then I show up dressed like that. To be fair, my wife did my makeup so well I don’t think she noticed it was me. Until I uttered my customary “oh, I don’t need a bag thank you”, saw the penny drop, and made a hasty exit.

Happy New Year!

The end of the year, the end of the decade, the end of my twenties.

The end of Ross’s second marriage. Don’t worry Ross, I still love you!

With the holidays here there’s plenty of time to take stock. And to ponder the big questions like “has anyone ever successfully finished a pot of potato salad?” and “why do we need clean plates to smell of lemon?”

And yet I haven’t found time to have a haircut, and am currently looking a lot like Ross, dishevelled and homeless.

I did try to squeeze it in between running errands for my wife (and catching up on a year’s worth of missed TV). But everyone else had the same idea! After half an hour of waiting, a boy (who I was certain had already had their haircut) was called to the chair and I had to leave to make it to my parents on time. Honestly, has no-one told the lad this is the time of year for giving to people in greater need than yourself?

There’s always next decade…

Ross isn’t the only one in need of a place to stay. My cousin has moved into mums.

Honestly, she’s only just got shot of her final child, and another one shows up. It’s like she’s got a one-out one-in policy.

I don’t know if it’s heartening seeing people our age have always had difficulties finding places to live, or deeply depressing that things still haven’t got sorted out.

It could be worse. At least my cousin isn’t a “Big Tap-dancing Pimp”

“The One Where I Have a Little Holiday Part 1”

Oh great. Not one week away from work and Friends™ has reminded me of all the new health and safety regulations we’ve got in place. Phoebe’s dating a restaurant inspector, and he is mad with power!

Much like boss, who’s enforcing all these new procedures, including BEARD NETS for production staff. Beard. Nets.

We thought we'd have a bit of fun with it at the office Christmas party. It was a pickle making class and one of the boys brought along a couple of beard nets. We put them on and stood waiting for boss to notice and hilarity to ensue.

I think the pickling was almost done by the time he clocked we were even wearing them…

Phoebe is not alone in feeling the need for a Christmas™ fling.

Not me! Honestly, wife, if you’re reading, There's no need to worry! It’s Rachel who’s on the prowl. Or rather playing games to try and snare the Yeti on the floor below. God I’m glad I’m not dating anymore.

She’s got this confusing tactic where she isn’t going to his party on purpose? Or thinks he isn’t inviting her because he likes her? If people not inviting you places means they like you people must love me!

Nowadays I get messaged more often by Facebook™ telling me about some “Friendversary” than by my actual friends.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

That’s not to say we don’t still meet up every now and then.

We went out for Christmas™ lunch to catch up with Chandler Number 1, back from “Yemen” for the holidays. They’re doing well, aside from briefly getting stranded in the desert for 2 hours. Every time they come back they seem to have a story more befitting a feature film than a sitcom!

But what made me laugh was hearing about Monica’s Number 2’s dad who it turns out has a vast bear collection.

I assume Monica meant toy bears, and not that their dad is having a mid-life conversion to kinky gay love.

To be fair the latter would be much less embarrassing.

Winter is upon us. And what better way to celebrate than by giving an old man with a beard the sack.

Yep, THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN (well a third of them) and it looks like Jeremy Corbyn’s days are numbered.

I’m pretty politicked out, and in the spirit of Friends™ won’t turn this into a big sad/angry rant. I think it’s pretty clear we still need a good hard look at the way our political system does or does not work. (Particularly regarding campaign rules on spending and dishonesty, and how more than half of voters can support a second referendum but not get one).

But it certainly won’t have happened by the time I’ve finished watching Friends™.

One thing I will say is I think J-Corbz (Britain’s very own “Mr Heckles”) did pretty well considering. I always said the main point of having such a leader was to move the narrative back to the centre and away from Austerity. With that seemingly achieved, Labour can move to take the centre ground next time. With someone fresh and slick like Chuka Umu… oh balls.

“The One Where I Don’t Talk Politics”

Speaking of blonde dudes who have issues with women (sorry), Gunther is being particularly creepy this week. He buys all the furniture Ross is getting rid of because it’s been contaminated by Rachel.

This is one of many throwaway gags about him which become a little more disturbing when you read into them. As long as he doesn’t start dressing like Ross and following Rachel home I think we should be ok…

It’s just a silly little joke really. With all the serious Ross stuff, and Mondler, it’s been quite a while since anything silly and “sit-com” has happened. Hell, it’s been two whole years since Ugly Naked Guy was last in the show! And yet as I get older I’m increasingly seeing an ugly naked guy when I look in the mirror.

It seems the silliness is bouncing back! Monica and Rachel mistake a fine young man for a yeti and bug bomb him and Phoebe’s grappling with inheriting a fur coat.

It reminds me of the time some mates of mine accidentally won a huge tub of Foie Gras in a meat raffle. What do you do in that situation? We reasoned we weren’t actually supporting its production (as it was free) so decided to eat it.

I started to feel a little guilty after the third time I went round only to have yet more of it rammed down my throat. I know how those little chicks and ducks feel.

The silliness is a nice counterpoint to Emily’s behaviour becoming more abusive. It’s clear the writers are turning her into the bad guy to keep things cushty with Ross. If the Rachel thing was a little dodgy forcing him to sell all his furniture and move far out of town is definitely not right. We’ve all already seen how hard being forced out the city can make keeping in touch with your mates.

It’s nice that Joey is the one standing up for Ross first. In all his silliness and selfishness it’s easy to forget he’s probably the best Friend™ when it comes to loyalty. Ross makes some good points about marriage being about compromise. But there is a limit. Thankfully his mates are there to remind him where it is.

Still it must be hard being the first of your friends to be married. Not once but twice…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I got to spend some time with my Real Live Ross Number 1 this week, himself the first of us all to get married.

I had a spare ticket to go see Devin Townsend, after my wife managed to get us tickets for my birthday and then conveniently forgot to put the date in her diary. It’s probably for the best. Ross definitely got more out of seeing a 47 year old prog-metaller than she would have.

It was a great show, if a little complicated by Ross bringing along an old saucepan for me as a gift. The poor cloakroom attendant didn’t know what to make of it.

I reckon Devin would have a got a kick out of it. Especially considering the extended drum solo section where he held up kitchen implements for the drummer to hit.

Yerh, my wife made the right decision.

We’ve recovered from the trauma of “seat-gate”.

But, after an abundance of leftover Halloween™ chocolate, it still isn’t safe to sit anywhere in the house without looking first.

Strangely Chandler’s got the same problem.

But there’s no time to dwell on that with all the Friends™ drama around!

“The One Without Christmas”

The cat’s finally out the bag and Joey knows about Mondler.

I’m surprised no-one worked it out sooner. There’s a lot of suspicious behaviour, and with Monica and Joey going on a trip together… hrrm where have I seen this before?

Ok, I can’t talk; it was several months before I found out about Chandler and Joey Number 1’s tryst. It seems so long ago now.

It’s funny that the dumbest character works things out first, even if it makes everyone else seem stupid by comparison. Especially when Phoebe and Rachel aren’t remotely suspicious of Chandler and Monica bundling Joey into a room after he starts screaming. My wife get’s suspicious of me when she thinks I’m spending too long in the toilet.

“That’s cause I know you’re on your phone…”

Hey, stop reading over my shoulder! Or I’ll take this laptop to the bathroom.

Like a lot of us, Chonica’s first trip alone together is a little stressful. They get in their first fight after it’s ruined by each of their feebles. Monica demands a clean room, and Chandler gets distracted by the TV. Pfft, this is so unrealistic. I would never get upset by mess or distracted by a screen …

Hang on, THIS IS CLEARLY THE SAME ROOM EACH TIME. Given they’ve just spared no expense on three episodes in London you’d think the producers would put out for two hotel room sets. Maybe the cast have had a payrise? Oh wow, yes. At this point they’re getting $100,000 an episode. EACH. That’s four times their season one pay! Maybe I need to up my career game?

I could always go on the Apprentice™ (lol, no). Joey works it out after both Chandler and Monica claim to have seen a pre-Apprentice Donald Trump waiting for an elevator. Shame they didn’t push him down the shaft.

(Strange to think just a year later he’ll be running for President)

Even as Joey’s getting dumber, he’s showing a knack for the sort of smart-brained dumbness that Trump espouses. With things coming to a head over Emily demanding Ross give up Rachel, the gang once again find themselves locked in a bedroom, listening in. And this time Joey prepared snacks.

Why are they all always together when the big moments play out? Is it just because they hang out way more than me and my mates?? Is it me that’s unusual or the Friends™?

I remember we always used to wonder what would happen if some of us broke up. Mercifully we’ve never had many “Kips”. Though I wonder if that’s only because there’s been less break-ups… God that’s a terrifying thought, at any point we could lose someone forever in a messy break-up. Closest we’ve come on the break up front is Chandler and Joey and they are probably the most absent, although that’s through work rather than any emotional fallout.

Hrrm, I don’t envy Ross or Rachel. I wonder what I would do in this situation? Ross’s decision seems a lot harder when you consider how it would affect Rachel’s friendships too.

What would I do? Probably just move to England, mate.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

As Christmas approaches, my ever-keen wife is determined to bagsie a good tree this year.

Her and her mother set aside their traditional “Christmas Tree Day” to pick out a good one.

But it turns out they were a little too keen. When they arrived at the garden centre there were no trees there! Just a solitary attendant telling them to “come back in a few weeks.”

Think we’ve finally got proof it is possible to love Christmas™ TOO much.