Real Live Friends Season 10

Paul Rudd and Phoebe are planning their wedding!

It’s nice seeing Ross make Chandler laugh for a change, joking about his future wedding(s). It didn’t quite have the same impact when I tried that joke with my wife.

Things are a little frosty at the moment (and not just because it’s nearly Christmas). I’ve received a tantalising offer! My recent efforts to progress my writing career have landed me a job…

BUT it would require an extended stay in New York™

As you can imagine, taking another, longer, leave of absence from parenting is some source of consternation.

Thankfully I’ve got a few weeks at home to deliberate over the holidays.

Let's just get through Christmas first, then see how we feel.

“The One With the Job Offer”

Paul Rudd and Phoebe are also struggling with a big decision.

They decided to donate their wedding fund to charity. (Tis the season…) But are now having second thoughts after Monica got in Phoebe's head. Classic Monica.

You get the feeling Paul Rudd would (wisely) go along with whatever Phoebe wants here. After all, it is her big day. Perhaps it’s for the best given he seems unaware of his own name. Who is this “Mike Hannigan” of which you speak?

I’m a little confused why this is “The One With the Home Study”. I mean, I’m sitting in my home study right now. But that can’t be it? Oh wait, it’s because Chandler and Monica are having an “adoption home study”. Right. But looks like they might be tanking their chances by being generally weird and highly strung. Also we just found out Joey once ghosted the social worker… and, unfortunately, has planned to come round to impress her with his celebrity status.

Hang on, guys. Why don’t I just text him and tell him not to come?

Things go from ghosting to worse though. Joey breaks in with a bat, and then fully gaslights the poor woman into thinking SHE was supposed to ring HIM after their date. Even lying that he’s spent all these years pining after her. Piece of shit.

Back at the children’s charity, Phoebe and Paul Rudd are trying to donate A SECOND TIME, after withdrawing their first donation. Oh my god. If you can’t decide, simply donate HALF of it and spend the rest on the wedding! It’s not hard… If you ask me, Paul Rudd needs to work on his “dad logic” skills if he really wants to show he’s ready for marriage.

Still, he’d probably make a better parent than Rachel who, it turns out, has NEVER taken Emma to a playground?? Isn’t she over a year old now?! What the hell has she been doing this whole time?

It was great fun pushing my kid on the swing with Ross Number 1 last week. Rachel should try it some time! But it turns out she’s got some unresolved childhood trauma from falling off a swing. Ross persuades her it’ll be OK. Before getting kicked in the head. It’s amazing that’s never happened to me or my kids. But we have had a few swings and misses.

Ross shocks the kids in the playground by ALMOST (but not quite) swearing in front of them. He wants to keep away from my kids. They know enough swearwords already…

I recall seeing a study a few years ago (not a home study…) which concluded that Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe, swear less than the boys. (Unless you add Janice in, then the women win…) I tried to find it just now but came up with a newer study that concludes the opposite. The girls swear more than the boys. With number one being Rachel!

Not that surprising, when you consider how much she puts up with from Ross.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I can relate to Rachels fears a little. Though am sad for her. Adult swing time is one of the best things about parenting!

Nevertheless, she’s right that it can be a little nerve wracking doing dangerous stuff with your kids.

Only this weekend we took them to Winter Wonderland™ (2 stars). And this year it was my turn to go down the “death slide” with them. Ok. So the proper name is “Ice Slide”. But I was properly terrified! Apparently I’m the only one who remembers last year seeing a grown man flip over at the bottom and almost brain his child into the tarmac.

My kids, and everyone else, seemed completely oblivious to the danger, so I took a deep breath, sucked in everyone else's joy, and got through it.

And if that’s not a survival strategy for Christmas, I don’t know what is.

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10.6 - “The One Where I Watch The One With Ross’s Grant”

16/12/2024

We’re all delighted Phoebe’s engaged!

Even if Chandler can’t remember her fiance's name.

“Phoebe and, I wanna say, Mike”?

NO, it’s Paul Rudd. Get with the programme.

Durh.

To celebrate, Phoebe gifts her little black book to Rachel, her last single friend… I don’t think any of us would have predicted THIS ten years ago. Chandler laments not doing the same for Ross. Not that Ross would have taken it, given it only contains Janice (And Kathy though right?? MMMmmm Kathy).

Don’t worry, Rachel, there’ll be plenty of divorcees out there soon! Just give it a few more years.

One couple that are NOT divorced, is my Ross Number One.

(Bad Ross, bad!!)

It looks like they’re gonna make it all the way to the end. Congratulations!

I took my eldest to stay with them this weekend, and had a great time. Catching up, playing games, and doing nice family stuff. Ross did make a bit of an error. Booking us a nice visit to see Santa, then realising he’d booked the wrong day.

Though not quite as bad as getting a terrible fake tan…

My daughter took it surprisingly well. But she has already seen Santa six times this year. You have to wonder how long it’ll be before she notices they all look different.

Speaking of sexy older men…

It’s nice to see more evidence of Phoebe’s predilection for the type. Her little black book apparently includes one man that’s dead, one who fought in World War 2 (surely dead now too?), and the entirety of Jethro Tull who, the burgeoning internet informs me, are in their late fifties.

Or should that be late 70s?

Sorry, I’m a bit confused again.

“The One With the Stapler”

There’s a lot of nepotism kicking around still. Or, anti-nepotism, if you will. (And if you wont, why not?!)

Joey’s trying to convince Chandler to put him in an advert. And Ross is struggling to get a new research grant, after it turns out the person doing the approval process is Wheeler’s ex.

Hrrm. Who does this guy remind me of? I want to say… Oscar? Can’t put my finger on it. But, it’s fair to say, he sucks.

Maybe I’d remember better if I could hear a word he’s saying. The kids are swarming round me, playing and chatting. Honestly, I spent all weekend trying to make time for my friends (both New York, and otherwise) only to end up juggling both with the kids. It really is true, your mid thirties you gradually lose your friends and only have your family. You have to wonder how much time left we all have here.

I suppose work is the exception. You see your colleagues almost every day. Then (likely) never again once you leave. So weird.

Unless you’re lucky enough to work together, like Joey is trying to do with Chandler! He sends him his showreel, but can tell immediately Chandler’s lying about watching it because Chandler doesn’t mention…

ICHIBAN.

(Lipstick for men)

This lives rent free in my head.

Along with GLADYS.

I’m surprised to see them pop up at the same time. Almost as surprised as Monica and Rachel, when Phoebe shows up with a second, even more horrible painting, to get them to play nice. They could learn a little something from my kids who, to give them their due, are getting much better at sharing and playing together. The elder one particularly is getting wonderful at sharing with and caring for her brother.

Almost to the point of insufferability.

It’s lovely you’re being nice, but you don’t have to be so smug about it.

There was some excellent art at Ross Number 1’s. Which made me a little sad I don’t have any of my own. Well, I have one random Dali picture that came with the house. But am only allowed to get it up in my study. (Sorry, phrasing…) Maybe I should fill the room with nice pieces? Hah. As if. Have you seen the price of art? And not to mention the food crisis. The other day I saw a banana that cost six million.

Oh well, I’ll always have my computer background to display a bit of culture.

Though Ichiban and Gladys live forever etched on my memory, I still can’t, for the life of me, remember who Wheeler’s ex reminds me of.

I’m also not quite convinced of his plan, withholding the grant from Ross unless he agrees to dump Wheeler. Surely Ross could just threaten to report him to his work? Or go tell Charlie?

Eventually the latter is what he does. Which backfires spectacularly when Wheeler decides it’s “All So Romantic!” Errr… no? Jesus, what kind of books did YOU read growing up. They kiss, and Ross is out the picture. Ah well, easy come easy go.

Maybe he should have taken Chandler’s little black book after all?

…

GREG KINNEAR.

THAT’s who he reminds me of.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Before heading off for the weekend, I popped back to my old office for this year's Christmas party. A great time including lots of free drink (suitcase full of wine…), a specially written quiz (team name: Quiztina Aguilera), and a challenge to dress your teammate as a Christmas tree. Boy did I regret wearing my green jumper…

I also took the piss a little, jokingly hiding one of my ex-colleagues staplers in some jelly.

And no, I’m not joking.

What are they gona do? Fire me?

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10.5 - “The One Where I Watch The One Where Rachel’s Sister Babysits”

7/12/2024

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Siblings are difficult aren’t they? You learn so much from them growing up. How to play, how to share, how to fight. And then you grow up, and mostly put the latter into practise.

Rachel’s sister Christina Applegate is back after last Thanksgiving. And oblivious as ever. Or should I say unaware? Ignorant? Heedless?

Joey is writing a letter of recommendation to the adoption agency for Chandler and Monica. Ross showed us how to use a thesaurus to help out. So I’ve been putting that into practise… execution?

Of course. NOWADAYS, you’d probably use an AI to write it FOR you, wouldn’t you? Not like the good old days, before the robots. Droids. Androids. Automatons. Mechanoids.

Bots.

In the end Joey goes old school and gives a handwritten recommendation. Which turns out super well, when they assume it was written by a child. My kids' writing is coming along now. She’s very adept at her own name. I had no idea learning to read and write was so slow! It’s hard to think back 30 years and have an accurate (faultless, meticulous) idea of how long it took when I did it.

And look at me now. Barely using a spellchecker. REACHING into the depths of my consciousness and drawing out HIGH QUALITY Friends™ related content.

It makes me wonder what my own children will come to write. Or if they’ll even write at all?

It might just all be video blogs by then.

“The One Where I Realise I Should Have Embraced Vlogging Instead of Blogging”

Phoebe and Paul Rudd are off to the Knicks game to celebrate their anniversary. (Incidentally, very much NOT how I thought you spelt “Knicks”)

One guy shoots Phoebe an annoyed look when she asks him to remove his nachos from her seat. I don’t really get this. Like when people make a big fuss from being asked to move their bag on a train. Seats are for sitting, my dude.

Shockingly, it turns out Paul Rudd intends to propose on the big screen! But bottles it after Phoebe criticises his method. Then she reverses it at the next game and proposes to him! To a chorus of boos. Hopefully these days people wouldn’t be such pricks to a woman publicly proposing at a ball game. Though it’s hard to tell with recent American developments.

It’s crazy they’ve got engaged. Mainly because my best friend, someone else I never thought would get married, has just done the same! And, get this… They even have the same name! (Gonna say Paul Rudd to avoid giving away an actual name here). Weird.

Unlike Phoebe/Rudd they’ve been with their partner this entire time. It’s bizarre to realise that somehow, despite being my best friend, they have yet to do anything suitably “Friendsy” enough to become a Real Live Friend. It’s delightful they have finally joined the roster and achieved Paul Rudd Number 1 status.

Dare I say it, possibly becoming the final Real Live Friend in the process? Time will tell.

Anyway, back to Rachel’s sister. Much like me forgetting my Best Friend all these years, she’s forgotten who Ross is. Thinking he’s a guy who sells her falafel, and not her sister's ex-husband. She seems to have a bad track record for forgetting inconvenient acquaintances; recently becoming engaged to her ex-boyfriends dad. Is that even legal?

Her level of narcissism (self-love, vanity, egoism) somehow exceeds my own, and even extends to her forgetting the name of her niece.

Maybe she should get her memory checked out?

Or maybe she just spends too much time on social media...

What is it about younger sisters and being wrapped up in their own little world (and choosing terrible men).

I’ve recently alluded to some of my sister's difficulties these last few years. Perhaps it’s time to go into a few more specifics now she’s doing a little better?

Rachel persuades her sister to dump her unsuitable man. Which turns out to be much easier for her than my sister. After dealing very poorly with the pandemic, she had a psychotic break, leaving her experience of life, shall we say, a little out of sync with the rest of us. As you can imagine, this was very difficult for the whole family. And went much further than thinking one of us had once sold her falafel.

I hope you’ll forgive me for not addressing this while it was ongoing. To be honest, it was none of your business. Though rest assured, if I’d come to watch “The One Where Joey Accuses Everyone of Being Peadophiles” I’d have been the first to mention it.

Mercifully we (eventually) were able to get her the help she needed and, as I’ve mentioned, she’s doing a lot better. Having some contact with the kids again, and catching up on lost time.

But her recovery was severely hampered by a parasitic man who weaseled his way into her life (and flat), despite being fully aware of her mental health difficulties, and refused to leave for around a year. Even as they broke up, and their relationship became increasingly toxic, he would not leave, and became increasingly unpleasant before she finally managed to get rid of him.

It’s a great relief he’s gone. But it’s an experience that has changed all of us.

Still, it could have been worse. She could’ve got my kids ears pierced whilst babysitting!

It’s funny I’ve been talking a lot about how little babysitting Rachel and Ross get. And now we have Christina Applegate babysitting Ella! (Sorry: “Emma”). AND piercing her ears without the parents consent.

From a purely selfish parenting perspective, it’s frustrating we haven’t been able to use my sister for babysitting. Not least because, having formerly worked in schools, she’s actually great with kids!

But the nature of her condition, sadly, means there’s a huge amount of trust to be rebuilt.

It also has massive ramifications (consequences, implications…) for our past relationship. I’ve had to completely re-analyse her claims regarding our secret half-brother. (Remember that??) Looking back I realise my entire experience of it only came through things she told me.

Did it really happen? Was this part of some earlier fantasy we were unaware of?

After several years, I’m now leaning more towards the latter. But am I perhaps taking the easier option? Why can’t I simply ask my parents? Because you don’t rock the boat. It’s rule number one in our family. And, surely, they’ve suffered enough the past few years?

For a long time, I’ve put the needs of the rest of them beyond my own need to know (and express) the truth. Whenever my thoughts turn back to it, I find myself thinking more philosophically. Does it really matter? Why always obsess over what’s truth and what’s fiction? Practically it makes no difference to me, one way or the other. You may wonder how I can cope with not knowing for certain. But the older I get, the more I feel like the question itself was more interesting than what may have come from asking it.

Question everything you know. But not too much. Lest you become my sister…

How can something that felt so major half a decade ago, now feel so small when put up against keeping my family together?

I’m sorry if this is unsatisfying. Sometimes life is like that, questions with no resolutions. It is my life after all.

And, hey, we’ll always have Frank Jnr.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

On a lighter note. I had to pitch to one of my New York associates recently. They didn’t have much time on their trip, so proposed we go for a run together in one of London’s many parks. (FAR SUPERIOR, I might add, to New York's offering).

My desperation got the better of me, and I agreed. Why not? I’ve done a few runs the last couple of years? I can’t be as bad as Phoebe.

Not so, it turns out. Keeping up whilst talking at the same time was a massive struggle. Dodging tourists, dogs, and people on their bikes, I tried to make my best impression, without keeling over.

God. They must have felt like they were being pitched by the asthmatic kid in Malcolm in the Middle™

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10.4 - “The One Where I Watch The One With the Cake”

25/11/2024

It’s Emma’s first birthday, and all the adults want to get out of it.

I’m with Chandler. The kid has no idea what’s going on.

She probably doesn’t even know if her dad is Joey or Ross.

I mostly feel sorry for Chandler (and Monica) here. Having to miss out on a holiday to Vermont! Mad they wouldn’t just go.

It makes me think a lot about my weekend just gone. Lost to two days of kids parties. And now I’ve got to go to ANOTHER kids party!

It was my wife’s birthday this weekend too. So we finally got some time to go out to dinner, with the kids fobbed off on the grandparents. For completely unexplainable reasons we decided we would also stay at the grandparents. And lamely made our way back after dinner. The days of going for afters apparently long behind us.

I think we might have been sensing something. As, once again, our youngest spent the whole night waking up and screaming for no reason.

New York seems a long way away.

“The One With the Road”

It’s a good job Rachel has broken up with Joey. Given he didn’t even get Emma a present. But, man, does he know how to read a kids book…

He left all of us crying after giving a reading in lieu of the present. Thankfully not reading the first book he picked up… one on coping with post-partum depression. Woah, is everything OK Rachel? I’m here if you need to talk, there’s no shame. And also, is there any chance I could please borrow that book some time?

Phoebe gave “the gift of song” which was markedly less well received than Joey’s reading. I can’t help but be reminded of my own sister, who regularly offers to record songs instead of getting presents for members of our family.

I can’t remember exactly how much detail I’ve given on all that’s gone on with her, but it’s nice to be able to say she’s doing well and we’re looking forward to seeing her at Christmas. Just, please, no more songs.

Ross is making a home movie to show Emma when she’s grown up. And Phoebe’s imagining what it’ll be like eighteen years from now, will we all be living on floating cities to escape the ant people? To be fair, she’s not that far off what the year 2020 was actually like.

Joey decides to use the video to hit on future Emma and her friends, despite the fact he’ll be 52 when they turn 18. Who does he think he is? Cormac Mccarthy? Hit The Road™ Joe.
It seems everyone’s misjudging the tone of the video.

Jack and Judy Geller talk about how they might be dead in eighteen years… This is not unlike a lot of the home videos we made during the pandemic (no, not THAT type of home movie). As we waited for our first to be born, we started a video diary of our excitement, which quickly turned sour once we had to catalogue the announcement of lockdown and our descent into madness.

But we laughed through it, developing a morbid running joke which started when we saw our cat “oh look, there’s Arthur” and one of us ad libbed “hopefully you know who they are”. This extended across all our family’s cats. Until one day one of us said the line after “oh look there’s nanny”, and we thought it best to stop.

I’m happy to say both the Gellers are still with us! Along with nanny. Our cat is too. But not for much longer if he keeps shitting on the floor.

Jack’s knack for survival apparently started early, when he dodged the draft for Korea. Honestly, with an attitude like that he could become president!

The party’s getting on a bit so it’s time to break out the cake.

But OH NO. There’s been a cock up. Literally. The cake looks like a dick. This gives Joey more sexual confusion than his best friends 18 year old daughter.

And now we all need to wait while it gets sorted out.

Great.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be over here reading this book and wishing I was somewhere else.
Chandler has similar ideas. Or so it seems. Sneaking off to the bathroom to escape out the window. Well, that was what we thought. Turns out he just needed a shit.

This gave us all a bit of an eyeful. Not for the first time lately! In fact, not even the second.
On holiday with my wife’s family, poor nanny saw her son-in-law on full display after her son thought it’d be funny to pull down his swimming trunks. (He was right, it was funny). And she’s now completed the set…

In the chaos of my child waking up through the night, he moved to the bed with my wife, and I went to his room. Later, my wife snuck him back to the cot. And I was woken in the morning with him, once again, screaming. Right as I threw the covers off and sat upright, who should walk in and turn the light on, but nanny!

Honestly, a cake feels tame in comparison.

Sorry, while I’ve been telling you this a few things have happened. Rachel and Ross left to fix the cake. And everyone snuck out, leaving just me, Chandler, and Monica with the baby.
To be fair, Joey and Phoebe had pretty decent excuses. They both needed to go to work. (And nice to hear Estelle’s voice again, she’s been with us almost since the beginning. It feels like a while since we’ve seen her. But actually only about fifteen months. It’s funny how some people can have such a big impact on your life, despite only being there for a short space of time).

I also think Monica SHOULD be the one to stay, to be honest. Given she’s a blood relative. Or Jack and Judy. But he dodged doing a bit of childcare quicker than he dodged the Korea draft.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. They’re back, Ross has managed to make the cake look like a rabbit. And let’s not mention that Phoebe apparently spiked her client to get out of massaging them.

Boy, that’s a lot of cake for one baby. Don’t these guys have any other parent friends?

Besides me that is.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A great prophet once sang:

“Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who?”

And now, we know the answer.

It was Doctor Phalange’s kid.

Last week I took my children to visit, the front door opened, and we were greeted by an excited three year old. And a much MORE excited dog. As I tried to stop him licking/biting my childs face, a very stressed, new mother ran to the door shouting after him.

Much like how my two year old would react in this situation, the dog took this as his cue to run away as fast as possible. And the poor woman tore off after him, as he ran straight out the driveway into a main road!

Fortunately nothing bad came of it. But I can’t help be reminded of the moment a dog ran out and hit my car all those years ago…

What’s that old expression? “History often repeats itself, once as tragedy, the second time as farce?”

Anyway, good luck to Donald Trump on his second term.

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10.3 - “The One Where I Watch The One With Ross’s Tan”

10/11/2024

As I wait to hear if anything will come from my trip to New York, it seems like a good time to catch up with my Friends™

First up it’s “Sex Tips With Joey”.

Apparently you’re supposed to look deep in their eyes and lightly touch their leg? Who knew. I’ve always found it requires a real conscious effort to look someone in the eye. Hrrm. This might explain why so few of my partners stuck around after the first time…

I’ve tried lightly touching my wife’s leg but she complains it’s too tickly.

But Chandler seems to love it when Joey demonstrates on him. Could this be the start of yet another inter-Friends™ relationship?

It seems not, as it mostly fills them with a desire to play Table Football™ and drink beer.

I’ve never known beer to cool things down in a sexy situation. So this seems a little risky to me…

“The One Where My Friends™ Copy Me”

Monica and Phoebe are discussing cutting out an old friend they haven’t seen in years. Who apparently lived in Chandler & Joey’s apartment before they did?

CAN you really cut someone out if you haven’t seen them for ten years? Seems more like a long term drifting apart than cutting off. The quiet-quitting of ending a friendship. But this “Amanda” is coming back to the US from England and trying to reconnect.

Wait, am I Amanda?!

No, there she is. The main issue with her (apart from her newly acquired “English” accent) is she makes EVERYTHING about herself. And what, exactly, is wrong with that?! God, I hope they don’t cut ME out.

I better renew my efforts to pretend I’m interested in their lives…

I should probably take this moment to reassure the people I haven’t seen for a few years, and those abroad. I will NEVER cut you off. Feel free to get in touch whenever you’re about. Please don’t leave me… God, don’t leave me. It’s so cold in here… with only Americans for company. 50% of whom, I’m pretty sure I don’t like.

From outside it definitely seems like a bad time to be an American. But I’m reasonably sure my middle class, white, New York dwelling Friends™ will be OK. Although Phoebe did just randomly refer to being tortured in the past. I really hope that’s a past life thing and not that she’s had a stretch in Guantanamo.

On a lighter note, Joey and Rachel are finally having their first proper date! (Once she gets him away from Chandler’s leg). Turns out (a bit like my wife) she’s not a huge fan of having her leg lightly touched. And keeps slapping his hand away.

Then he struggles to get her bra off. Oh no, this isn’t going how they’d hoped… Step aside Joe, let me show you how it’s done.

But hang on, if THEY’RE on a date, the others are in the room opposite with Stiflers Mom, and Ross is off getting a fake tan:

Who has the baby??

How different life must be, living opposite your friends, having them to babysit whenever you want to go on a date. (Even if they never seem to).

On the subject of Ross’s tan, it’s a little embarrassing that poorly applied fake tan has already happened to my wife. Embarrassing for them to take things from my life. They must be running out of ideas.

Looking back at that time, Joey was first grappling with his feelings for Rachel (has it been that long?), and I was trying to read the Velveteen Rabbit™ to my daughter.

It makes me sad to realise that, almost two years later, we still haven’t moved onto it. Though my wife has kicked her terribly applied fake tan addiction.

Having two children at the moment is something I’m struggling with. Even as they both get nicer (the eldest is an absolute sweety now), you’re still constantly being batted between the two of them. It often feels like the second one of them stops being unpleasant, the other one starts up. And, as much as I love being right, it’s deeply disappointing to find that my prediction they’d fight all the time is a lot truer than my wifes prediction that they’d make things easier by playing together.

The mornings when you do wake up and hear them chatting away quite happily is lovely. Rather than the nights no-one sleeps because the new one has decided he’d rather spend a few hours screaming for no reason than sleep.

Aside from the day to day difficulties, lately my mind has been brought down by feeling sad for how much my relationship with my eldest has suffered through all the attention being brought on the little one.

We’ve started addressing this by setting out more one on one time for her. But it does little to alleviate my sadness for how little we’ve progressed the books we’ve been reading to her. It’s just easier to meet them in the middle by reading something they can both get into.

Likewise, a HUGE source of argument now is which TV shows to watch, invariably ending with the youngest having little say, but my daughter being stuck on the same baby crap that has some appeal to him. And the whole time I’m there, getting frustrated that actually, I’d quite like to watch something on my day off please, rather than continuing my existence as a human remote control.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Back to my Friends™

Joey and Rachel are discussing their issue. And ask Chandler what it was like with him and Monica.

He replies that it was like “I can’t believe we haven’t been doing this the whole time”.

Which makes me smile. That was how I felt with my wife. Just over a decade ago now. Back when Amanda was still our friend.

But it’s bad news for Joey and Rachel. They decide, maybe, their friendship is just too close for them to feel comfortable fucking.

I feel like Joey gives up quite easily here. Given he’s been into her for two years! AND all they’ve been through with Ross.

But then, she did kneel on his nuts.

Maybe, he decides it’s just not worth the risk.

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10.2 - “The One Where I Watch The One Where Ross is Fine”

3/11/2024

And just like that…

I’ve left New York™

And no I didn’t have any Sex in the City™ (I didn’t bang a cosmopolitan drinker, though I did drink a banging Cosmopolitan).

It’s a bit annoying to be heading off right as my American friends are settling in after Barbados. After so many years following their goings on I’d really like to meet them.

And I’m missing all the drama too! As Ross catches Rachel and Joey about to finally have sex.

I mean. I’m pretty sure they’ve done it before. Just not with each other…

Imagine you’re in Ross’s position for a second. You find your best friends making out with your first crush/ex/third wife/baby mama. You probably would react a little strange, but it’s fair to say he goes full on Sheldon.

And still, he could be worse:

Hang on, I’m boarding my flight now. I’ll have to finish catching up once I’m home.

“The One With the Cocktails”

Ok, thanks to the magic of the subheading, I am home. WIth only the memories of hanging around with my new writer friends, sharing our love of sitcoms, and, perhaps, a few too many cosmopolitans. When in Rome…

But now I am not in Rome, and forced to grapple again with the vagaries of parenthood. What do you know, I’m not the only one!

Oh my god. I can’t believe how big they are, I’m a little overcome with emotion. Five years, gone in a flash. It feels like only yesterday Phoebe was handing them over, as I set myself up on the road to parenthood too. I guess I must have thought “if Frank can do it, so can I”.

We’ve been feeling time slipping away a lot lately. As our eldest suddenly seems huge, and the youngest now speaks in full sentences. It doesn’t help that lack of sleep stops the formation of memories. (Along with my rampant phone addiction.)

Frank’s had it much worse than me, as he rasps “I haven’t slept in four years…” It’s so bad he’s asking Phoebe to take one off his hands! A little insensitive to the loss she must have felt these past five years… Though, strangely, she never seems to mention that.

If Frank’s so desperate, why doesn’t he just give one to Mondler? They’re still looking to adopt. But not little Chandler. I don’t think real Chandler would cope very well with raising a girl with his name.

I’m not sure he’s actually that ready for parenthood anyway, after he responds to Phoebe talking about Frank with “everytime you say triplets I think of three blonde nineteen year olds.”

Ew.

At least it wasn’t “I think of nineteen blonde three year olds.”

Chanica are heading further down their adoption route, getting some advice from one of Phoebe’s mates who adopted. It’s going well, until Chandler accidentally lets slip to the kid that he’s adopted!

Yerh, no shit. His real parents are these guys.

Eh, I’m sure knowing he’s adopted won’t do him any harm. Before you know it, he’ll be all grown up and married to a pop star.

Back at home, I’ve been sharing my newfound cocktail expertise. And, strangely, so has Ross. To show everyone just how FINE he is, he arranges a double date for Rachel and Ross Joey, and Charlie. It feels like the latter is rapidly being sidelined...

She suggests Ross may be an alcoholic, after he goes nuts and drinks one too many MarghaRITa’s. Doesn’t she know that JOEY’s the one with the drinking problem!? God. Doesn’t anyone read this…

Ross goes so weird it ruins the whole evening, and puts the breakers on Joey and Rachel.
Meh. He’d get over it eventually. I’m still team Joey here.

The next day they have a, hungover, heart to heart.

“We haven’t been a couple in like, six years”

Yerh. No shit.

“Maybe it’s time we all moved on”

We can only hope…

And, (just like that), he gives his blessing to Joey.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I got a spiky response from Rachel Number 1 to last weeks entry. After they noticed I accidentally posted their REAL name!! Hrrm, I guess some people are still reading…

I quickly fixed it, and sent my apologies, wishing them well for their time in France.

Don’t know what came over me, normally I’m really on it when it comes to reality. I’m gona blame it on the jetlag.

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10.1 - “The One Where I Watch The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss”

19/10/2024

At last. Here we are! The tenth year. The home straight.

And here I am. New York. The big fruit. And the big apple. Together at last.

JFK once said “Most cities are nouns, but New York is a verb.” And I certainly seem to be doing a lot, as I navigate the bustling streets of Manhattan to try and make the most of my trip.

It’s always a little strange being in New York. A place I’ve visited so many times through various media. Spiderman™ videogames, Grand Theft Auto™’s “Liberty City”, not to mention the numerous appearances in film and TV. Both times I’ve come in real life, there’s been an uncanny valley feeling of already having been here much more than I actually have. A strange unexpected side effect of our digital world, as we move to ever more impressive fictional realities.

I’m not the only one doing some travelling. Of our original gang, we’ve almost got a Friends Royal Flush of people who’ve moved away:

My Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2 have just gone to France. Taking their little Emma Number 1 with them.

Joey Number 1 is long gone. Last I heard, somewhere in Scandinavia, perhaps lusting after busty blondes like his namesake?

Chandler Number 1 is travelling round for work. Although at least I managed to see them fairly recently. To confirm that (unlike me) they are not pursuing a career in writing like Chandler is.

Likewise Monica Number 2 is abroad, though I suspect not a chef.

And lets not even mention David the Science Guy, who is now doing LITERALLY THE SAME JOB AS HIS AMERICAN NAMESAKE and trying to prove the existence of new physics particles. Lets hope he has more success than Phoebe’s one. He’s certainly doing better with the ladies, like me, married with two kids. Whereas American David’s just been spurned by Phoebe for Paul Rudd.

And now Paul Rudd needs to break up with his Girlfriend! And on her birthday too. Yikes.

I attended a birthday party with a friend on my first night here, feeling a little awkward at not having a present. I was doing my best to meet some new people, (purely for networking purposes I should stress, in case my wife is reading), but my mate kept trying to tell me about this dream they had about me having wooden teeth! So annoying.

It’s also a bit annoying being introduced to people as an aspiring comedy writer to be honest. People keep saying things like “watch out what you say to this guy, he’ll put it in his act”. They think they’re so damn original.

But the weirdest thing was, when I arrived at the friends flat where I’m staying, I found out their parents are here from out of town and sleeping on the sofa bed! I know the city’s supposed to be crowded, but this is something else.

Yet another irritating thing about my trip, is I can’t even meet up with my American Friends™ while I’m here, as they’re still in Barbados!

“The One With the Parents Sleepover”

Firstly. Lets just get this out in the open. Monica is WAY too enthusiastic about listening to her brother have sex.

Her, Phoebe, and Chandler are staying in the middle room, and overhear both Ross getting with Charlie, AND Rachel hooking up with Joey.

But just as it’s getting good, Ross decides to go get permission from Joey to steal his girlfriend. But only finds a confused Rachel, after Chandler extracts Joey from the hotel room with the efficiency of an SAS/SWAT team.

After Ross leaves, the others confess their perving to Joey and Rachel. But rather than giving them some privacy, they act incredibly creepy and insensitive about the situation. Not that it matters as both Joey and Rachel can’t get Ross out of their head anyway.

So they decide to clear the air with him first. Maybe I’m misremembering here, but I feel like Ross already gave Joey his blessing with Rachel after the whole “fake proposal” thing?
It’s amazing how much being older changes things. The level of respect and communication of a thirty something is far removed from the actions of a young adult in a similiar situation. The closest I came to this was in my first year of university where I, to my shame, conducted a double betrayal. Cheating on my new partner with my new best friends ex.

Thinking back to then I can see why Joey might be so concerned. Although our friendship recovered it was never quite the same. And it’s safe to say our relationships with the women involved were significantly more damaged.

In the end Joey bottles telling Ross on the plane home. Though at least tells Ross he’s totally fine with the Charlie thing. And Rachel bottles it too, after seeing how angry Ross gets over his bottles of stolen hotel shampoo breaking on the way home. Sadly, bottling things up lest you anger your partner is, I’m sure, something we can all relate.

But, I feel the obvious solution here is, why don’t Joey and Rachel BOTH just tell him? Oh wait… that’s what they’re going to do. Until they leave it too late and Ross catches them at it!

Drama.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

In an attempt to control her unruly hair, Monica gets some cornrows, which she loves, but leaves the rest of us feeling uneasy.

Strangely, this is another thing that happened in my life. Back at university, one summer Rachel Number 1 got some, very stylish, beautifully done cornrows before we went off on holiday. Which, at the time, we all pretended looked great, but with hindsight, would nowadays be castigated as cultural appropriation.