Real Live Friends Season 10

10.07 - “The One Where I Watch The One With the Home Study”

22/12/2024

"I'm busy, where's a good jumping in point?"

Paul Rudd and Phoebe are planning their wedding!

It’s nice seeing Ross make Chandler laugh for a change, joking about his future wedding(s). It didn’t quite have the same impact when I tried that joke with my wife.

Things are a little frosty at the moment (and not just because it’s nearly Christmas). I’ve received a tantalising offer! My recent efforts to progress my writing career have landed me a job…

BUT it would require an extended stay in New York™

As you can imagine, taking another, longer, leave of absence from parenting is some source of consternation.

Thankfully I’ve got a few weeks at home to deliberate over the holidays.

Let's just get through Christmas first, then see how we feel.

“The One With the Job Offer”

Paul Rudd and Phoebe are also struggling with a big decision.

They decided to donate their wedding fund to charity. (Tis the season…) But are now having second thoughts after Monica got in Phoebe's head. Classic Monica.

You get the feeling Paul Rudd would (wisely) go along with whatever Phoebe wants here. After all, it is her big day. Perhaps it’s for the best given he seems unaware of his own name. Who is this “Mike Hannigan” of which you speak?

I’m a little confused why this is “The One With the Home Study”. I mean, I’m sitting in my home study right now. But that can’t be it? Oh wait, it’s because Chandler and Monica are having an “adoption home study”. Right. But looks like they might be tanking their chances by being generally weird and highly strung. Also we just found out Joey once ghosted the social worker… and, unfortunately, has planned to come round to impress her with his celebrity status.

Hang on, guys. Why don’t I just text him and tell him not to come?

Things go from ghosting to worse though. Joey breaks in with a bat, and then fully gaslights the poor woman into thinking SHE was supposed to ring HIM after their date. Even lying that he’s spent all these years pining after her. Piece of shit.

Back at the children’s charity, Phoebe and Paul Rudd are trying to donate A SECOND TIME, after withdrawing their first donation. Oh my god. If you can’t decide, simply donate HALF of it and spend the rest on the wedding! It’s not hard… If you ask me, Paul Rudd needs to work on his “dad logic” skills if he really wants to show he’s ready for marriage.

Still, he’d probably make a better parent than Rachel who, it turns out, has NEVER taken Emma to a playground?? Isn’t she over a year old now?! What the hell has she been doing this whole time?

It was great fun pushing my kid on the swing with Ross Number 1 last week. Rachel should try it some time! But it turns out she’s got some unresolved childhood trauma from falling off a swing. Ross persuades her it’ll be OK. Before getting kicked in the head. It’s amazing that’s never happened to me or my kids. But we have had a few swings and misses.

Ross shocks the kids in the playground by ALMOST (but not quite) swearing in front of them. He wants to keep away from my kids. They know enough swearwords already…

I recall seeing a study a few years ago (not a home study…) which concluded that Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe, swear less than the boys. (Unless you add Janice in, then the women win…) I tried to find it just now but came up with a newer study that concludes the opposite. The girls swear more than the boys. With number one being Rachel!

Not that surprising, when you consider how much she puts up with from Ross.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I can relate to Rachels fears a little. Though am sad for her. Adult swing time is one of the best things about parenting!

Nevertheless, she’s right that it can be a little nerve wracking doing dangerous stuff with your kids.

Only this weekend we took them to Winter Wonderland™ (2 stars). And this year it was my turn to go down the “death slide” with them. Ok. So the proper name is “Ice Slide”. But I was properly terrified! Apparently I’m the only one who remembers last year seeing a grown man flip over at the bottom and almost brain his child into the tarmac.

My kids, and everyone else, seemed completely oblivious to the danger, so I took a deep breath, sucked in everyone else's joy, and got through it.

And if that’s not a survival strategy for Christmas, I don’t know what is.

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10.6 - “The One Where I Watch The One With Ross’s Grant”

16/12/2024

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"I'm busy, where's a good jumping in point?"

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We’re all delighted Phoebe’s engaged!

Even if Chandler can’t remember her fiance's name.

“Phoebe and, I wanna say, Mike”?

NO, it’s Paul Rudd. Get with the programme.

Durh.

To celebrate, Phoebe gifts her little black book to Rachel, her last single friend… I don’t think any of us would have predicted THIS ten years ago. Chandler laments not doing the same for Ross. Not that Ross would have taken it, given it only contains Janice (And Kathy though right?? MMMmmm Kathy).

Don’t worry, Rachel, there’ll be plenty of divorcees out there soon! Just give it a few more years.

One couple that are NOT divorced, is my Ross Number One.

(Bad Ross, bad!!)

It looks like they’re gonna make it all the way to the end. Congratulations!

I took my eldest to stay with them this weekend, and had a great time. Catching up, playing games, and doing nice family stuff. Ross did make a bit of an error. Booking us a nice visit to see Santa, then realising he’d booked the wrong day.

Though not quite as bad as getting a terrible fake tan…

My daughter took it surprisingly well. But she has already seen Santa six times this year. You have to wonder how long it’ll be before she notices they all look different.

Speaking of sexy older men…

It’s nice to see more evidence of Phoebe’s predilection for the type. Her little black book apparently includes one man that’s dead, one who fought in World War 2 (surely dead now too?), and the entirety of Jethro Tull who, the burgeoning internet informs me, are in their late fifties.

Or should that be late 70s?

Sorry, I’m a bit confused again.

“The One With the Stapler”

There’s a lot of nepotism kicking around still. Or, anti-nepotism, if you will. (And if you wont, why not?!)

Joey’s trying to convince Chandler to put him in an advert. And Ross is struggling to get a new research grant, after it turns out the person doing the approval process is Wheeler’s ex.

Hrrm. Who does this guy remind me of? I want to say… Oscar? Can’t put my finger on it. But, it’s fair to say, he sucks.

Maybe I’d remember better if I could hear a word he’s saying. The kids are swarming round me, playing and chatting. Honestly, I spent all weekend trying to make time for my friends (both New York, and otherwise) only to end up juggling both with the kids. It really is true, your mid thirties you gradually lose your friends and only have your family. You have to wonder how much time left we all have here.

I suppose work is the exception. You see your colleagues almost every day. Then (likely) never again once you leave. So weird.

Unless you’re lucky enough to work together, like Joey is trying to do with Chandler! He sends him his showreel, but can tell immediately Chandler’s lying about watching it because Chandler doesn’t mention…

ICHIBAN.

(Lipstick for men)

This lives rent free in my head.

Along with GLADYS.

I’m surprised to see them pop up at the same time. Almost as surprised as Monica and Rachel, when Phoebe shows up with a second, even more horrible painting, to get them to play nice. They could learn a little something from my kids who, to give them their due, are getting much better at sharing and playing together. The elder one particularly is getting wonderful at sharing with and caring for her brother.

Almost to the point of insufferability.

It’s lovely you’re being nice, but you don’t have to be so smug about it.

There was some excellent art at Ross Number 1’s. Which made me a little sad I don’t have any of my own. Well, I have one random Dali picture that came with the house. But am only allowed to get it up in my study. (Sorry, phrasing…) Maybe I should fill the room with nice pieces? Hah. As if. Have you seen the price of art? And not to mention the food crisis. The other day I saw a banana that cost six million.

Oh well, I’ll always have my computer background to display a bit of culture.

Though Ichiban and Gladys live forever etched on my memory, I still can’t, for the life of me, remember who Wheeler’s ex reminds me of.

I’m also not quite convinced of his plan, withholding the grant from Ross unless he agrees to dump Wheeler. Surely Ross could just threaten to report him to his work? Or go tell Charlie?

Eventually the latter is what he does. Which backfires spectacularly when Wheeler decides it’s “All So Romantic!” Errr… no? Jesus, what kind of books did YOU read growing up. They kiss, and Ross is out the picture. Ah well, easy come easy go.

Maybe he should have taken Chandler’s little black book after all?

…

GREG KINNEAR.

THAT’s who he reminds me of.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Before heading off for the weekend, I popped back to my old office for this year's Christmas party. A great time including lots of free drink (suitcase full of wine…), a specially written quiz (team name: Quiztina Aguilera), and a challenge to dress your teammate as a Christmas tree. Boy did I regret wearing my green jumper…

I also took the piss a little, jokingly hiding one of my ex-colleagues staplers in some jelly.

And no, I’m not joking.

What are they gona do? Fire me?

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10.5 - “The One Where I Watch The One Where Rachel’s Sister Babysits”

7/12/2024

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"I'm busy, where's a good jumping in point?"

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Siblings are difficult aren’t they? You learn so much from them growing up. How to play, how to share, how to fight. And then you grow up, and mostly put the latter into practise.

Rachel’s sister Christina Applegate is back after last Thanksgiving. And oblivious as ever. Or should I say unaware? Ignorant? Heedless?

Joey is writing a letter of recommendation to the adoption agency for Chandler and Monica. Ross showed us how to use a thesaurus to help out. So I’ve been putting that into practise… execution?

Of course. NOWADAYS, you’d probably use an AI to write it FOR you, wouldn’t you? Not like the good old days, before the robots. Droids. Androids. Automatons. Mechanoids.

Bots.

In the end Joey goes old school and gives a handwritten recommendation. Which turns out super well, when they assume it was written by a child. My kids' writing is coming along now. She’s very adept at her own name. I had no idea learning to read and write was so slow! It’s hard to think back 30 years and have an accurate (faultless, meticulous) idea of how long it took when I did it.

And look at me now. Barely using a spellchecker. REACHING into the depths of my consciousness and drawing out HIGH QUALITY Friends™ related content.

It makes me wonder what my own children will come to write. Or if they’ll even write at all?

It might just all be video blogs by then.

“The One Where I Realise I Should Have Embraced Vlogging Instead of Blogging”

Phoebe and Paul Rudd are off to the Knicks game to celebrate their anniversary. (Incidentally, very much NOT how I thought you spelt “Knicks”)

One guy shoots Phoebe an annoyed look when she asks him to remove his nachos from her seat. I don’t really get this. Like when people make a big fuss from being asked to move their bag on a train. Seats are for sitting, my dude.

Shockingly, it turns out Paul Rudd intends to propose on the big screen! But bottles it after Phoebe criticises his method. Then she reverses it at the next game and proposes to him! To a chorus of boos. Hopefully these days people wouldn’t be such pricks to a woman publicly proposing at a ball game. Though it’s hard to tell with recent American developments.

It’s crazy they’ve got engaged. Mainly because my best friend, someone else I never thought would get married, has just done the same! And, get this… They even have the same name! (Gonna say Paul Rudd to avoid giving away an actual name here). Weird.

Unlike Phoebe/Rudd they’ve been with their partner this entire time. It’s bizarre to realise that somehow, despite being my best friend, they have yet to do anything suitably “Friendsy” enough to become a Real Live Friend. It’s delightful they have finally joined the roster and achieved Paul Rudd Number 1 status.

Dare I say it, possibly becoming the final Real Live Friend in the process? Time will tell.

Anyway, back to Rachel’s sister. Much like me forgetting my Best Friend all these years, she’s forgotten who Ross is. Thinking he’s a guy who sells her falafel, and not her sister's ex-husband. She seems to have a bad track record for forgetting inconvenient acquaintances; recently becoming engaged to her ex-boyfriends dad. Is that even legal?

Her level of narcissism (self-love, vanity, egoism) somehow exceeds my own, and even extends to her forgetting the name of her niece.

Maybe she should get her memory checked out?

Or maybe she just spends too much time on social media...

What is it about younger sisters and being wrapped up in their own little world (and choosing terrible men).

I’ve recently alluded to some of my sister's difficulties these last few years. Perhaps it’s time to go into a few more specifics now she’s doing a little better?

Rachel persuades her sister to dump her unsuitable man. Which turns out to be much easier for her than my sister. After dealing very poorly with the pandemic, she had a psychotic break, leaving her experience of life, shall we say, a little out of sync with the rest of us. As you can imagine, this was very difficult for the whole family. And went much further than thinking one of us had once sold her falafel.

I hope you’ll forgive me for not addressing this while it was ongoing. To be honest, it was none of your business. Though rest assured, if I’d come to watch “The One Where Joey Accuses Everyone of Being Peadophiles” I’d have been the first to mention it.

Mercifully we (eventually) were able to get her the help she needed and, as I’ve mentioned, she’s doing a lot better. Having some contact with the kids again, and catching up on lost time.

But her recovery was severely hampered by a parasitic man who weaseled his way into her life (and flat), despite being fully aware of her mental health difficulties, and refused to leave for around a year. Even as they broke up, and their relationship became increasingly toxic, he would not leave, and became increasingly unpleasant before she finally managed to get rid of him.

It’s a great relief he’s gone. But it’s an experience that has changed all of us.

Still, it could have been worse. She could’ve got my kids ears pierced whilst babysitting!

It’s funny I’ve been talking a lot about how little babysitting Rachel and Ross get. And now we have Christina Applegate babysitting Ella! (Sorry: “Emma”). AND piercing her ears without the parents consent.

From a purely selfish parenting perspective, it’s frustrating we haven’t been able to use my sister for babysitting. Not least because, having formerly worked in schools, she’s actually great with kids!

But the nature of her condition, sadly, means there’s a huge amount of trust to be rebuilt.

It also has massive ramifications (consequences, implications…) for our past relationship. I’ve had to completely re-analyse her claims regarding our secret half-brother. (Remember that??) Looking back I realise my entire experience of it only came through things she told me.

Did it really happen? Was this part of some earlier fantasy we were unaware of?

After several years, I’m now leaning more towards the latter. But am I perhaps taking the easier option? Why can’t I simply ask my parents? Because you don’t rock the boat. It’s rule number one in our family. And, surely, they’ve suffered enough the past few years?

For a long time, I’ve put the needs of the rest of them beyond my own need to know (and express) the truth. Whenever my thoughts turn back to it, I find myself thinking more philosophically. Does it really matter? Why always obsess over what’s truth and what’s fiction? Practically it makes no difference to me, one way or the other. You may wonder how I can cope with not knowing for certain. But the older I get, the more I feel like the question itself was more interesting than what may have come from asking it.

Question everything you know. But not too much. Lest you become my sister…

How can something that felt so major half a decade ago, now feel so small when put up against keeping my family together?

I’m sorry if this is unsatisfying. Sometimes life is like that, questions with no resolutions. It is my life after all.

And, hey, we’ll always have Frank Jnr.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

On a lighter note. I had to pitch to one of my New York associates recently. They didn’t have much time on their trip, so proposed we go for a run together in one of London’s many parks. (FAR SUPERIOR, I might add, to New York's offering).

My desperation got the better of me, and I agreed. Why not? I’ve done a few runs the last couple of years? I can’t be as bad as Phoebe.

Not so, it turns out. Keeping up whilst talking at the same time was a massive struggle. Dodging tourists, dogs, and people on their bikes, I tried to make my best impression, without keeling over.

God. They must have felt like they were being pitched by the asthmatic kid in Malcolm in the Middle™

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10.07 - “The One Where I Watch The One With the Home Study”

10.6 - “The One Where I Watch The One With Ross’s Grant”

10.5 - “The One Where I Watch The One Where Rachel’s Sister Babysits”

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