January has come and gone. And I’ve made my decision.

They say “fortune favours the bold” but, as long term readers will know, I’ve always struggled taking risks.

I often wonder how the last decade would have gone differently if I’d taken more risks. Followed the Friends™ gods to ever wackier, and wilder stories.

I suppose we all do at this stage of our life. We think back to those sliding doors moments, there’s been a few, and wonder what might have happened. 

“If only I’d taken that job”. “Pursued that new relationship”. “Stuck my head inside that turkey”.

Hard to think right now, I could be earning twice as much, be single/destitute, or even be looking at the innards of a large flightless bird.

But, there’s no time to dwell on the past and what might have been. The present belongs to US.

And so, inspired by Chandler’s career path, and his decision with Monica to adopt, I have decided the time is now. I WILL return to New York! Leaving my wife and two young children (temporarily, at least) to take up the dream writing job I’ve been offered. After all, it’s what I’ve been building to all these years! Why turn back now?

I only hope my wife and kids can forgive me in future.

“The One Where I Leave for New York”

Actually. It isn’t just Chandler who’s inspired me here. Thinking of all my Real Live Friends who have been with us from the start. A lot of them have chased their fortunes (and the sun) round the globe. So it seems fitting we had not one, but two, final blowouts before I left.

First off, the exciting news that, even as I leave, Chandler Number One has made their return to the UK. So I met them in person with Ross Number 3, and my Cannibal Bosses for a few drinks. Happily Chandler Number One seems to be ending their storyline (much like the real Chandler) by finally succumbing to a rewarding long-term relationship. Though I think they’re PRETTY far off talk of adoption…

Less happily, and possibly more dramatically, Cannibal Bosses have sadly lost their business. It’s awful to think of all the work we put in over the years dissipating in this way. But reflects the wider economic turmoil that has marred our adult life. The turn of the millennium this is not. (Despite the resurgent popularity of Robbie Williams). Although it is sad to say they now never might be my bosses again. I am honoured to say they will always be my friends.

With more of us now out of the country than in (how has THAT happened…), we reconvened a few days later online for a more substantial update. Hrrm, I suppose I better get used to awkward zoom calls again.

This time, along with the aforementioned, we added Rachel Number One and Ross Number Two (still happily married: “he’s her LOB-ster”), Monica & Rachels number two (both men), and Dr Phalange. Not quite the full gang, David the Science Guy is now dead to me after fucking up the date, but we had a lovely catch-up, and everyone seems to be doing well!

Things are going great for Monica and Chandler too. They’re so excited to go meet their adoptee’s birth mother. Though not as excited as I am, after finding out she’s Anna Faris, who I consider to be one of the most beautiful (and funny) women to ever have lived. (Come on, if Joey’s allowed like a billion creepy moments in the last ten years, I’m allowed to creep on ONE celebrity.)

As I head off to the airport, Monica and Chandler make their way to Ohio. Only to find…
Jerry from Parks and Recs™?!

He’s stuffed things up for them all, by getting their files mixed up. (Damn it, Jerry!) And now Anna Faris thinks they’re far better suited to adopt her baby than they are. Don’t worry Anna, I WILL LOOK AFTER YOUR BABY. Anything to be together. Meet me in New York, yerh?

What do you mean you’re married to Chris Pratt?! Will the Parks and Recs connections never cease.

Ahem. Anyway.

So, Ross has accidentally….

No, wait, I’m still thinking about Anna Faris.

Ok. The moment has passed.

So Ross has put on Rachel’s new top by mistake.

Which actually looks kind of good by modern standards? Though perhaps a little awkward to turn up to a date wearing the same thing as the woman… Which reminds me, I really should Google™ what Anna Faris is wearing.

Elsewhere, Joey’s on a date with a food sharer. And, as I’m sure we all know, “JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD.”

I’m a little like Joey in this regard, though it’s something I’ve worked on over the years. Now I will happily share, to keep up appearances, but only if your food is AT LEAST as good as what’s on my plate.

Honestly, I think both Joey and Ross could have laughed it off here, neither particularly tries to smooth things over. Joey even succumbs to eating his date's entire dessert whilst she goes to the bathroom. No wonder they’re both single…

I think the food thing comes from having lots of siblings? Speaking of which, the other day I took my kids to the park one last time, and it was nice to be joined by my little sister. She’s now doing a lot better, and there’s a real sense we can finally put the last few years behind us.

She’s certainly less crazy than Monica. Who is… essentially trying to steal a baby? After it turns out Anna Faris thinks she’s a minister, and not a chef, she tries to keep up the pretence to secure the child. To mine, Chandler, and Ms Faris’ horror.

There’s no way even Chandler’s honeyed words would be able to persuade Anna to reconsider after this. And yet, he somehow does. He basically guilts her into giving them the baby. Ek. I mean, yes I am happy for them. But still…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

After saying goodbye to my wife and kids. I sadly make my way to the airport. God I hope I’ve made the right decision.

Will this be some huge, sitcom finale moment? Where I realise I’m making a huge mistake, abandon my plans, and return to my wife and young children?

Reader, I did not get off the plane.

Well! After ten years of struggling to get to Thanksgiving on time. Here we are. 

Finally, it’s my Friends’ turn to have a late Thanksgiving.

“The One With the Secret Wedding”

It nearly didn’t happen at all. Monica and Chandler were desperate not to host as they’ve got so much on. Like my elder sister, who is so stressed with her two young kids she’s trying to do as little as possible with the extended family.

I want to say to her that it’ll all be fine soon. “I was where you were six months ago” (Her new one’s younger than ours). It will get better. But it’s her second child, so honestly, what did she expect?

With the stress of all the kids, and copious alcohol over the holiday season, we’re all a bit scatterbrained. Monica’s worried about trusting Chandler with any of the cooking. And Rachel and Phoebe forgot their ONE job: picking up the pies.

Man, I forgot to do so many things over the holidays. As usual, I had many plans “ooh I can finally do this! This! And This!” But I really embraced the feeling of slowing down, letting myself be OK with doing nothing. And this made the actual things I did get done more enjoyable. 

I hope I can carry this attitude through into the new year. I’ve still got a big decision to make about whether to go back to New York™ to take up this job offer. I’m not sure if having more free time at home with the kids has made it easier or harder.

One thing that was super hard (steady…) was mum’s turkey. There was a bit of an issue with it not defrosting properly, which delayed our own meal slightly. It caused a massive worry for her “oh god, what if it’s not cooked properly!” But in the end, I actually thought it was nicer than usual… once I got my tongue unstuck from it. And anyway…

AT. LEAST. NO-ONE. GOT. THERE. HEAD. STUCK. IN. IT.

(Genuinely makes me sad this was our last chance for it to happen… And my last time saying that after god knows how many years.)

It looks like Monica’s doing a better job with cooking. Shame all the others aren’t sticking around to enjoy it! Yes, after strong arming Monica into hosting, they’ve all fucked off to various things. Right as food is about to be ready. Pricks. Though not unlike the challenge of getting all my family in the same room to unwrap our presents.

Phoebe has convinced Rachel to enter Emma into a baby beauty pageant. And is getting WAY to into it. Especially considering it’s not even her baby. Has she always been this weird? Good job Chandler and Monica’s adoption lady didn’t meet HER.

Strangely, though not quite pageant level, my wife attempted to sign our son up for a baby modelling agency a few weeks back. Perhaps she’s worried about needing an additional source of income if I do go to New York…

Joey and Ross have a bit more of a normal time, checking out some ice hockey. Hard to believe it’s nine years since Ross was getting smashed in the face with a puck. If you ask me he deserves another, given how he’s been acting the last few years.

Now I mention it. EVERYONE’S being INCREDIBLY rude. Forcing poor Monica to make them dinner then showing up late. I wouldn’t let them in either.

It’s funny them all being stuck outside, making up stupid excuses.

Joey goes to extreme lengths, tearing off Ross’s shirt pocket (and accidentally getting more than he bargained for) to pretend they’ve been mugged. I did this exact thing to my friend on a stag weekend many moons ago. I think it was for Ross Number One’s wedding. We were mucking around and one of us remembered pulling people’s shirt pockets off back in school. 

I tried to do it to my friend, but the stitch work must have been a lot better than our old school shirts, as I ripped the shirt clean open. He wouldn’t have minded, but it was a whole weekend and it was the only shirt he had. Poor guy had to safety pin it back together for the rest of the trip.

Those days are long behind us now. He’s just had a baby himself. They sent a beautiful picture. Their first Christmas together as a family, no need for Friends anymore..

And that’s where we end things, Chandler and Monica find out, they too, will soon be on the baby train. The adoption agency’s found them one!

They’ll be well shot of the others. Joey was incredibly mean about the vein on her forehead. But it’s hard to stay mad at him when he’s licking turkey grease off his face because his head’s stuck in a door.​

Siblings are difficult aren’t they? You learn so much from them growing up. How to play, how to share, how to fight. And then you grow up, and mostly put the latter into practise. 

Rachel’s sister Christina Applegate is back after last Thanksgiving. And oblivious as ever. Or should I say unaware? Ignorant? Heedless?

Joey is writing a letter of recommendation to the adoption agency for Chandler and Monica. Ross showed us how to use a thesaurus to help out. So I’ve been putting that into practise… execution?

Of course. NOWADAYS, you’d probably use an AI to write it FOR you, wouldn’t you? Not like the good old days, before the robots. Droids. Androids. Automatons. Mechanoids. 

Bots.

In the end Joey goes old school and gives a handwritten recommendation. Which turns out super well, when they assume it was written by a child. My kids' writing is coming along now. She’s very adept at her own name. I had no idea learning to read and write was so slow! It’s hard to think back 30 years and have an accurate (faultless, meticulous) idea of how long it took when I did it. 

And look at me now. Barely using a spellchecker. REACHING into the depths of my consciousness and drawing out HIGH QUALITY Friends™ related content.

It makes me wonder what my own children will come to write. Or if they’ll even write at all?

It might just all be video blogs by then.

“The One Where I Realise I Should Have Embraced Vlogging Instead of Blogging”

Phoebe and Paul Rudd are off to the Knicks game to celebrate their anniversary. (Incidentally, very much NOT how I thought you spelt “Knicks”)

One guy shoots Phoebe an annoyed look when she asks him to remove his nachos from her seat. I don’t really get this. Like when people make a big fuss from being asked to move their bag on a train. Seats are for sitting, my dude.

Shockingly, it turns out Paul Rudd intends to propose on the big screen! But bottles it after Phoebe criticises his method. Then she reverses it at the next game and proposes to him! To a chorus of boos. Hopefully these days people wouldn’t be such pricks to a woman publicly proposing at a ball game. Though it’s hard to tell with recent American developments.

It’s crazy they’ve got engaged. Mainly because my best friend, someone else I never thought would get married, has just done the same! And, get this… They even have the same name! (Gonna say Paul Rudd to avoid giving away an actual name here). Weird.

Unlike Phoebe/Rudd they’ve been with their partner this entire time. It’s bizarre to realise that somehow, despite being my best friend, they have yet to do anything suitably “Friendsy” enough to become a Real Live Friend. It’s delightful they have finally joined the roster and achieved Paul Rudd Number 1 status. 

Dare I say it, possibly becoming the final Real Live Friend in the process? Time will tell.

Anyway, back to Rachel’s sister. Much like me forgetting my Best Friend all these years, she’s forgotten who Ross is. Thinking he’s a guy who sells her falafel, and not her sister's ex-husband. She seems to have a bad track record for forgetting inconvenient acquaintances; recently becoming engaged to her ex-boyfriends dad. Is that even legal?

Her level of narcissism (self-love, vanity, egoism) somehow exceeds my own, and even extends to her forgetting the name of her niece.

Maybe she should get her memory checked out?

Or maybe she just spends too much time on social media...

What is it about younger sisters and being wrapped up in their own little world (and choosing terrible men). 

I’ve recently alluded to some of my sister's difficulties these last few years. Perhaps it’s time to go into a few more specifics now she’s doing a little better?

Rachel persuades her sister to dump her unsuitable man. Which turns out to be much easier for her than my sister. After dealing very poorly with the pandemic, she had a psychotic break, leaving her experience of life, shall we say, a little out of sync with the rest of us. As you can imagine, this was very difficult for the whole family. And went much further than thinking one of us had once sold her falafel.

I hope you’ll forgive me for not addressing this while it was ongoing. To be honest, it was none of your business. Though rest assured, if I’d come to watch “The One Where Joey Accuses Everyone of Being Peadophiles” I’d have been the first to mention it.

Mercifully we (eventually) were able to get her the help she needed and, as I’ve mentioned, she’s doing a lot better. Having some contact with the kids again, and catching up on lost time. 

But her recovery was severely hampered by a parasitic man who weaseled his way into her life (and flat), despite being fully aware of her mental health difficulties, and refused to leave for around a year. Even as they broke up, and their relationship became increasingly toxic, he would not leave, and became increasingly unpleasant before she finally managed to get rid of him.

It’s a great relief he’s gone. But it’s an experience that has changed all of us.

Still, it could have been worse. She could’ve got my kids ears pierced whilst babysitting!

It’s funny I’ve been talking a lot about how little babysitting Rachel and Ross get. And now we have Christina Applegate babysitting Ella! (Sorry: “Emma”). AND piercing her ears without the parents consent.

From a purely selfish parenting perspective, it’s frustrating we haven’t been able to use my sister for babysitting. Not least because, having formerly worked in schools, she’s actually great with kids!

But the nature of her condition, sadly, means there’s a huge amount of trust to be rebuilt.

It also has massive ramifications (consequences, implications…) for our past relationship. I’ve had to completely re-analyse her claims regarding our secret half-brother. (Remember that??) Looking back I realise my entire experience of it only came through things she told me.

Did it really happen? Was this part of some earlier fantasy we were unaware of?

After several years, I’m now leaning more towards the latter. But am I perhaps taking the easier option? Why can’t I simply ask my parents? Because you don’t rock the boat. It’s rule number one in our family. And, surely, they’ve suffered enough the past few years?

For a long time, I’ve put the needs of the rest of them beyond my own need to know (and express) the truth. Whenever my thoughts turn back to it, I find myself thinking more philosophically. Does it really matter? Why always obsess over what’s truth and what’s fiction? Practically it makes no difference to me, one way or the other. You may wonder how I can cope with not knowing for certain. But the older I get, the more I feel like the question itself was more interesting than what may have come from asking it. 

Question everything you know. But not too much. Lest you become my sister…

How can something that felt so major half a decade ago, now feel so small when put up against keeping my family together?

I’m sorry if this is unsatisfying. Sometimes life is like that, questions with no resolutions. It is my life after all.

And, hey, we’ll always have Frank Jnr.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

On a lighter note. I had to pitch to one of my New York associates recently. They didn’t have much time on their trip, so proposed we go for a run together in one of London’s many parks. (FAR SUPERIOR, I might add, to New York's offering).

My desperation got the better of me, and I agreed. Why not? I’ve done a few runs the last couple of years? I can’t be as bad as Phoebe.

Not so, it turns out. Keeping up whilst talking at the same time was a massive struggle. Dodging tourists, dogs, and people on their bikes, I tried to make my best impression, without keeling over.

God. They must have felt like they were being pitched by the asthmatic kid in Malcolm in the Middle™​