Oh look it’s the guy with the tongue piercing from Rat Race™

​Man, I loved that film. This must be pre-Rat Race, as he has no piercing. And is also one of Ross’s students. Why do all of Ross’s students look thirty? Perhaps it’s a post-doc class…

At least that’ll make it less dodgy the next time he sleeps with one.

Which could happen again here, as Mr Rat Race confesses to mucking up his paper because he fancies Ross. Ross of course is AT PAINS to make it clear he is not gay.

​Although he does give the guy a better grade.

I never slept with any tutors at Uni. On account of my lack of dazzling wit, and spots and green hair. But I did get off with a teaching assistant on an archaeological dig in my final year. It’s true what they say “Archaeologists do it in the field”.

Anyway, it turns out the guy was lying to Ross! Who’s pretty upset about it for someone who isn’t gay... 

We found out Rachel slept with a teacher at Uni too!! Could it be she was only into Ross because she had some unresolved issues? It would explain a lot.

 “The One Where I Get A Second Job”

Elsewhere Joey took Rachel and me to the SOAPY awards! Which he mistakenly said has only been going since 1998.

Joey, that’s three years! It’s way more prestigious than you think!

He’s up for an award: “best returning male character”. Which I find odd given he’s playing a female character in a male body. Not sure what’s stranger, that or the fact he even got nominated.

He’s up against stars from quite a few other long running soaps: General Hospital™, The Young and the Restless™, and Passions™. So it’s not a huge surprise when he doesn’t win.

He must have been hitting the sauce again though, as he completely embarrassed himself. First by swearing in anger in front of the camera, then later on when presenting an award to someone from his own show who was a no show. Jessica Ashley (or is it Sami Brady?) couldn’t be bothered to come get, yet another, award so instead Joey started his own acceptance speech. That’s not even the worst of it! Later on he stole the award for himself properly! He really needs to rain in the drinking.

Man, I wish there was an award for committing to an idea well past it’s sell by date. I’d be a shoe in.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’ve been working as a bin man on the side.

After moving, the council appointed bin men didn’t empty my bin for four whole weeks! I’ve always had the utmost respect for bin men. It’s an important job. As I found when my bins weren’t emptied for four weeks.
​
So when I saw they’d taken my neighbours bin and not mine for the fourth week in a row I thought “let’s be reasonable about this” and jumped in my car to speed off after them.

I caught up and got out my car to find three burly men and realised this was not going to go the way I’d hoped. They told me the reason they weren’t taking the bin is I put it out the front of my house instead of the back, and that meant “I could have more than one bin”. (The only reason my neighbours was out the front is they didn’t have a back).

Here’s a tip, if I’ve got one bin out the front, and none out the back, I have exactly one bin. They refused to come back so I said “OK. If I bring my bin to you right now, can we empty it?”

“Yes, that’s fine.”

I went to get the bin. Ineffectually muttering “I hope you understand I’ll be making a formal complaint” before hauling it the 312 metres to the lorry. The man stopped me as I was about to load it up “don’t do that, I’ll do it”.

Oh yes, I’d hate to do ALL your job for you!

​And that’s the story of when I worked as a bin man.

​Before we start: some sad news. As we’ve welcomed a new life, we’ve lost another.
Yes, I’m sad to report that Mr Treeger has died. 

When we last saw him (three years ago) he was helping the boys get free porn. And I was bemoaning his all too brief appearance. He will be missed. So one last time, let’s share in the absolute joy of this moment:

“The One Where We Say Goodbye to Mr Treeger”

Strangely, back then I was discussing the lack of diversity in my Friends™ lives.

(No, not these guys…)
​
I should stress, it’s not strange I was discussing it. It’s strange that it’s come up again. Things have never really got much better. But this week we met Kristen who’s moved in downstairs.

The guys are all nervous about talking to her. Presumably because she’s hot and not because she’s black. Even Chandler makes a mess of things after claiming he’s no longer nervous talking to women due to Monica. Man, if I was marrying Monica I’d be MORE scared about talking to other women.

Like Chandler I feel more confident talking to women now that it’s of less use to me. Women, too, often seem more relaxed with me when they find out I’m married. As if they internally breathe a sigh of relief and think “phew, this guy is not a threat”.

In the end both Joey and Ross successfully asked Kristen out on a date! Hrrm, I hope this doesn’t go down a Cathy route again. My new house has enough boxes in it as is.

Many better words have been written on the topic of representation in Friends™ than I can write. I don’t think I have much to add as an English white dude approaching middle age. But I am pretty sure this is the first time any of my Friends™ have asked out a person of colour. Preeeeeeetty bad.

I’m amazed Joey even managed to get a date after opening with the fact he once fell asleep on the steps outside and woke up to find his shoes gone. Yet more evidence of his secret drinking problem…

In the end Joey and Ross sabotage their dates, scaring the poor woman off by pretending not to know each other, then spilling each other’s dark secrets. Not very nice to the lady if you ask me!

I hope no-one ever treats my daughter that way.

She’s still coping admirably with our newborn, and the dust has already settled as we’re somehow approaching one month! So far things are a lot easier, and going quicker, than last time. Almost as if we’re not contending with a global pandemic…

I wonder as well if it feeling so fast is a result of still constantly having to look after our first born. Including keeping her from accidentally killing her brother.

She’s been greatly enjoying playing Doctor lately, what with all the trips to the hospital. But the other day she was trying to test my wife’s reflexes and flat out missed her knee and knocked the baby on the head with the little hammer!

Maybe soft toys are the order of the day for a while?

As it’s a lot harder to do things with her whilst looking after number two we’ve been taking her shopping more.

Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica went to get a wedding dress in a sale, so we tagged along. Man, it was busy! Like something out of Black Friday™!

 We hid in the clothes rails with Rachel whilst Monica secured her dress.

Her bright innovation was for everyone to have a whistle to be able to find each other. I think that’s a great idea! We could do with that at the new house; it’s a real struggle communicating across more than one floor. I’ve been considering getting us some cans on a string.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

For months I’ve been saying I don’t want my dad-in-law to do any work on fixing up our house. He’s an expert at DIY. In the way the people who built the Titanic were expert shipbuilders.

It’s not that he’s bad. He’s got all the right tools, knows all the tricks, and is an insanely hard grafter. He just lacks the level of finesse and care you’d get from a professional. Or from someone who’s financially invested in the whole thing (ie. Me). I always think it’s better for me to try something first, as it’s easier for me to blame myself if something goes wrong than to go against my gut, let someone else have a go, then still end up blaming myself for not trusting my gut. Why not cut out the middle man?

I finally relented as we were desperate to get our banister fixed before our child fell through it. And my wife assured me he would do a great job.

Did I come home to find a safe and presentable banister? Safe, yes. But I’m not sure I’d call the block of wood drilled into our carpet, the one carpet we weren’t planning on replacing, “presentable”.

Bit of fun before the main event:

Chandler and Monica have agreed to let Joey ordain their wedding!

Bit random. What with that and the bagpipes this is shaping up to be quite the occasion.

Before it was set in stone there was some drama (when isn’t there?).

Phoebe let slip that the night Chanica hooked up in London; Monica was actually hoping to find Joey!!

I’d be pretty pissed at Phoebe if she did something like this to me, but Monica’s more concerned with explaining things to Chandler who’s understandably upset.

Fortunately Joey had some lovely words to say, and the bros for life moved past it before it led to anything life changing.

“The One With the Life Changing Thing”

Our big news is, right after getting in the house, our baby sensed it was time and started popping out!!

Two days before our planned Caesarean. He can’t be my son, I’m never early.

Frustratingly the Caesarean was originally planned for the day before this but they pushed it back at the last minute. So we had a completely avoidable mad rush to the hospital, which did NOT go to plan, as you’ll see later.

But it all turned out fine. And, much to the amusement of my family, my son was born on May 4th aka STAR WARS Day™. Damnit, will I never be free from Disney’s™ iron grip on everything I once held dear?

My wife’s pre-occupation with keeping our newborn alive has given me plenty of quality time with the daughter. And Rachel, too, has been practising parenting, watching Ben for an hour at Ross’s insistence.

She won him over by teaching him some classic pranks, to Ross’s chagrin.

She’s not the only one impressing a child. With ZERO prompting the other day my daughter said I was funny! She even said I was cool when I put a shirt on one morning! Finally, I have achieved peak dad. And can now retire.

It’s amazing how she suddenly gets language. We took the baby home to introduce them and, without needing any explanation, she said the baby was cute, and then started listing all the other people in the house that are cute “Me, Mummy, Arthur (cat)”.

“Wow, that’s great! Is daddy cute?”

“No”

See, she just gets it!

Although, like Rachel and Ben, this has highlighted one big problem. I am incredibly liberal when it comes to swearing. And completely incapable of reining it in. Fortunately my wife is pretty cool with this, but we’re both aware it’s going to become more and more of an issue.

It may even be too late. The other day my father-in-law spilt tea on our brand-new carpet and I ran downstairs swearing my head off in the dash to get some kitchen roll. All the while, my daughter copying me, laughing her head off saying “f**k, f**k, f**k”.

Oh dear. And this is before she’s started being influenced by others! She absolutely adores her cousin, but he runs round yelling and hitting things (He’s 28 years old…). Our sweet gentle thing, who gives loving cuddles to her brother… it may only be a matter of time before she changes. Ah well. At least we’ve got a spare now.

It looks like there’s plenty still left to teach her. Lots of dadding to do. But for now I can enjoy her new  language skills. The other day I told my wife she was looking hot and the kid said “mum, daddy, bed!”

It’s good to know she’s got my back.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I loaded up my car with the last bit of stuff to go to the tip, and drove off.

It was closed! Oh no, I’ll have to go to the other one. Then, as I was about to drive off, my wife rang:

“Can you come back please? I think it might be happening…”

I rushed back and we bundled the three, soon to be four, of us into my wife’s car (on the grounds it was slightly less full of rubbish...)

We were almost at the hospital when I saw a man gesturing at me in, what I thought, was a very rude manner.

My wife, somehow less distracted than me given her predicament, worked out the source of the guys consternation.

“THE CAR’S ON FIRE”

I looked at the bonnet and, yep, sure enough, we were approaching the point at which I would be smashing triangle and running away if this was Grand Theft Auto™.

“EVERYBODY OUT!!!” I shouted, doing what you’re not supposed to do in this situation, getting my entirely family out the car on the slip road of the M1. I’d be damned if we’d all be exploded at our moment of triumph. I am many things, but Grand Moff Tarkin is not one of them.

We stood in mild panic as the cars started to drive around us. When a kind lady with a family of three stopped to help. She was a doctor, and had sensed my wife may be about to become rapidly less pregnant than she looked.

Her car had space for two and so for the second time in as many years I stood helpless as a doctor came and took my wife away from me. This time with my crying daughter too.

I stood with the car and waited for a mechanic to ring me back.

A man stopped with the world’s smallest fire extinguisher, only to leave when we couldn’t work out how to open the bonnet. (I later found out it was on the left hand side, as the car was a US model that had been converted to right-hand drive).

A police van stopped. Help at last!

“Just so you know this’ll need to move because of where it is on the slip road.”

Well, yes. I wasn’t planning on leaving it here. Can you help? No? Ok, bye then.

A second police van stopped. Any chance you could do something here? No, thought not…

Eventually the mechanic rang and persuaded me it was fine to drive the (luckily) very short distance to my mother in laws house in a low gear, using a well placed hill to coast down on the way. Thank God! I will make it to the hospital in time!!

So I set off, to meet my destiny, but not before losing my cool with a van driver who honked as he drove past.

“OH GO JUMP OFF A….” I shouted, before my brain froze and I looked round comically for a thing to say. Just like in the sitcoms.

Unlike a sitcom, everything worked out fine as the first thing my eyes landed on was a nearby bridge.

“BRIDGE!!” I finished. Sure, the van driver was long gone. But at least I hadn’t embarrassed myself.

Joey’s been a busy boy. It looks like he’s gonna get written back into DOOL properly!! (Days of Our Lives™ for all the less than cool kids out there.)

It’s cool he’s going to join the show again; it’s been on TV for an impressive 57 years!. Quite the achievement. Though despite that it’s still best known for being in Friends™.

But I’ve no time to dwell on it as we’re far too busy moving house.

 “The One Where I Move House a Second Time”

Yes, we’ve moved, and not a moment too soon. Enough things are unpacked and fixed up that it feels a bit like our place, but there’s a lot of work left to do. Big thanks to all the friends and family who helped with the move (and especially my wife’s dad in law who may have given himself a hernia doing it).

I think I was in denial a bit about how much stuff we’d accrued since moving into the last place. And foolishly decided we could do it without removal men. Even though we only had one day to move everything!

We did it. But it seemed every hour the end point moved further away. Several times we rang the estate agent to move back the time. And their response kept changing!

“No worries, we’ll let the buyer know.”

“No worries, I don’t think they finish work till four.”

“No worries, they’re not planning on moving in today anyway.”

WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT THE FIRST TIME. We could have saved a lot of stress and backache.

But we’re in and done, so I can finally catch up with my Friends™ who now include the wonderful Susan Sarandon, starring in DOOL™ but having her role taken over by Joey. (How very… 21st century).

I went to visit the set the other day. And the strangest thing happened. They were shooting the scene, and as I looked it took on the feeling of a cheap soap opera. Like the camera angles were changing, and everything. Very odd. Then Susan Sarandon got annoyed at someone and hit them for real! She started walking off the set. But I swear I saw her laughing as she walked off. Sometimes your field of visions just a bit too wide these days....

Working with her to take over the role, Joey got a bit too involved. First Ross, then Rachel, now Joey! It seems everyone only meets new partners at work these days. But, unlike the other two, there isn’t a power imbalance here to make things weird. And to be honest, if I worked with Susan Sarandon and she fancied me I’d risk a trip to HR too.

But, just like that, it’s over. Sad seeing things end for them so soon after she took a film role in Mexico. I mean, it’s hardly Minsk.

It turns out Joey’s not the only one with a thing for older lovers! I bet you didn’t know Phoebe likes older men too. (If only they could get over their interest in the middle-aged and date each other instead…)

We found out after Rachel and Phoebe fought over a mobile phone left by a young hot guy in Central Perk™. They thought it was his so rang him up for a date. I was a bit confused as to why a random man would agree to dinner with someone just because they found his phone. Surely he had no idea what they’d look like?! But it made more sense when he showed up and was an old dude. When you’re that age you’ve gotta take what you can get! And Phoebe did. Leaping on it like a lion on a three legged Gazelle.

We should have been able to tell he was old from the phone to be honest. That thing looked about thirty years old!!!

Elsewhere Ross has taken up the bagpipes for Chandler and Monica’s wedding. But the less said about that the better.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

The last thing to go was the washing machine. With a bit of DIY plumbing to make sure there’d be no leaks. Then we noticed we had a bit of a problem.

We hadn’t left space for the cats!

“Well, they know the area, we’ll come back for them after unloading” we thought. After all, the estate agent said the other party’s not moving in till tomorrow.

So a few hours later we rocked up to our old house, assuming it would be empty, barring two confused cats. To find the new owner having a look around already!

We just about managed to get through the stilted conversation as we boxed up the cats only for my super pregnant wife to need the toilet. I’m sorry, would you mind if she has a go one last time?

To be honest, it made me a bit sad being there again, all our life stripped away, taking the cats away from the place we’d lived for so many years. Our first house. The place our first child nursed in, the first garden I took ownership off, the first place I cooked a roast. Now looking so small. We’d definitely outgrown it. There were so many memories, and yet so many things we hadn’t done with it. (Thanks to a certain major world event I can count the number of barbecues we hosted on one hand.)

As I ruminated on all these thoughts, the buyer standing awkwardly waiting for me to leave, my wife flushed the toilet, and a fountain of water burst out of the pipe where the washing machine had been.

Ah. About that… I’m terribly sorry; you may need to get a plumber in. Sorry we can’t stay any longer, it’s been a long day, these cats aren’t going to feed themselves and did I mention how pregnant my wife is? We don’t want to risk any more waters breaking here. Byeeeee

Well, Rachel’s turned 30 and that’s the last of us. No longer hot, young twenty-something’s…

I can’t help but agree with Joey: “WHY, GOD, WHYYY!??!?”

But some good’s come of it. Rachel had a crisis of confidence and broke up with Tag!

Oh no, what a shame… you were so good together… please no…

“The One Where I’m Glad Tag’s Gone”

We all sat in the coffee shop and Ross glumly said “we’re just a bunch of 30 year olds”.

Err, I think that’s some wishful thinking there Ross… By my reckoning you and Chandler should be 31/32. Don’t you dare try and make out like I’m the oldest one here! I will not have this revisionism.

But it’s a good excuse to remember everyone’s 30ths.

I say remember, I’m struggling to recollect any of these parties… Did they have them without me?? You bastards, how could you?

Like me, Phoebe had a lot of things she wanted to do before she was thirty and managed them all!

Or she thought she did, till she went to see her sister and found out she’s a whole year older! You’ve lost a whole year of your life Phoebe? I’m sorry; I can’t imagine what that’s like…

What did I want to do before 30? Why thank you for asking! After Uni  I picked three things:

1. Record an EP (Yes)
2. Do an hour of Stand-Up (Technically performed after my birthday, but it was mostly written by then)
3. Write a Novel (Cheated by saying the blog counts)

My wife only had one thing she wanted to do at thirty: have a child. I wanted to do this at thirty-five, so we compromised and had one at thirty-one.

I was scratching my head trying to remember my own 30th, when I realised I don’t have to remember! Apparently I spent my 30th shitting myself in Morroco. 

I think I intended to have a big blowout for my 31st. (Of a different kind to the one in Morroco…) But in the end my last birthday before becoming a parent was lost to the pandemic. So, ya know, what’s the real tragedy here?

It is interesting looking back and realising I was overly worried about aging and my health even then. Perhaps I should have got a few more years out of my mid-life crisis car by buying it then instead?

That’s how Ross got through his 30th… Yuck. And now I feel a powerful urge to wash for being like him.

I can relate to him struggling to park in the city. I instantly regretted getting an unnecessarily long “family” style car. But at least it’ll come in handy for the imminent move.

Phoebe tried to help Ross park by breaking into a van with a crowbar. (Man, I really need that prequel series!!)

I find it a bit odd Monica’s party was the only one where people were getting drunk. Although, to be fair, Phoebe may have been drunk when she bust out the crowbar. And we all know what Joey’s like. But surely a 30th is a last great excuse for a big fuck-off party??

Phoebe seemed to think so, playing catch up after Monica arrived at her surprise party drunk; and eventually resorted to getting her baps out to save Monica from embarrassment.

To be fair, it worked pretty well; with a shout of “quick help me get this off!” all eyes were on her instead of Monica. And I couldn’t help but notice Ross immediately pointing the video camera that way, and Daddy Gellar having a sneaky peak too.

Back in Phoebe’s memory, she’s sad at missing out on all the things she wanted to do before she was thirty-one. Including the perfect kiss. I’m a little sad for her (and David the Science Guy…) that she doesn’t think she’s already had one.

But Joey steps in to save the day, like only he can, by kissing his friend in a non-consensual manner.

Still, the way she looks at him afterwards. Is this the beginning of something? My heart aches for it to be so.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

It’s silly all of us worrying about being in our thirties. Sure time marches on quicker, but in all likelihood we’ve got ages to go! My aunt just turned seventy!

You’d think she’d have been planning it for ages, but we all got an invite to the big knees up with only a months notice. And I was gutted to realise I had work that day. But, I was having a walk and it hit my how lucky my family is that we all made it through the pandemic. Maybe it’s becoming a dad too, but for the first time I decided, you know what? Sometimes family has to come first!

All these aunts and uncles who put so much into helping raise me, and were such a huge part of my childhood, I haven’t seen them for years! So I cancelled the job, and went to the party. Absolutely the right decision, as we hugged, and danced, and tried not to talk about the pandemic, the war, or Brexit™.

Still it was funny on the way back, my immediate family and I said our goodbyes and set off in our respective cars. I stopped for some food half way home, and stepped out of my car, only to find my mum parked right beside me!! Honestly, what are the chances?? Not only had we picked exactly the same services, and arrived at the same time, we’d somehow picked two spaces next to each other!

Maybe I was getting some karmic reward for choosing family over work for once? And so we went into the services, bought our food, and left, barely saying a word to each other. Ok. Maybe not so karmic…

A sad week for me and my Friends™ as we say goodbye to Rosita.

Alas, Rachel broke Rosita and she was replaced by a Lazy Boy Ecliner 3000™. No-one names furniture like that anymore. Now it’s all things like “Sittzenflugen” (some assembly required).

I can’t be too sad about Rosita. For months I’ve feared the death of our own sofa when we move. My wife’s been set on getting a brand new Sofa Set for some time. But recently, perhaps coming to terms with our financial reality, she admitted the possibility of finding something to match our current sofa, rather than letting a decent sofa go to waste.

A reprieve!!

Sofa McSofaface lives to see another day.

“The One Where Everyone’s Giving Things Names”

Phoebe’s been struggling to make ends meet. People don’t seem to want as many massages these days. Yet another business ruined by the pandemic.

She took a job doing telemarketing to get by. And, what would you know! Her first call was Jason Alexander. Star of huge 90’s hit…

(And also a little known show called Seinfeld™).

Phoebe found out he was suicidal and rushed to make him think life was worth living again. She really is so kind sometimes!

Elsewhere, Monica and Ross’s dad has taken a leaf out of my book and decided to sell his house.

It’s a big step. I always wonder when (if at all) my own parents will sell up. I think grandkids have put them off for now. Which is a huge relief, as I do not have space to store all my stuff that’s there.

But then, do I really need it? As Ross and Monica discover, most of the things in boxes in cupboards have sentimental value, but little else. It’s only value comes from going through it and being reminded of your youth. But then, when will I find the time for that? At this point probably not until the kids have moved out, and by then we’ll have boxes full of their little lives.

Monica’s annoyed that the Gellar parents already got rid of her bedroom. But not as mad as she is when she finds out Jack used her boxes to stop his Porche™ getting flooded.

The bedroom argument will be familiar to anyone with siblings. There’s always one room that get’s reclaimed first. And I’m proud to say it wasn’t mine so I’m clearly not the least favourite child. Or maybe my parents think I have a higher likelihood of needing to move back in…

I have noticed recently those subtle changes that the territory is being reclaimed though. The build up of troops on the border. First the bedsheets change, then the posters comes down. And before you know it your room is still there, but starts to not really look like your room at all.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Joey isn’t the only one giving things unlikely names this week. My dad entered the kitchen at his, unusually cheerfully, and announced “I’m just taking Jerry for a walk.”

“Oh no” I thought “they haven’t got a new dog have they? I can’t face having to guard my toddler every time we come round.”

But I shouldn’t have worried. It turned out “Jerry” was Jason Alexander’s friend, in town to do a stand-up set.

Sorry, no… “Jerry” was a mouse. I suppose I should have been able to guess that really.

I looked in horror at the humane mouse trap on the kitchen table, realising the little box was not merely waiting to be set-up.

But my dad, still laughing eerily, explained that mum had insisted they get a humane trap to deal with a recent infestation, and he was about to take the mouse on a very long drive to the woods.

Wow. Becoming a grandparent really has changed him.

My friends are on the roof to see the Bapstein King comet.

I’ve never heard of it, and nothing’s coming up on Google™. Oi Ross! Are you just wasting everyone’s time?

Hey, maybe we’ll see the guy who keeps pigeons on the roof? That’d be pretty awkward for Phoebe.

We’ve decided to give up, leaving Joey and Ross behind.

It’s rare to see them hanging out. Especially literally.

Still, a good opportunity for them to share some quality voyeurism time, as Joey points out all the ladies you can see through windows. Hang on, maybe THAT’s the real reason Ross wanted to come up here??

 “The One With the New Job”

After the roof, Rachel and Tag (NOT A NAME) decided to go back to their office to get some work done. Wow she is both a terrible boss and a terrible partner. And not just for making him go back to work. She lies to him to cover up her own cock-up at work!

How do they even have access to the office at this time? I can barely get into my new office during the day, with all the keycards, temperature sensors, and facemasks fogging up my glasses.

It seems no-one’s getting a good night sleep tonight. Phoebe’s kept awake by her fire alarm, even though she’s taken the batteries out. I’m not sure that’s how electricity works…

We had a similar problem a while back, for many nights awoken by a strange beeping sound. Eventually I got up during the night to find the source and it was a faulty Ninendo™ Wii™ Remote™! Still to this day I have no idea what was setting it off, perhaps a ghost hoping I’d get up and play Luigi’s Mansion?

Over at Chanica’s, our least creepy boy has woken up Monica as he can’t sleep. We’ve been struggling a bit too in this regard. My wife is pretty pregnant now so there’s a lot of tossing and turning that wakes me up. (And a lot of tossing in general tbh) I regularly return the favour by accidentally waking her up when I come to bed late. It’s happening with increasing frequency as I’m desperate to squeeze in as much time to myself after babies gone to bed as I can.

You'd think after all the parenting I'd have a developed a bigger appreciation for a good nights sleep!

When Chandler finally gives up and goes to get a drink Monica comes out too. I’m sorry, there’s no way one of us would get up if the other person couldn't sleep. If anything there’d be a lot more angry growling telling them to keep it down.

Eventually they decide to make the most of things with some sex. Only for Monica to fall asleep!

Rather than doing the decent thing and letting her rest Chandler AGAIN wakes her up to complain.

Mate.

If someone’s so tired they fell asleep DURING SEX maybe think about letting them get forty winks.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My new job’s great so far. A really cool company and lots of nice people.

It’s a bit odd though, after only a couple of weeks being brought up to speed, my new manager got me and the other new guy on a call and told us they needed to take a leave of absence for two weeks!

Waaaa? But I’ve only just started, how can I cope with this?

What a trial by fire. It’s a bit like showing up to your first driving lesson and when they’ve barely said anything the instructor says “right. You take the wheel” and jumps out the car.

So my wife and I arrived at the restaurant, our first time out just the two of us since having a kid.

Finally some alone time!

But guess who was there?

Only bloody Joey and Phoebe!

Phoebe was in a huge hurry to end their meal so she could go on a date. As you can imagine Joey was NOT happy about it as she’d made a big deal the other day about him cancelling plans with her for a date.

Fair play, that’s really not an acceptable excuse short notice. Even if you are single and in your 30’s. It came to a head at Joey’s with Phoebe storming in brandishing the note he’d left, signed “Big Daddy.”

Oi, Joey!! You can’t go round calling yourself “Big Daddy.” That’s MY nickname.

Us fighting over nicknames prompted Ross to try and bring back his:

“THE ROSSATRON”

Oh Ross, stop trying to make Rossatron happen, it’s not going to happen.

 “The One With the Restaurant”

Alright. Let’s get down to the big question. What’s happened to New Years?! I know why I did nothing. But my Friends™ seem to have skipped over it as well.

Come on guys, you don’t have kids (except Ross) you should be getting out there!! COVID be damned.

Instead they’re sitting at home eating cake. Well, Chandler and Rachel are.

It’s not even their cake!! Maybe Monica leaving cookies out started something, but some cheesecake not addressed to them has been delivered and they’re tucking in.

Mate, this is literally stealing. That poor old lady ordered that all the way from Chicago!

I’m a little sensitive to this issue as right before Christmas I ordered some drinks and they never arrived. Eventually I discovered they’d been both mislabelled AND delivered to the new addresses neighbour. The neighbour said she dropped them round so I followed the trail and found an old Irish guy who denied all knowledge of them. Cheeky fucker, he’d obviously drunk them all.

Ah well, I decided not to press the matter; it was Christmas™ after all, and we’ve taken enough from his people.

I made up for it with some yummy drinks at the restaurant. You’ll never guess why Phoebe was so eager to break her own rule…

She was desperate to go meet David the Science Guy!!! Jesus, we haven’t seen him for six years.

He’s over for a conference and was too nervous to call her. And yet then went and got coffee in the coffee house she drinks in all the time. Hrrm…

Both Joey and I agreed that this was a special case, and Phoebe was free to go and have one night of passion before he flew back to Minsk.

Shut up, I’m not crying, you’re crying!

God, I hate it when circumstance keeps people who should be together apart. Even before the pandemic!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Even though it’s deepest darkest winter, my cousin decided to get married. And they didn’t bloody invite me!! My sister was invited though. I was livid, more so when I found out my sis had a plus one.

Obviously I forced them to take me with them. I was gona see what’s what and give my cousin what for.

But colour me embarrassed. Turns out the reason they didn’t want me there is they’re marrying my ex.

AWWWWWWKward.

Can’t talk long, we’re going out to a restaurant later!

As new parents it’ll be one of the few times we’ve been out just the two of us since our 18 month old was born. Yep, that’s the only reason…

I hope my wife doesn’t make me try and bribe the Maître De like Chandler and Monica.

Much like him I’m exceptionally awkward when it comes to informal financial transactions. I just don’t get all the social rules in place, it’s much too complex.

I think this may be why everyone thinks I’m tight.

“The One With the Archaic Washing Line Agreement”

The holidays are continuing and Phoebe’s got Joey a drum set! At least it’ll stop him spending half an hour in the toilet.

What with the drumming, long toilet breaks, (and closet alcoholism) it seems I’m now most similar to Joey!

I hope this doesn’t mean someone’s secretly trying to steal my roommate from me. (My roommate being: my wife).

That’s what’s happening with Joey, as Phoebe’s desperate to get Rachel to move back in with her. Don’t these people have any other friends? Or even a partner to shack up with? Perhaps Phoebe would be better off trying to persuade the man who keeps the pigeons on the roof to leave his wife for her?

Unlike Phoebe, Ross can be forgiven for not having time to make new mates, as he’s finally spending a bit more time with his son. It’s pretty sad that this is the first holiday season they’re spending together… Maybe Ross isn’t the real reason here for all the lack of contact? It’s no secret Carol and Susan aren’t the biggest fans of his.

Sorry, I shouldn’t gossip about my friends like this.

It’s nice Ross has a bit of time to spend with Ben. A chance to teach him about Hanukkah™.

Unfortunately, this boiled down to dressing up as “The Holiday Armadillo” as no other costumes were left. (Probably for the best they didn’t have an orthodox Jewish Rabbi costume given the shows history with racial politics.)

I say unfortunately, but it was actually hilarious. What was weird though is there actually seemed to be some Christmas™ magic going on. The second my daughter saw the Holiday Armadillo she shouted “Ho, Ho, Ho”. HOW DID SHE KNOW?!?

As you can imagine, when Chandler then showed up dressed as the big man himself (Santa) her and Ben lost their shit! It’s a shame I’ve spent three weeks trying to explain to her that Christmas is over…

They weren’t the only ones excited. Monica was a little TOO into Chandler dressed as Santa if you ask me. Imagine him, rolling round on top of you, with his belly like a bowl full of jelly. Stinking of whiskey and reindeer poop. No thank you.

Hang on, what’s all this, why has Joey come in dressed as Superman?

Is this really happening? Or am I dreaming this?! Did I have one too many Baileys over the holiday season?!?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Things with the house move are picking up. Our buyer’s come back with all those detailed questions where I have no idea what the answer is.

The weirdest thing they picked up on is, despite fully owning our house and the land it’s on, we’re subject to some agreement made in the 80’s that includes a very very strict rule.

Under NO circumstances are we allowed to hang washing up outside.

I have no idea of the reason of this. Are they worried it’d confuse birds? Did Thatcher think it was indecent for people to have their knickers on display? Is it all some conspiracy involving Big Laundromat??

I must confess we obviously completely forgot about this the second we moved in. And I’d say there’s a good, ooh, two weeks of English summer a year we’ve been drying our clothes outside?

God, I hope we don’t get a visit from the laundry police.

MMMMMmmmmm, Candy.

Monica’s given some out for the holiday season. It caused quite the stir amongst the neighbours and she struggled to keep up with demand!

I was a little surprised when it turned out it wasn’t accidentally laced with something. She really is just that good a cook. I don’t know what I was expecting, it’s not like this is some crazy sitcom.

MMmm, it is delicious. I’ve taken some to my new job.

Or I would have, if a new wave (and a decade of NHS underfunding) hadn’t caused the working from home directive to be reinstated. So it’s been a strange first week, trying to learn the ropes remotely. But it has been remotely interesting.

So far it seems to be the perfect mix of nice, easy, tasks below my capabilities and new things I’m unfamiliar with. It looks like I’ve made the right decision.

 “The One Where I Start a New Job”

Perhaps, like Rachel, I should have got a new haircut for the new job. She’s rocking a great new bob, which I assume wasn’t cut by Phoebe.

She’s also continuing the whole Tag (NOT A NAME) thing. Which is simulteously awful and inappropriate, but also a very popular male fantasy. Or at least it was in the days before Step-Porn swept through the dark recesses of the internet. The most unsettling and unexpected of COVID side effects.

Things are already getting a bit steamy in their office, and Tag (still not a name) had to take the hit for a saucy email which most definitely would have got her fired. I mean, him doing it as a joke would have got him fired too, but he somehow gets away with it. Bloody male privilege.

You know who else is a privileged male? Ross. His kids almost seven and he barely sees him!

Here he is now, last seen nine months ago in an alternate universe. I didn’t notice at the time but he’s looking a lot older than he did two years ago… I don’t mean two years older. More like, five? Weird.

I guess it’s not that odd we hardly see him. This show’s called Friends™ after all. Not “Parents” ™.

(Incidentally, if you want to watch “Parents” ™: it exists, is called “Workin’ Moms” ™ and is frikken excellent.)

Ross has kindly bought Phoebe a bike which is an absolute sight, yet my wife adores it:

Everyone’s surprised when it turns out Phoebe doesn’t know how to ride a bike. Mate, she literally just told you she never had one!

So Ross again stepped in to help her learn. I do love when Ross and Phoebe spend time together. It’s so refreshing. After a wobbly start, he encouraged her to keep trying, as without her to ride it the bike WOULD DIE.

Wait what?? Oh my god. My poor bike, it’s been in the shed with a rusty chain since before the pandemic. Shit. I really hope it’s only in a coma.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We had a pretty sedate New Years™ this year. Not as bad as last year, obvs, but a little weird. We spent it with my family but, after the Christmas™ debacle with my own Ben Number One, we didn’t want to commit to the evening. So it was simply a relaxed family afternoon then home for a movie.

My wife went to bed straight after (pregnant) but I decided to see in the countdown with some videogames. I got to 11.45pm before deciding “eh, that’ll do, I’ll send my messages now and go up to bed.”

After last year I’d forgotten one crucial thing, got into bed and put my head on the pillow as the countdown was about to happen. At which point loads of fireworks started going off.

Oh yerh! That’s a thing…

Forty minutes later I finally fell asleep, to a lone drunken man shouting “HAPPY NEW YEAR!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!”

Yerh, to you too, mate. You too.