I’ve determined to ask my sister about my half-brother.

Well, I decided two weeks ago, but it’s been a little hard to find the time.

Love is in the air and I’m hard pressed to keep up, with Chandler dating Rachel’s boss, and Joey creeping on the women in his play. Even Rachel and Ross seem back on pleasant terms. Thank you, tiny T-shirt!

In real life (“Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?”) I actually haven’t had the time as I’ve been preoccupied with David the Science Guys double wedding. (First dance: Bohemian Rhapsody). A double wedding, not because he’s embraced a life of bigamy… but, because he, selfishly, invited us down to his families beautiful house in the South of France for a second party. The utter bastard.

Despite the hardships caused by getting a tan, drinking lots of wine, and lazing in a pool all day (not in that order) both weddings were excellent. A personal highlight was Joey Number One living up to his name by spending most of the reception chirpsing my ex, before remembering who she was.

But real Joey’s behaviour is much worse. First, dating his stage wife’s understudy (aren’t there rules against that sort of thing?) then jumping in bed with his stage wife. The director’s partner no less! Once again Friends™ keeps things light by keeping a healthy distance from the victims, Joey even highlighting what a caricature the director is. (Albeit, a hilarious one…)

At least Joey’s creeping seems to have a purpose. When his stage wife spurns him, he learns an important lesson and calls his past flings to apologise for using them. Maybe there’s hope for him yet!

“The One With the Double Wedding”

Mirroring my lack of movement on the brother front, Chandler is having trouble committing.

Like Chandler and Rachel’s bosses date, the wedding gave Janice (my fiancée) a chance to get to know Cannibal Boss a bit better. Hopefully they won't fall for each other. Though if they eloped it would make me a Ross…

It also gave Janice a chance to harass a doctor friend with many questions about her well-being. Culminating in Janice asking “DOES THIS MEAN I’M GOING TO DIE?!” and the doctor’s partner (7 foot Rachel Number 2) turning round from their conversation and booming a deep, and sonorous “yesssss...” to the amusement of those present, and the mortification of Janice.

And speaking of ‘mort’ (as the French would say) this, jam-packed, episode has another quirky Friends™ look at bereavement. Monica and Ross’s Aunt has died, and a delighted Monica inherits her dolls-house. I count myself lucky that all my Aunts and Uncles are still with us. Although, less lucky, considering how hard it made doing our weddings seating plan.

Surprisingly, I really enjoyed doing it! It combined three things I love: logic puzzles, judging people, and sitting down.

One thing I’m enjoying less, is our ongoing attempt to buy a house. Just when I think we’re making progress things fall backwards again. And even when we get one, do I even want to get locked into a “keeping up with the Joneses” lifestyle? Buying sofas, and cabinets, and leather-bound books. It seems so petty when played out on a miniature stage, as Monica and Phoebe compete to fill their dollhouses.

Still, in a city where no-one can afford property, caring deeply about a dolls-house makes a lot of sense.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

And now onto the actual best bit of the wedding, straight out of the Friends™ playbook!

It’s a running joke for the Real Live Friends that David the Science Guy's brother is, how shall I put this, in many ways… cooler than him in every respect. (I recognise, I may well be in the same position, but let’s not get into that).

This joke doesn’t mean anything, of course! They are both equally great in their own ways.

But it does lead to moments of great amusement. And so, what happens at his wedding? No less than the registrar saying HIS BROTHERS NAME during the vows.

*** SPOILERS ***

Fortunately the bride took it in her stride, corrected the registrar immediately, and the ceremony continued. As soon as the fits of laughter subsided.

When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother what would I be?

Would I be pretty? Would I be rich? And here’s what she said to me:

“WHY DO YOU NEVER SEEM TO BE AT WORK?! YOU’RE ALWAYS SITTING AT YOUR COMPUTER DOING NOTHING. WHY HAVEN’T YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE YET?! I’M FED UP OF FEEDING YOUR CATS. I WISH THEY’D HURRY UP WITH BREXIT. Oh, also you might have a half brother I’ve never told you about.”

God I need to move out of this house... But what of my brother? 

I’ve been thinking about it a lot since last time. Why has it never come up? I've only ever heard about it from my sister, when she found the letter alluding to it. What if she made it up? Worse still, what if SHE never even told me about it? What if this Friends™ thing has all become too much and I imagined it? What if, looking into all these coincidences I’ve gone fully delusional and made one for myself?

One thing I do know, I’m still not ready to ask about it.

 “The One Where I Worry I’m Making Things Happen”

It’s been two months for us since Rachel and Ross split but just three weeks for the Friends™. And so, with the dust finally settling, the vultures begin to move in. We get our first look into Gunther’s creepy, Rachel obsessed head (god I hope my brother isn’t like him…) before Mark swoops in and asks Rachel out first.

Maybe Ross had a point all along?

Perhaps I’m a little distracted with the brother thing but I didn’t really enjoy any of this.

Gunther is acting like a tool, Mark is acting like a tool, AND Millionaire Pete, AND Joey, AND Ross. All tools. At least Ross redeems himself in the end by returning Rachel’s favourite T-Shirt. But with this much level of dick-ery I can understand why Chandler spends most of his time playing with himself on a Barcalounger.

After Pete mentions Voice Recognition Software™, for a second, my Friends™ addled mind thought the show had predicted its invention. I did some research and it turns out it was first made available in 1990. All yours for only a thousand dollars! It’s weird hearing them talk about it now, in the age of Siri and Alexa. God, I hope my brother is into Android™ and not Apple™.

Despite being the founder of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Pete is struggling to win Monica over. She leaves him out in the cold, only to find her flat full of Friends™ misusing their spare key. Living at my parents we don’t have this problem now, but Rachel Number Two used to regularly let herself into my house at university.

My wonderful fiancée Janice had the opposite problem the other day when she forgot both her spare key to my parents AND the key to her parents. That must have been a dull afternoon, driving around waiting for people to come home. Still, the weather’s nice.

Janice and I had an interesting discussion the other day about hobbies and self-indulgence. She pointed out that all my hobbies are very self-indulgent: playing music, writing a blog about Friends™ (Yes, it is a hobby!) But I’m not too sure. I can’t speak to the entertainment value of Real Live Friends but at least with playing music it’s a hobby that other people can enjoy you doing.

If you look at it that way it’s a lot LESS self-indulgent than bowling.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I spent the bank holiday in the park with Ross Number One a few other Real Live Friends, and a couple of beers before going to see some live music (very self-indulgent of me – doing something only I could get enjoyment out of).

We were watching the support act when the heat suddenly got the better of me and I fainted!

I came round to pounding music and my mate’s giant face shouting my name. Vision blurry, like a TV that’s not tuned in properly, I was dragged up to the first aid room and diagnosed with dehydration.

Fortunately, I recovered in time to see the headline act. Less fortunately, they’re called Sleep, so I now have to live with being the guy who fell asleep at a Sleep concert.

But the weirdest thing is, earlier in the afternoon I thought exactly that. “Wouldn’t it be funny if I fell asleep at a Sleep concert?” AND THEN IT HAPPENED. This is really not putting my worries about my brother to rest. If I can accidentally make myself faint at a Sleep concert, who’s to say my sub-conscious hasn’t made up a half-brother to make my life more like Friends™?!

And what about it going the other way? What if Janice and I have been on a break for two months and I haven’t realised?! Think of all the Xerox™ girls I could have slept with…

Also, I think Ross Number One is a lot more worried about me dying on my Stag Do now.

It’s alright, Ross Number One, the Friends™ survived Ross’s Stag Do so I’ll be fine!